Open Book

Adam tried to approach Valentine’s Day with me a few days ahead of time.

“So…what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?” He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me as I poured a cup of coffee in his kitchen.

“Nothing. I have tech and won’t be done until really late. Plus I’ll probably be too tired to do anything.”

“Really? You don’t want to do anything?” Adam asked kissing down my neck to my collarbone.

I turned around and draped my arms on his shoulders.

“Really. I sort of hate Valentine’s Day.” I gave him a kiss and then turned back to my coffee.

Adam leaned against the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen facing me. He crossed his arms.

“Why do you hate it?”

“Because,” I shrugged, “I just think it’s a lame excuse for people to buy stuff, it puts too much pressure on people to be romantic, and I haven’t really had the best track record with it anyway.”

“Alright. It just seems weird for us not to do anything.”

“I don’t need a special day to remind myself of how much I care about you.” I shrugged and ate a grape.

“Yeah, well,” he pushed himself up to sit on the counter, “I imagine that’s pretty hard to forget. I mean, I am pretty great.”

I threw a grape at him and rolled my eyes.

“I’m just not into it.” I said walking out of his kitchen and into his living room.

I plopped down on his couch and put my feet up on his coffee table, grabbed a magazine, and put my bowl of grapes in my lap. He followed me out and sat next to me.

“I guess you’re right. It’s a pretty lame holiday, plus, it’s not like we’re going to have sex or anything.”

I glanced at him above my magazine.

“You had major surgery less than two weeks ago. Give yourself some time to recover.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, “it’s just been awhile. I haven’t had sex since December, the anticipation from waiting to get better is-”

“Um, excuse me?” I flipped my magazine down, “December?”

Adam looked at me with confusion.

“Yeah, why?”

“With who?” I asked a lot more defensively than I wanted to appear.

“I don’t know, just this girl from back home. It was just a hook up while I was home for Christmas. We’d known each other from high school and saw each other at a bar and one thing lead to another. It’s not a big deal. What? Like you haven’t had sex in awhile?”

He scoffed and I said nothing. A look of realization came on his face.

“How long have you…” He asked.

“Uh…like…like nine months.” I mumbled. I hadn’t had sex since before I found out I was pregnant last year.

“Whoa.” Adam said and immediately covered his mouth, “That came out wrong.”

“Can we talk about, like, anything else?” I asked with annoyance and started reading my magazine again.

I saw Adam mouth the word “wow” to himself and hit his torso with my magazine.

“I saw that.”

“I’m sorry but NINE MONTHS!?”

I rolled my eyes and walked back into his kitchen to put my bowl in the dishwasher. He followed me. I loaded the dishwasher and closed it and then looked at him angrily.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your one night stand when I asked you if you’d had sex since your attack?”

“Uh…you never asked me that.”

“Yes I did!” I put my hands on my hips angrily, “When we were in bed and I asked you about whether or not you’d be okay emotionally, you never said anything.”

“I didn’t think it was important.” Adam said shrugging wildly, “How could YOU not tell me you were having a NINE MONTH LONG dry spell!?”

“First of all, it wasn’t a dry spell. I was purposely not having sex with anyone. Second of all, my situation is less important than yours.”

“Uh, do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me to make you-”

I leaned forward and put my hand on his chest.

“It’s been nine months. You could look at it and I would probably have an orgasm, so just relax, okay?”

I pushed off of his chest and walked out of his kitchen to get my bag so I could go to work.

“Are you, like, seriously mad at me right now?” He asked, “We weren’t even together then, Faith. I haven’t even spoken to her since I slept with her.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you’re the kind of person who will sleep with someone and then NEVER speak to them again? Oh, yeah, I really want to get into your pants now!”

"Oh come ON!" He said.

"Why is it that you can have sex with a stranger with your bag but not with ME?" I asked angrily.

"We've already talked about that."

"Well let's talk about it some more! That's all we ever seem to do anyway is just talk."

Adam sighed and dropped his hands.

“I feel like no matter what I say, here, it’s just going to piss you off.”

“Then maybe you should just stop talking.” I hiked my bag on my shoulder and went to leave, “I have to go to work.”

“So we’re just not going to talk about this?” He asked crossing his arms as I walked past him.

I slammed the door behind me and spent the entire day stewing about it. At the end of the day I went home and talked to Molly about it.

“And then I left. Can you believe him!?” I asked her.

She stared at me.

“No offense, Faith, but you were sort of being a jerk.” Molly said.

“WHAT!?”

