Talkin' 'Bout My Communication

I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation with Adam so I tried to give him space. After two days, I left him a message on his phone. After three days, I was done waiting.

“Hey.” I said when he opened the door.

He didn’t look happy to see me and didn’t invite me in.

“Look, Adam, I tried to give you some space and I know you don’t want to rehash what happened, but you can’t just ignore me forever.”

He rubbed the back of his head and moved to the side to let me in. I walked in and stood in his foyer and faced him as he closed the door. He refused to look at me. Neither one of us said anything and I was kind of irritated with Adam’s refusal to look at or speak to me. I sighed angrily and dropped my bag on the floor. Then I walked over to him and put my hands gently on his face and kissed him against his door until he kissed me back.

When we pulled apart, he still wouldn’t look at me. I rested my hands on his chest and followed his eyes until he finally made eye contact with me.

“I don’t care about what happened and neither should you.” I said seriously.

He pulled me in for a hug and we stayed like that for awhile.

“Thank you.” He said into my neck.

After that we went for a walk in Adam’s neighborhood and things got a lot easier and less awkward.

So…at this point, Adam and I have been dating for almost three weeks. We’ve overcome a horrendous first date and had a few good dates since then. Things are going smoothly, except for one thing: I’ve been noticing that Adam is not interested in letting things to progress to sex ever since our first date. I’m sure it has to do with what happened so I’ve spent some time in looking around in support forums online for people with ostomy bags to see what I can do to make him feel more comfortable.

I ordered something online for him that’s basically like one of those things you can buy for pregnant women that hold up your pants when you can’t zip them anymore, but it’s specifically made for men and women with ostomy bags. It goes around your lower torso and just holds the bag up and out of the way. You can even buy them in various skin tones to try and make it less noticeable to the wearer.

I wrapped it and went over to his place for a date last night. We had ordered a pizza and were going to watch the new Under The Gunn Project Runway spin-off together. We settled on the couch with our pizza and Adam’s DVR ready to go.

“Oh, before we start…” I said, “I bought you a gift…just because.”

I pulled out the little wrapped box, sat down on the coffee table in front of him, and handed it over excitedly. He smiled at me and started unwrapping it.

“Um…you bought me a tube top?” He asked pulling it out of the box.

“No, silly! It’s a thing you can wear during sex to keep your bag out of the way. I read online about them and lots of guys with ostomy bags use them. I thought it would be…”

I stopped talking when I noticed how NOT into the gift Adam was.

“Uh, this…this is really sweet of you.” He said, “But…”

“But what?” I asked trying to sound understanding (even though I was sort of offended that he didn’t like my gift).

“Okay,” He said putting the ostomy band aside and inching forward on the couch. He put his hands gently on either side of my thighs and took a deep breath, “I don’t want you to be upset or feel like this is because of something you did but I don’t really want to have sex with you until my colostomy is reversed.”

“O-okay.” I said with confusion.

“I’m meeting with my doctor tomorrow to see if I’ve healed enough to have it reversed so it’s not like it’ll be years from now.” He said.

I took Adam’s hands in mine and took a second to choose my words carefully.

“Obviously, Adam, I want you to feel comfortable whenever we go down that road so we’ll take that step when we’re both ready but I think you’re being a little ridiculous about this. People live full lives with ostomy bags. I don’t want you to put our relationship on hold because of this.”

“I’m not putting it on hold, I just…I…”

Adam looked away.

“What?”

“Okay, please don’t be creeped out by this.” He said putting his hands on the top of my thighs, “I just…I’ve thought about what it would be like to be with you. I’ve thought about what it would be like when we kissed for the first time or went on our first date and none of this has gone the way I had originally envisioned. I mean, we kissed for the first time while I was in the hospital…our first date was a DISASTER…I just want…”

“You want the first time we have sex to be perfect.” I said quietly.

“No, it doesn’t have to be perfect but I just want to be able to think back and remember it and not have it be marred by the memory of having a bag of crap present or something, “ He said holding up the ostomy band I had bought for him, “wrapped around me to hide it.”

“Okay,” I said taking a deep breath and looking into his eyes, “I understand that, Adam, I really do…but what if they can’t reverse it? Are we just never going to have sex? Are we never going to have other ‘firsts’ because you want to put it off because it won’t be the way you imagined it?”

“Can’t we cross that bridge when we come to it?” He asked.

“No.” I said.

I had surprised myself with how quickly and firmly I had answered. Adam was, too; he raised his eyebrows in surprise and looked at me.

“I’m not interested in having a relationship that can’t move forward or make any progress because the fantasies we have about it may not turn out the way we wanted them to.”

“So, what? You’re giving me an ultimatum that I have to sleep with you right now or else it’s over? How sexy and romantic of you, I’m totally turned on right now!” 

Adam was angry.

I put my head in my hands out of frustration and took a few deep breaths while Adam sat with his arms crossed and fumed on the couch. I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees.

“I’m not giving you an ultimatum.” I said, “I just want you to be realistic about this. They may not be able to reverse your colostomy for months if they can at all. I don’t want you to be unprepared for that if it happens and I don’t want you to put your life on hold indefinitely. That’s all.”

Adam didn’t say anything so I continued.

“I bought that for you because I know you’re feeling self-conscious about your bag, especially since our first date,” Adam leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling; he was SO not into being reminded of that incident, “and I just thought I could do something to show you that I care about how you’re feeling.”

Adam sighed and continued to look at the ceiling. I inched forward on the coffee table and rested my hands on the top of his thighs.

“Please talk to me.” I said sadly.

Adam straightened his head up and looked at me before sighing again. He uncrossed his arms and took my hands.

“Faith, I know you’re trying, okay? But this…what’s going on with me is a lot more complicated than you realize. It’s not just about a fantasy or whatever…it’s about the rest of my life and what it’s going to look like. And I’m just not ready for…maybe I AM trying to put things on hold a bit but I’m just asking for a few weeks, not our relationship, not the rest of my life. This is a really hard process for me to work through, it’s not just about the hang up with sex.”

“Okay.” I said with finality, “I’m sorry about the present.”

“Don’t be. It was a nice thought.”

He pulled me onto the couch for a hug and kissed my hair. I snuggled into him and he started up the DVR.

I just got home from his place and I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. I see where Adam is coming from and I feel stupid for thinking it was just a sex thing for him and that I could fix it with a flesh-colored elastic band.

One (mis)step at a time, I guess.