Monday, February 10, 2014

Open Book

Adam tried to approach Valentine’s Day with me a few days ahead of time.

“So…what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?” He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me as I poured a cup of coffee in his kitchen.

“Nothing. I have tech and won’t be done until really late. Plus I’ll probably be too tired to do anything.”

“Really? You don’t want to do anything?” Adam asked kissing down my neck to my collarbone.

I turned around and draped my arms on his shoulders.

“Really. I sort of hate Valentine’s Day.” I gave him a kiss and then turned back to my coffee.

Adam leaned against the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen facing me. He crossed his arms.

“Why do you hate it?”

“Because,” I shrugged, “I just think it’s a lame excuse for people to buy stuff, it puts too much pressure on people to be romantic, and I haven’t really had the best track record with it anyway.”

“Alright. It just seems weird for us not to do anything.”

“I don’t need a special day to remind myself of how much I care about you.” I shrugged and ate a grape.

“Yeah, well,” he pushed himself up to sit on the counter, “I imagine that’s pretty hard to forget. I mean, I am pretty great.”

I threw a grape at him and rolled my eyes.

“I’m just not into it.” I said walking out of his kitchen and into his living room.

I plopped down on his couch and put my feet up on his coffee table, grabbed a magazine, and put my bowl of grapes in my lap. He followed me out and sat next to me.

“I guess you’re right. It’s a pretty lame holiday, plus, it’s not like we’re going to have sex or anything.”

I glanced at him above my magazine.

“You had major surgery less than two weeks ago. Give yourself some time to recover.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, “it’s just been awhile. I haven’t had sex since December, the anticipation from waiting to get better is-”

“Um, excuse me?” I flipped my magazine down, “December?”

Adam looked at me with confusion.

“Yeah, why?”

“With who?” I asked a lot more defensively than I wanted to appear.

“I don’t know, just this girl from back home. It was just a hook up while I was home for Christmas. We’d known each other from high school and saw each other at a bar and one thing lead to another. It’s not a big deal. What? Like you haven’t had sex in awhile?”

He scoffed and I said nothing. A look of realization came on his face.

“How long have you…” He asked.

“Uh…like…like nine months.” I mumbled. I hadn’t had sex since before I found out I was pregnant last year.

“Whoa.” Adam said and immediately covered his mouth, “That came out wrong.”

“Can we talk about, like, anything else?” I asked with annoyance and started reading my magazine again.

I saw Adam mouth the word “wow” to himself and hit his torso with my magazine.

“I saw that.”

“I’m sorry but NINE MONTHS!?”

I rolled my eyes and walked back into his kitchen to put my bowl in the dishwasher. He followed me. I loaded the dishwasher and closed it and then looked at him angrily.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your one night stand when I asked you if you’d had sex since your attack?”

“Uh…you never asked me that.”

“Yes I did!” I put my hands on my hips angrily, “When we were in bed and I asked you about whether or not you’d be okay emotionally, you never said anything.”

“I didn’t think it was important.” Adam said shrugging wildly, “How could YOU not tell me you were having a NINE MONTH LONG dry spell!?”

“First of all, it wasn’t a dry spell. I was purposely not having sex with anyone. Second of all, my situation is less important than yours.”

“Uh, do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me to make you-”

I leaned forward and put my hand on his chest.

“It’s been nine months. You could look at it and I would probably have an orgasm, so just relax, okay?”

I pushed off of his chest and walked out of his kitchen to get my bag so I could go to work.

“Are you, like, seriously mad at me right now?” He asked, “We weren’t even together then, Faith. I haven’t even spoken to her since I slept with her.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you’re the kind of person who will sleep with someone and then NEVER speak to them again? Oh, yeah, I really want to get into your pants now!”

"Oh come ON!" He said.

"Why is it that you can have sex with a stranger with your bag but not with ME?" I asked angrily.

"We've already talked about that."

"Well let's talk about it some more! That's all we ever seem to do anyway is just talk."

Adam sighed and dropped his hands.

“I feel like no matter what I say, here, it’s just going to piss you off.”

“Then maybe you should just stop talking.” I hiked my bag on my shoulder and went to leave, “I have to go to work.”

“So we’re just not going to talk about this?” He asked crossing his arms as I walked past him.

I slammed the door behind me and spent the entire day stewing about it. At the end of the day I went home and talked to Molly about it.

“And then I left. Can you believe him!?” I asked her.

She stared at me.

“No offense, Faith, but you were sort of being a jerk.” Molly said.

“WHAT!?”

