The Molly-Eyed Monster

I found myself zipping up my jeans in the dark in Mike’s bedroom. He was laying on his bed with his eyes closed. I had come over after that night’s performance with the intention of talking to him about whatever it was that we were doing but we ended up with a repeat of the other night in my apartment. Sarah was gone with friends for the week on a camping trip a few hours away and we had taken advantage of the privacy.

As I slipped my shirt over my head I hesitated saying anything to Mike. He looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to interrupt him, especially because this conversation was going to be unavoidably awkward.

I sat down on the edge of the bed next to him and his eyes popped open. He smiled at me and I smiled back but neither one of us said anything. After a beat of silence we both laughed at the weirdness between us.

“What?” He asked at the end of a laugh, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I just…I don’t want to be that girl but…Mike…what the hell are we doing here?” I asked with a sense of tiredness.

I wasn’t exhausted or upset with him by any means I was just…sick of feeling like I never knew where I stood with the men in my life. He gave me a long look.

“I mean, are we just sleeping together? Or…what are we doing?” I winced at how uncomfortable this was turning out to be.

He sat up and ran his fingers through his short, brown hair and sighed before looking at me.

“I…don’t really know.” He said finally.

I deflated. I don’t know what I had expected from him but I was disappointed all the same.

“What do you want?” He asked me.

I had not been expecting that.

“Well…” I sat there thoughtfully, “I don’t really know either. I guess I thought I’d want whatever you wanted…”

We both stared at each other and laughed again. He traced a finger on my knee as he thought in silence. But I couldn’t take the quiet.

“Look, if you just want to leave it at sleeping with each other, that won’t hurt my feelings. I know what I did hurt you and I’ll understand if you don’t want anything more serious than that…but I’m not really looking for an arrangement like that right now.”

I was surprised at my honesty and, I think, so was Mike. He raised his eyebrows at me and took in what I was saying.

“I…don’t think I want anything like that right now, either.” He said.

“So…”

“So…we could maybe try getting back together again.” He suggested.

I sighed and felt so unsure. Would Mike be able to trust me after what I did? What about the fact that I had only just ended things with Adam?

“Mike…” I looked down and felt sad, “I just got out of a really serious relationship. I’m not sure about anything right now.”

“We could just…see where things go? We could date, get to know each other again…?”

“Will what I did…before…be a problem?” I asked.

His answer to that question was really important to me. If Mike was not able to move on from my infidelity there would be no way for us to trust each other and you can’t build a relationship without trust.

“I don’t know. I don’t think it will.”

I stared at him skeptically. He shrugged and explained.

“Look, I don’t really know if it will be a problem or not but I do know that being with you, looking at you, doesn’t feel the way it did when I found out that you slept with someone else. When I look at you I feel the way I did before then, so maybe I’ve forgiven you or I’ve learned to look past it, I don’t know…”

He was being genuine and as honest as he could be. And there had been a fairly long time between now and when we had broken up which may help with any trust issues that me cheating on him could cause.

“Well…I guess we could try to just see where things go. We could date.” I said shrugging.

“Alright.” He said.

We ended up just looking at each other. He smiled at me and I smiled back.

Since our conversation Mike and I have gone on two dates and it honestly feels just like it did before. He’s fun to be around and we never have any issues with awkward silences, especially now that we’ve had that conversation laying everything out on the table. Not everyone is very happy about that, though.

Mike had just dropped me off at my apartment and was kissing me at my front door when Molly opened it with a bag of trash in her hand. She was visibly shocked and part of that was my fault. I hadn’t told her about Mike yet. He greeted her and she waved halfheartedly as he walked down the hallway. She pulled me into the doorway and rounded on me as soon as the door closed.

“Um, what?” She said pointing to the door.

“I…we…we’re seeing where things go.” I said uncomfortably.

“You and Adam only just broke up.” She pointed out.

“Mike knows that I am coming out of a serious relationship.” I walked to the kitchen to get some lemonade.

“That’s not really the point, though, is it?” She put the trash down and watched me as I poured a glass.

“He knows and he’s fine with it.” I said simply, “Molly, I know you liked Adam and wanted us to be together but it just didn’t work out. I didn’t think you had a problem with Mike, th-”

“Faith, I don’t have a problem with Mike. In fact, I really, really like him but what you’re doing is irresponsible.”

I didn’t like her accusation and became defensive.

“What are you talking about? I was honest with Mike about this whole situation. How is that irresponsible?”

“Because you’re ignoring the elephant in the room!”

“And what would that be?”

“That you’ve just jumped into a relationship with a really great guy when you’re still in love with someone else.”

She looked at me pointedly and I deflated internally but externally I put up a calm demeanor.

“Mike and I aren’t starting a relationship, we’re just dating and seeing where things go.”

“So you don’t deny that you’re still in love with Adam?” She asked.

“I…”

I couldn’t deny it and I was ashamed.

“I…my feelings will go away with time. Mike is a great distraction for that.”

“Exactly.” Molly said angrily.

“What?”

“Mike is too good of a person for you to be using as a distraction from or a rebound for your failed relationship with Adam.”

“That’s not fair.” I said, “And I don’t have to justify my relationships to you. If you don’t approve of my choices, well, I never really asked for your opinion did I?”

I spun on my heel and trumped off to my room where I slammed the door. I felt bad for yelling at Molly and being so harsh with her after I cooled off but neither one of us has apologized and I’m not really sure who was in the wrong here.