Commitment

Wesley and Zoey got married!

It was a beautiful ceremony and the reception was great. They went to Italy for their honeymoon and I have gotten lots of texts and pictures from Zoey showing me all the sights they’ve seen. I’m so happy for my friends, they’ve made such a big step in their commitment to each other and now they’re running around Italy to really start their marriage off on a good note.

I do miss Zoey, though. She’s been gone, at this point for over a week and I know it’s because she’s living it up with her new husband and probably having some awesome sex, too, but I miss my friend and I can’t wait until she gets back in another week!

Anyway!

Adam and I went for a run this morning with Sasha. We stopped to drink some water on a bench and let Sasha rest. Adam brought up work, which surprised me because he really does hate his job and because of that he almost never talks about it.

“My dad is driving me nuts. Everyone knows that I have my job because he’s the boss, everyone knows I’m not qualified at all to be doing this. And whenever I mess up, he just pretends like it’s no big deal, that anyone would make that mistake.”

Adam works at his dad’s investment firm in downtown and a very large portion of Adam’s job is to meet with clients who need investors and analyze if they’d be possible. He also is expected to look at companies that are having financial trouble and propose ways to make them profitable. If the higher-ups approve of his suggestions, they’ll offer to buy the company and turn it around to make the firm money. It’s very lucrative but Adam also hates it because most of the companies the firm chooses to buy are small businesses and the first thing that usually happens once the firm has purchased a business is to fire all of the old employees.

Adam has expressed his discomfort over this to his father who explained that it was necessary in order to put in place all of the new changes that will occur once the firm takes over any new business. Basically, they wouldn’t want any old employees to balk at or resist any changes the firm will put in place to increase profits, and the easiest way to accomplish that is to bring in an entirely new staff. Lately, Adam has been trying to broker deals with the businesses the firm buys to include in their contract that a certain percentage of the old staff have to stay, but so far, the higher-ups have managed to avoid actually being held to that.

“Like, last week: I convinced this guy to have it written in the contract that all of his employees would not be fired upon the sale of his business to us, which is crazy. I knew they’d never approve that. But this guy? He’s had this pizza parlor in his family for over 50 years. Everyone that works for him is either a family member or a neighbor. I guaranteed him this would be workable. And someone my bosses finagled it so that was removed from the contract and this client is calling me, wanting to know why all of his kids have lost their jobs. What are you supposed to say to someone in that situation? They manipulated him!”

“Well, you probably shouldn’t have guaranteed him anything.” I said gently, “And you’ll never make that mistake again.”

“I just want him to fire me. But he won’t do it.”

“You could always just refuse to do any work while you’re there.” I suggested, “Or, better yet, you could work on writing as a freelancer, maybe work on your book?”

I took a swig from my water bottle. It’s painful to see how unhappy Adam is at work but he’s always resisted my encouragement to start freelancing again. I think he might be afraid to try, after all, he’s been fired from the last three writing jobs he’s had due to cutbacks and he’s had such a hard time finding a job in between those. And freelancing is so stressful, you’re constantly looking for work.

“No, I can only imagine what Heather would say. You know she brought up wanting to move in together again.”

“She did?”

So…I have a confession to make. Over the summer, while I was making all this progress and working on myself? I had a slip into the Old Faith. It was at a time in my therapy progress where I was very vulnerable and struggling. That being said, over the summer I made a mistake:

I was in my running outfit, cleaning my house, and listening to One Direction (do NOT judge me! It’s good music to clean to!....and run to). I was dancing and waiting for Adam to text me letting me know he was ready to go running.

“FAITH!”

I screamed and the paper towels I was holding fell out of my hands, along with one of my earbuds.

“Jesus, Adam! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

I slapped him on the arm.

“I’m sorry,” He laughed, “I knocked for, like, five minutes.”

While I caught my breath from being terrified I saw Adam’s face go from laughing to being mischievous.

“What’s that?” He pointed out the window.

When I turned my head he grabbed my iPod and pulled my ear buds out. He spun away from me and I knew he was looking at what I was listening to. I instinctively reached for my iPod as he raised the earbud up to his ear but he moved away. Things happened very fast after that. I remember stepping onto my coffee table and using it as a vault to jump on Adam’s back but it was too late.

“Are you listening to One Direction?” He laughed while holding the iPod out of my reach easily since I was still on his back.