“So he slept with someone else. Big deal. It’s not like you guys were together when it happened or that there was even a hint that you would be dating. And it’s not like you’re some pious virgin, either. I can see where it would piss you off if he lied about it if you were talking about previous sexual partners and specifically asked him to go through his sexual history, but you weren't having that conversation, you just assumed he hadn’t slept with anyone else since Amber. I don’t get why you should be pissed at all.”

I opened my mouth to answer but closed it and realized I couldn't give her an explanation. I blinked before admitting that I didn’t know why I had acted that way.

“I think I do.” Molly said.

“Why?” I asked her.

“Do you think it’s possible that you were just projecting your own feelings of insecurity about sex onto how you expected Adam to feel about it?”

“What insecurity? It’s not like I haven’t had sex before.” I said.

“Well, yeah, but sleeping with him would be the first time you’ve had sex since being with Brad, right? And that was a really screwed up relationship, Faith. Maybe you expected Adam to feel the same way considering how bad his last relationship went and when you realized that he didn’t, it made you upset for your own reasons.”

Molly had a point and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true it was. Adam and I talk about sex a lot, or at least in a much more open and honest way than a lot of my past relationships, and I don’t think I ever really stopped to analyze how I felt about the idea of me having sex since Brad and also since having the abortion. I’ve never regretted the decision I made but I think that experience certainly made me view sex in a more grown up way and to see Adam be so flippant about having what was basically a one-night stand just brought out a lot of complex feelings within me that I expressed as anger.

Molly had given me a lot to think about and about an hour later as I was getting ready for bed, there was a knock on the door. I walked into the living room and looked at Molly.

“Are you expecting someone?” I asked; it was almost 11:30 at night.

She shook her head and looked at the door.

“Sasha.” I called seriously.

Sasha got off the couch and followed next to me as I walked to answer the door.

“Oh.” I said when I saw who it was, “Hi.”

It was Adam. Sasha wandered off.

“Can I talk to you?” He asked.

I let him in and Molly waved at him as we went to my bedroom. We sat on my bed facing each other and Adam took my hands.

“Faith, I’m sorry for coming over so late but I think we need to talk about what happened this morning.”

I looked down and then back up at him.

“I owe you an apology.” I said, “I was being a jerk for no reason. I’m sorry.”

“What’s the actual issue here?” He asked.

I took my hands away, looked down again, and fidgeted with the drawstring of my pajama pants.

“I…don’t think I’m ready to have sex with you yet.” I said.

“Oh.” Adam’s voice was quiet but had a tinge of surprise, “Did I…”

“It’s not about you. I mean it is…but not really. Like, you could be anybody and it would still be a thing I have to deal with.”

“Faith, tell me what’s going on.” He implored.

“I…don’t really want to.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m scared.”

“Of what?” Adam laughed.

I looked at him.

“That you won’t love me anymore.”

His face got suddenly serious.

“What could have…?”

I stopped fidgeting and straightened up. I took a deep breath and looked down as I spoke.

“In May I found out I was pregnant. I got an abortion and broke it off with the guy I was seeing immediately afterward. The reason I haven’t had sex in so long is because I wanted to give myself time to accept the choices I’d made that had lead up to that event and learn from them. When you told me about your one-night stand, I think I just projected all of my feelings about sex…and how they’ve changed since May onto you and that was wrong.”

When I finished talking, I slowly looked up at Adam.

“We’ll have sex when we’re both ready.” He said simply.

“You don’t care that I’m…that I…”

“No.”

“R-really? It doesn’t make you look at me differently?” I said tearing up.

Adam pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.

“No. Why would it?” He pulled away so he could look at me directly, “You made the best decision for you. You wouldn’t be who you are if you didn’t and that’s the woman I fell in love with. The fact that you told me all of this in pajamas with purple sheep on them just sort of shows how right I was to fall in love with you in the first place.”

Adam smiled at me and I laughed and started crying.

“I’m sorry that I’m not ready.” I said wiping away tears that were coming fast, “This is so embarrassing.”

“Hey,” he lifted my chin so I would look at him, “don’t feel guilty or embarrassed by that. You have nothing to apologize for. I think I was probably putting a lot of pressure on you about it anyway, what with bringing it up all the time. We don’t need to have sex. We’re supposed to be taking things slow anyway, right?”

I nodded and he lifted my chin up to kiss him. When we pulled apart he put his forehead against mine and held my hands.

“I love you.” I said.

“I love you, too.”

After I walked him to the door and said goodbye, Molly came out of her room and leaned against her door jamb with a smirk on her face.

“What?” I asked smiling at her.

“You’re just growing up so fast.” She joked.

“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes at her and laughed.

“When's the wedding!?” She teased.

“You’re ridiculous.” I laughed.

