Unspoken to Spoken

After talking with Molly some more I had decided to give Zoey her space and let her come to me when she was ready to talk about what had happened with Penny. It took a few days but she sent me a text asking if she could come over and I agreed.

When I opened my door to let her inside she had a sheepish look on her face and could barely look at me as she walked into my living room. Molly got up and went into her studio just then, presumably, to give us some privacy. Zoey sat on the couch and I sat next to her.

“Faith, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have accused you of trying to replace Anna.”

I gave her a hug.

“It’s okay. I understand why you felt the way you did but I really want you to understand that it was never meant to be like that.”

She nodded.

“I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just…it’s been so hard without her. I’m so embarrassed for how I acted, you don’t deserve that.”

“It’s okay.” I said again, “If you don’t want me to include Penny in our things, then I won’t.”

“No…I should give her a chance. You can invite her to brunch if you want.”

We talked some more and I felt better about everything now that it was all out in the open. But something was nagging at me and it was a realization I’d had over the weekend.

“What is it?” Zoey asked after I was quiet for a bit.

“I just…” I decided to put it out there, “I feel like we’ve been fighting so much more than we ever used to and I don’t know why. This isn’t how we treat each other, Zoe.”

She sighed.

“I know. You’re right. I don’t really know why, either. I’m sure it has to do with Anna being gone but I…” her eyes flicked up at me, “I don’t know how to fix it.”

We sat there in an open silence for what seemed like an eternity as her words hung there. I didn’t know what to say but I knew that I also felt like it had to do with Anna’s absence.

“Do…do you think that we might be subconsciously blaming each other for the fact that she died?” Zoey asked.

I was struck by her question. I certainly didn’t feel that way.

“No.” I shook my head, “I think that it’s hard being around each other sometimes because we remind each other of her.”

I realized that was true. I basically disappeared after Anna died because Molly and Zoey both reminded me of her every time I looked at them and that had only lessened slightly with time. It certainly wasn’t a feeling that had vanished. I guess I’d just gotten used to it. Zoey nodded and agreed with me.

“I think that might be where this tension is coming from. But I’m not sure how to fix it.”

“I don’t either, but everyone always says that grief gets easier with time, right?” I suggested weakly.

“Maybe just putting it out there and recognizing it will help…”

“Maybe.”

Zoey stayed to have dinner with Molly and I but things still feel so unresolved. Maybe the fighting and bickering between us will get better now that we’ve identified where it’s coming from; I certainly hope that’s the case. Or maybe both of us just need some space. I’m not really sure what would be best but it does feel like being honest with each other about our feelings was a step in the right direction. Now…if only I could apply that to all of my relationships, right guys?