Rocks

I’ve been back to work for almost a week and it all seems so…weird. Being back has been helping keep me distracted and things are going to get pretty busy next week as we’re going to start rehearsals for the next show (we just finished auditions for it and they went okay) while simultaneously having performances in the evening. The overlap will last a few weeks until the new show is ready to go into tech; we’ll have to strike our current show the week before while simultaneously loading in the new set. It’ll be pretty hectic but I think the distraction is the best thing for me.

Adam and I were sitting on our balcony on the outdoor sofa. He had his arm draped around my shoulders and I was laying up against him sideways with my feet resting on the wicker coffee table. It was raining (our balcony is covered) and we were sitting and listening to the rain and taking in the cool breeze. I was gently gliding my fingers over Adam’s free hand absentmindedly.

I was telling Adam about my recent conversation with Theo over the phone.

“He’s been working a lot of long hours and said it was helping distract him, too.”

“What about the kids?” Adam asked.

“Right now, Theo and the kids are living with his parents. His mom has been watching them while Theo is at work. He’s been looking for a condo but hasn’t had a lot of time since being thrown into this new residency. Honestly, I think he’ll just live with his parents until he finishes his residency completely. It’s only 16 more months. I have a feeling any fellowships he was considering are off the table, now.”

“That’s really rough…” Adam said shaking his head.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a long time before I sat up and looked at him. I was overcome with the urgent need to tell him how I felt.

“I love you.” I said looking at him seriously.

“I love you, too.” He kissed me.

“No.” I said, “I…I feel like those words don’t adequately express how I really feel about you.”

I felt really uncomfortable all of a sudden as I struggled to find the words but when I looked up at him, I felt safe.

“You…are the most genuine, best man I know. You’re kind, you don’t judge me. You have been there during the hardest moments of my life without hesitation. I know I can be difficult and that I screw up a lot and I have no idea how I got so damn lucky to have you in my life but I am so in love with you.”

A tear ran down my cheek. I’m not really sure why I had teared up but I’m not going to overanalyze it. Adam wiped it away and then pulled me into a strong, sturdy hug.

“Where’s all this coming from?” Adam asked.

He’d pulled away to look at me but still had his arms wrapped around me.

“I don’t know. I just felt like you should know how I really feel so if something ever happens to me you’d never be left to wonder.”

“Okay.” Adam nodded but didn’t break eye contact with me.

He put his hand on the side of my face and wrapped his fingers down to the spot where my head and neck meet and then kissed me. When we broke away he put his forehead against mine.

“Molly is at Calvin’s tonight, if you want to stay over.” I said after a few beats.

He pulled his head away and slid his hands over my shoulders, down my arms, and held my hands.

“Oh.” Adam said, “Actually, I need to wake up early tomorrow so I should probably go back to my place.”

I eyed him.

“That’s, like, the oldest and worst excuse ever that guys use when they don’t want to spend any more time with their date.” I said.

He laughed.

“Trust me, I want to stay but I have a job interview first thing tomorrow morning.”

I reacted with confusion and pulled my hands out of his.

“Why do you have a job interview? I thought you were working on your book?”

Adam sighed and rubbed the back of his head before he looked back up at me.

“Uh, I told them I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I returned the advance and terminated my contract.”

“WHAT!? Why!? When!? Why didn’t you tell me!?”

He held my hands again in an effort to calm me down.

“I pulled out of it about a week ago. I didn’t want to tell you because I know you’ve been going through a hard time and I didn’t want you to worry about me in addition to everything else. I’m going to be fine.” He stressed that last bit when he saw a cloud of guilt come over me, “I don’t want you to worry.”

“But…why?” I deflated, “Was it because of-”

“No.” Adam said, “It had nothing to do with what happened recently. I just…couldn’t do it, Faith.”

“But you’re an amazing writer, Adam. You KNOW that.”

“It’s not about a lack of confidence or anything. I just…I wasn’t ready.” He looked at me with shame painted on his face, “Every time I tried to sit down and write or add to my journals, I would freeze or have flashbacks. I started having nightmares again. The pictures I got of the crime scenes from the police file were there every time I closed my eyes….I just wasn’t going to be able to finish it with all of that happening.”

“Oh, Adam…” I hugged him, and when I pulled away: “Why didn’t you tell me about the nightmares and flashbacks?”

“I didn’t want...I…you were already dealing with so much…”

“You don’t need to hide that from me, ever.” I said staring into his eyes, “I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t tell me something because I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I’m really sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t share what was going on with you. I care about you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through anything alone, okay?”

Adam nodded and I put my forehead against his. The sound of the rain falling filled the silence between us.

“Are the nightmares and flashbacks getting better now that you aren’t writing the book anymore?” I asked.

“They stopped almost immediately.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with this? I could give you the name of a therapist that could help you get through writing it…”

“No, I don’t want to write it at all. I just want to move on from what happened. And if I write this book I’ll constantly be reminded of it even more than I already am. Every time I look at my resume, it’ll be on there. My friends and family will all have copies of it on their bookshelves and want to bring it up occasionally. I’m already reminded of it every time I take a shower and feel my scars, I don’t need to be reminded in other places, too. It’s better this way.”

“Okay.” I said rubbing his hand with my thumb.

I kissed him and he made it more intense than I had planned it to be.

“What about your job interview?” I said between his kisses.

“I’ll set an alarm and leave in an hour and a half, so we can go for one round.”

“Or two.” I said.

Adam paused and looked at his watch.

“Okay, two, but we need to get started right now.”

He stood up and grabbed my hand and practically dragged me back into the apartment and into my bedroom.