“I want to make your wedding dress!” She yelled after me as I went into my room giggling.

28 comments:

  1. I don't care, I'd still be pissed. She clearly wanted to be with him, bag or no bag, but he was "uncomfortable". But he had a random with the bag? Not digging it at all. Mike, PLEASE insert yourself back into this story!!! mum

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    1. Agreed.

      Lifebyaleah.blogspot.com

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    2. Triple agree. Nevermind the question about what woman is going to have a one-night stand with a man and his colostomy bag??

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    3. Ohbgood grief guys. Faiths totally wrong here. When you love someone you don't want anything like that in the way.
      Faiths immaturity came through big time here

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  2. He cares that he has a bag because he loves Faith and wants it to be perfect with her! With a random chick that he barely cared for, he wouldn't care as much if he has a shit bag attached to him. He wants it to be better for Faith! I love Adam!

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  3. Haha, LOLed on the bit she said about Adam just looking at it and she'd probably have an orgasm.
    On a serious note, yeah, give us Mike baaaaack!

    Shameless self-plug
    datingandmedicalschool.blogspot.com

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  4. I don't see any reason for her to have been pissed. He couldn't care less about what some random woman thought of him having the bag and everything but of course he would care what Faith thought of him when he has been pining after her for so long! Get over it Faith, it has been 9 months, time to get busy with someone who loves you!

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  5. I get that people want Mike back. I really loved Mike and I was always for Mike and Faith getting back together. But no matter how much I still love Mike, I can't help but admit that Faith seems in a better place and more herself around Adam. I was skeptical of Adam. I really was. But every time I read a post about them, I can't deny that they seem to fit together well. Did it hurt that Adam could sleep with another girl but not with Faith while he had his bag? Yes. But I honestly think it's deeper than that. He loves Faith. He's been in love with her for years, and has waited so long to be with her. So I understand that he doesn't want to look back at the first he slept with this girl he's been in love with and remember having a bag of crap attached to him. I think that first time with Faith means a lot more to Adam than most readers are acknowledging.

    I also couldn't help, when reading that bit where she told Adam about her abortion, of thinking how Mike would have responded to that. This is just my opinion, but I don't think Mike would have been as understanding as Adam was. The main thing that caused Mike and Faith to break up was that whole ordeal with Brad. And to know that Faith dated Brad after him, and was carrying Brad's baby and had to get an abortion? I don't think that would necessarily sit well with Mike (which would be understandable). Again, it's just my opinion and I could be wrong. But either way, Adam's response was exactly what Faith needed. It's something of her past that has shaped who she is in this moment, and the fact that Adam understood that and didn't question it is a pretty big deal in my opinion. I love Mike, but I truly am enjoying Adam and Faith so far. Faith's moving on with her life and I'm really proud of her for that. I've really loved that last few posts Del, great job!

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    1. Agree with it all.

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    2. This is soooo true. I'm a big fan of Mike, but you're right. At this moment in time of Faith's life, her and Adam are a pretty good fit and she seems to be really happy. I'm on team whoever makes Faith happy :)

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  6. I don't think it's fair to compare the two. If Adam had been in Mike's situation and Faith had slept with Brad and then got pregnant, and had an abortion, Adam may not have been cool with it either. The only reason Adam is understanding of it now is because he wasn't dating Faith at the time. Who knows what his reaction would have been if the tables were reversed and it was him instead of Mike in that situation?

    Same thing when Faith told Mike about what happened with Sean and how they slept together while he was cheating on Karen and she was cheating on Randy. Like Adam, Mike understood the situation and told Faith that he loved her regardless of her past mistakes.

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    1. I don't think the commenter you're referring to was necessarily trying to compare the two and say one is better than the other. I think they were just trying to say that just like when Mike was understanding about the Sean and Randy stuff when Faith needed someone to not judge her about all of that, Faith now needs to be with someone who understands and won't judge the whole Brad and abortion situation. And the best person for that seems to be Adam right now. I pretty sure that commenter just meant it as, in this current moment of Faith's life, she needs someone who will understand. And bringing Mike back, like so many of the readers want, wouldn't be all flowers and sunshine. It would actually be pretty difficult and Faith is trying to move away from that part of her past.

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  7. This is a very interesting string of comments...maybe I should put a poll up to see how many people are on Team Adam and how many are on Team Mike.

    -del

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  8. Gah, it's turned into a better version of Twilight in here! I love that everyone is being much more cordial and nice and respectful than some Twihard fans would've been! Now, I'm going to preface what I'm about to say with I really enjoyed Mike when he was with Faith. He is exactly the type of guy I would've loved to date a couple of years ago. And Adam has been a fantastic friend to Faith, so it only makes sense that they would progress to having a relationship now that Faith is on the market and fully in control (and taking ownership) of her feelings and choices.