“Give that back!” I said wiggling around to try and get a better reach.

I had shifted suddenly and before I knew it Adam had lost his balance and we both ended up on the floor. The iPod spilled out of Adam’s hand and skidded on the floor, we stared at it and then at each other before both scrambling to after it. My fingers wrapped around it and Adam tried to free it from my hand to no avail while I curled up into a ball. He rolled me over onto my back and laid on top of me. Both of use were panting and laughing up until that point where we stopped. My eyes met his and I let go of my iPod.

He was hovering over me and slowly kissed me, it was gentle at first but both of us became more aggressive within seconds. Our hands were in each other’s hair and my legs were wrapped around his waist. I pulled his shirt off desperately and immediately went back to kissing him while he pawed at my leggings with one hand. He couldn’t get them off but did manage to get his hand under them, I felt his fingers over my underwear searching…and then he found it and I gasped.

I pushed him off of me and we both scrambled to my bedroom, undressing ourselves as we went. I was completely naked by the time I was through the doorway and Adam was undoing his pants. He sat me on the side of my bed and knelt in front of me before kissing my inner thighs and trailing up. His head was between my legs and I spread my legs wider and tipped my pelvis up so he had a better angle. He put my knees over her shoulders and I ran one hand through his hair while I used my other one to support me on the bed. Within minutes I felt a wave of pleasure hit me.

Adam got up and grabbed a condom from my nightstand, put it on, and then leaned me back onto the bed before entering me. It was fast and hard and deep. I had to grip my comforter so I didn’t move a bunch with each thrust and I locked my legs around his waist to help me hold on. We switched positions so he was on his back, I straddled him and lowered myself onto him before setting a fast past. My fingers dug into his chest for leverage as I rode him hard. I came again and about a minute later Adam’s hands gripped my hips as he called my name.

I moved off of him and laid next to him, we stared at the ceiling out of breath before looking at each other and laughing.

“We should really go running together more often.” He joked.

I want to be very clear that Adam was NOT dating Heather at the time that this happened. They had broken up because she was insisting they move in together and he wasn’t ready. He felt like she was pressuring him and she felt like he wasn’t taking their relationship seriously so they ended things a few days before this happened. Adam was being mopey so I invited him to go running with me for the first time ever and we ended up having sex instead. For three days afterward, Adam and I were basically together again. We were having great sex, going on dates, hanging out. It was great.

Until Adam showed up to talk to me one morning before he had to be at work.

“I think this was a mistake.” He said. He looked at me as he said it, which I thought was really direct of him.

“What do you mean? Things have been going really well. Am I imagining that?” I said with confusion.

“No.” He sighed, “But I can’t do this with you, again, Faith. I just can’t.”

“Why?” I said quietly.

“Because, eventually, you’ll freak out and end things and I just can’t go through that again.”

I didn’t know what to say to him. At this point over the summer I hadn’t felt like I’d made any progress and I didn’t try to argue with him or dissuade him from his fears because I didn’t think he was wrong. Now, I think that he was, but we’ve both moved on, admitted it was a mistake, and continued to be friends. Two days after Adam broke things off with me, he got back together with Heather.

According to Adam, their 5 day break was a wake-up call for her to slow things down and she stopped bringing up the moving-in-together stuff she’d been so insistent on before. But now, apparently, she had started up again.

“You guys have been dating for over a year, now, is it really that surprising to you that she wants to take things to the next level?” I said.

“I’m just not ready.”

“Why? Does she snore? Is she a hoarder? What’s wrong with you?” I said watching Sasha chase a cricket a few feet in front of us.

“No, she’s…she’s great. I just…Heather lives her life in the same world that my family does and she likes it. I hate that world and I don’t want to be part of it.”

“So if Heather moves in, you think she’ll bring that world with her?”

“…Yeah.” He said with exasperation, “I mean, look, we’ve been dating for a while now and look at how much of that world is already in my life.”

I didn’t know what to say. Adam is my friend and I know he dislikes the world his family lives, but I thought it was a little unfair to blame the existence of that world in his life solely on Heather. It’s not like she forced him to take his father’s job offer. In this case I just stayed quiet. I didn’t want Adam to get defensive or feel like I was taking Heather’s side, but at the same time, this is his relationship and he needs to make the decision that’s best for him.

And that may be to quit his job. Or dump his girlfriend. Or move-in with her. Who knows? I sure don’t!