Granted

At our last session, Dr. Sheehan said that my grief for Anna would ease with time and that getting back to my old routine would help me move on. The problem was…I didn’t want to move on.

I was laying on Adam’s bed with my eyes fixed on the wall, staring straight ahead. I heard him pad into the room and felt him sit next to me.

“Are you going to work today?” He asked quietly.

“Zeke can cover for me.” I said flatly.

“He’s been covering for you for almost two weeks…he can’t do it forever.”

“I’m not asking him to, I just want some time alone.”

“You’ve hardly moved from here since we got back from Connecticut.” He said.

I pulled the blanket up over my head and heard him sigh. I felt him get off the bed and a few seconds later, the blanket was flipped down off of my head. Adam was kneeling on the floor and had his arms resting on the edge of the mattress looking at me.

“Adam, leave me alone.” I said angrily.

“Faith, just listen to me.” He said.

I sighed and opened my eyes to look at him.

“You can’t give up like this.” He pleaded, “Anna wouldn’t have wanted you to stop living your life.”

“Yeah, well she’s dead, so what she wants doesn’t matter anymore.” I turned over and looked at the other wall.

Adam sat on the edge of the bed and touched my shoulder.

“You need to pull yourself out of this.” He said gently, “If you won’t do it for Anna you should do it for Zoey and Molly. I know they remind you of her but they’re your best friends and they need you.”

I didn’t react, just stared at the wall and felt a tear roll down my face into the comforter. He pulled me up into a sitting position so I had to look at him.

“If you won’t do it for them then do it for me.” He searched my eyes, “Don’t shut me out.”

I looked at him for what seemed like a long time. He looked scared and sad as he looked back. I nodded and let my head fall into the crook of his neck as he wrapped his arms around me.

“I just want it all to stop.” I said quietly, “I miss her so much.”

My voice cracked on the word “much”.

“I know.” He put his hand on the back of my head and held me tight.

When he pulled away he kissed my forehead.

“I’ll go make you something to eat, okay?”

I nodded and he left. I pulled my knees up to my body and wrapped my arms around them. I knew he was right. I knew I was letting my friends down when we needed each other the most and I was ashamed of myself for that and wanted to make it right. I pulled myself off the bed and looked in the mirror on Adam’s dresser. My hair was a ratty mess and my eyes were dark and puffy. I looked at a hairbrush in front of me sadly and sighed before running it through my hair. When I was done, my hair was in a bun. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until after I was finished. I stared in the mirror and started crying again. 

I wrapped my arms around myself and sat on the edge of Adam’s bed while my body racked with silent sobs. I didn’t want Adam to hear me. I pulled myself together after a few minutes and then went out into Adam’s living room and stared at my coat by the door. Adam came out of his kitchen holding two different boxes.

“Okay, I’ve got chicken rice or macaroni and cheese. Which one do you want?”

“Neither.” I said hoarsely,” I think I’m going to go home.”

“Oh. Okay. Do you want me to walk you there?” He asked.

I shook my head and slid my coat on.

_______________

When I got home, Molly wasn’t there, but Zoey was. She was sitting in the dark on our couch with Sasha’s head in her lap.

“Hey.” I said turning on the lights.

She smiled sadly and stroked Sasha’s head slowly.

“How’s Adam?” She asked.

“He’s fine.” I sat down in an arm chair and sighed.

Zoey’s face was tear-stained and she looked tired.

“How are you?” I asked her quietly.

Zoey looked up at me with a wavering look and then she burst into tears.

“I just miss her so much, Faith.”

I got up and sat next to her and then pulled her into a hug. I felt the tears come and remember thinking to myself: “Will I EVER stop crying?” Sasha was being squeezed between us and decided to wiggle out and find a different place to sit.

“And I feel so…tremendously guilty.” She continued.

I pulled away from her and moved her hair away from her face.

“Why do you feel guilty?” I asked.

Zoey deflated next to me and took a deep breath.

“I know that I wasn’t going to bring up what happened between me and Theo. That was what I decided but with Anna…I just feel like I should have told her before she…I know it would have caused more problems where there didn’t need to be any. It was in the past but I just feel like Anna would have wanted to know.”

As she rambled, she looked miserable and I had to stop her.

“Anna knew, Zoe. She knew about all of it.”

“What?”

“She told me about it when we had brunch a few days before she…she knew about all of it. She knew about your miscarriage and that it was Theo’s, she knew you guys actually had a relationship…”

“She knew…?”

I nodded. Zoey was in complete shock and it was etched across her face.

“She knew that Theo was going to help me raise it…?” Zoey was talking more to herself but I realized that Anna actually hadn’t known that.

But I made a decision.

“Yes, she did. She knew everything.” I lied.

It was clear that Zoey needed to know Anna was not and never would be angry with her about what happened when we were in college. Anna would have wanted Zoey to be able to forgive herself and stop feeling so guilty about everything, so I made the decision to lie and I don’t regret it for a second. Zoey needed that closure and Anna would have wanted her to have it. She was quiet for a long time and I just sat next to her on the couch.

Eventually, Molly came home and joined us on the couch. I was sitting between them and felt an immeasurable wave of sadness because of how incomplete I felt. Anna should have been there. Her absence was overwhelming. The easy thing to do would have been to shut myself off, to numb myself to how I felt. But I didn’t do that. I held their hands on either side of me and smiled sadly at both of them. Molly put her head on my shoulder and Zoey leaned against me. Adam’s words from earlier in the day echoed in my head.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around very much…I just…”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Zoey said.

“We get it, Faith.” Molly said.

We sat like that for what seemed like hours, telling happy stories of Anna and crying in between. I’m lucky to have the friends I do and it would be an insult to Anna’s memory to take the time I have with them for granted.