“So he slept with someone else. Big deal. It’s not like you guys were together when it happened or that there was even a hint that you would be dating. And it’s not like you’re some pious virgin, either. I can see where it would piss you off if he lied about it if you were talking about previous sexual partners and specifically asked him to go through his sexual history, but you weren't having that conversation, you just assumed he hadn’t slept with anyone else since Amber. I don’t get why you should be pissed at all.”

I opened my mouth to answer but closed it and realized I couldn't give her an explanation. I blinked before admitting that I didn’t know why I had acted that way.

“I think I do.” Molly said.

“Why?” I asked her.

“Do you think it’s possible that you were just projecting your own feelings of insecurity about sex onto how you expected Adam to feel about it?”

“What insecurity? It’s not like I haven’t had sex before.” I said.

“Well, yeah, but sleeping with him would be the first time you’ve had sex since being with Brad, right? And that was a really screwed up relationship, Faith. Maybe you expected Adam to feel the same way considering how bad his last relationship went and when you realized that he didn’t, it made you upset for your own reasons.”

Molly had a point and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true it was. Adam and I talk about sex a lot, or at least in a much more open and honest way than a lot of my past relationships, and I don’t think I ever really stopped to analyze how I felt about the idea of me having sex since Brad and also since having the abortion. I’ve never regretted the decision I made but I think that experience certainly made me view sex in a more grown up way and to see Adam be so flippant about having what was basically a one-night stand just brought out a lot of complex feelings within me that I expressed as anger.

Molly had given me a lot to think about and about an hour later as I was getting ready for bed, there was a knock on the door. I walked into the living room and looked at Molly.

“Are you expecting someone?” I asked; it was almost 11:30 at night.

She shook her head and looked at the door.

“Sasha.” I called seriously.

Sasha got off the couch and followed next to me as I walked to answer the door.

“Oh.” I said when I saw who it was, “Hi.”

It was Adam. Sasha wandered off.

“Can I talk to you?” He asked.

I let him in and Molly waved at him as we went to my bedroom. We sat on my bed facing each other and Adam took my hands.

“Faith, I’m sorry for coming over so late but I think we need to talk about what happened this morning.”

I looked down and then back up at him.

“I owe you an apology.” I said, “I was being a jerk for no reason. I’m sorry.”

“What’s the actual issue here?” He asked.

I took my hands away, looked down again, and fidgeted with the drawstring of my pajama pants.

“I…don’t think I’m ready to have sex with you yet.” I said.

“Oh.” Adam’s voice was quiet but had a tinge of surprise, “Did I…”

“It’s not about you. I mean it is…but not really. Like, you could be anybody and it would still be a thing I have to deal with.”

“Faith, tell me what’s going on.” He implored.

“I…don’t really want to.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m scared.”

“Of what?” Adam laughed.

I looked at him.

“That you won’t love me anymore.”

His face got suddenly serious.

“What could have…?”

I stopped fidgeting and straightened up. I took a deep breath and looked down as I spoke.

“In May I found out I was pregnant. I got an abortion and broke it off with the guy I was seeing immediately afterward. The reason I haven’t had sex in so long is because I wanted to give myself time to accept the choices I’d made that had lead up to that event and learn from them. When you told me about your one-night stand, I think I just projected all of my feelings about sex…and how they’ve changed since May onto you and that was wrong.”

When I finished talking, I slowly looked up at Adam.

“We’ll have sex when we’re both ready.” He said simply.

“You don’t care that I’m…that I…”

“No.”

“R-really? It doesn’t make you look at me differently?” I said tearing up.

Adam pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.

“No. Why would it?” He pulled away so he could look at me directly, “You made the best decision for you. You wouldn’t be who you are if you didn’t and that’s the woman I fell in love with. The fact that you told me all of this in pajamas with purple sheep on them just sort of shows how right I was to fall in love with you in the first place.”

Adam smiled at me and I laughed and started crying.

“I’m sorry that I’m not ready.” I said wiping away tears that were coming fast, “This is so embarrassing.”

“Hey,” he lifted my chin so I would look at him, “don’t feel guilty or embarrassed by that. You have nothing to apologize for. I think I was probably putting a lot of pressure on you about it anyway, what with bringing it up all the time. We don’t need to have sex. We’re supposed to be taking things slow anyway, right?”

I nodded and he lifted my chin up to kiss him. When we pulled apart he put his forehead against mine and held my hands.

“I love you.” I said.

“I love you, too.”

After I walked him to the door and said goodbye, Molly came out of her room and leaned against her door jamb with a smirk on her face.

“What?” I asked smiling at her.

“You’re just growing up so fast.” She joked.

“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes at her and laughed.

“When's the wedding!?” She teased.

“You’re ridiculous.” I laughed.

“I want to make your wedding dress!” She yelled after me as I went into my room giggling.