    I do have a question on the whole Mike thing and why they broke up. Now we all remember Christmas with Mike's family and how awful that ended up being. I mean, we all remember Mike throwing Faith under that bus and using her for sex in order to mask his feelings on his mother dying (some of Mike's faults that some of us may be conveniently ignoring). They broke up that night, right? Faith gave that bracelet back to Mike and she said it was over, correct? So my real question is how did Faith cheat on Mike when they were broken up, on a break/hiatus? That's something that has always confused me and I would really appreciate it if someone would be nice enough to explain that to me.

    I always envision Faith to be closer to her late-20s and Mike being closer to 22/23. Which is probably why I liked Mike (he was closer to my age range), whereas Adam is attractive in a different way. He seems like a 30 something (32ish) and he has that sense that he would offer stability and a healthy lifestyle/ mentality in a way that Mike never could for Faith. Maybe for another girl closer to what I picture his age to be, but not for our heroine, who is certainly moving mountains. Could it be that a majority of us aren't liking the match up because it is so ridiculously healthy? We're used to a Faith that has drama, where we (the audience) are trying to stir her right, instead of the fella in her life being able to do it? Could it also be that because Del has had to back date and get caught up, it seems like a lot at once as far as the Faith and Adam relationship goes?

    And this comment totally ended up being a book, sorry guys. Del, fantastic post as always and good luck with your applications! I'll certainly be praying for that stressful situation and the anticipation you must be going through!

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    1. The whole break/hiatus thing and whether or not Faith cheated on Mike...I don't know, they got back together very soon after that (like that very night if I remember right...) and it's such a gray area. Ultimately, Faith accepted that she'd cheated, she referred to what she did as that so I don't really know that it matters if we think she did or didn't, because Faith feels that she did.

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  9. Though I didn't comment on the abortion posts back in the day, I want to say it's refreshing to have a female blog like this actually addressing such an issue (and not in a 'it was a one night stand' type of way that it is usually portrayed as whenever it does make it into media)! Also, I was not a big fan of Adam with Faith for a while, but his response to her spilling everything this post was amazing. I can only hope if any of us were in a situation our significant others would handle the news with as much love and support!

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  10. Chris - @nylonlover69 on TwitterFebruary 28, 2014 at 8:09 AM

    Wow, ok, so I understand that Adam and Faith haven't done "the deed", but really, they haven't done ANYTHING? She said "You could look at it and I would probably have an orgasm". I know there was the time that they got started and then ended up with a mess, but no heavy make out sessions since? A little petting? Some oral either direction?

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  11. I loved Mike but I think the reason I like Adam with Faith is that they are better suited and she is more herself with him. Adam is flawed and has regrets and baggage like Faith. Mike didn't understand Faith and couldn't forgive her for her transgressions. He was too perfect and his expectations were too much for her, he needs to be with someome more like himself. Adam and Faith are being patient and mature with each other and I think it is healthy.

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    1. Ummm I don't think it's too much to expect your girlfriend not to sleep with anyone else. That doesn't make Mike too perfect, it makes him a human being. It doesn't mean he does not understand Faith. According to your logic, people who are not okay with their partners sleeping with someone else should easily forgive them.

      If I'm not okay with my bf sleeping with someone else, then yes, I guess I am TOO perfect.

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  12. Totally not what I meant. I didn't think he was too perfect because he couldn't forgive her for sleeping with someone else, it just always felt like them as a couple was her the damaged women with all sorts of baggage and him the perfect, sweet guy. I wasn't trying to make a grand statement about cheating, just an observation, I feel like her and Adam are more natural together and on more equal, honest footing. She never felt that she was good enough for Mike.

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    1. I get what you're saying. But Mike also had his own baggage. His sister mistreating Faith, him not standing up for her when they had that huge blowout at Mike's place. Mike screwed up as well and to say that he is perfect w/o any deal breakers isn't true.

      Also, not sure if this is a big deal or anything, but I felt that Mike and Faith's relationship progressed very well and sweetly. They never had any big blowouts - even when they were trying to find a time to have sex. I remember them waiting and waiting because it was never a good moment but they never really had a fight about it. With Adam, I don't know if you guys have noticed, but they've already had several arguments about sex. Yes, I know Adam had his reasons and Faith had hers, but with them it's always getting into a fight, one of them gets really mad about it and then later, they make up. Kind of reminds me of Sean and Faith for some reason.

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    2. I really disagree. I wouldn't say that those things were arguments necessarily, or that they were fights. I think the one in this post could definitely be seen as an argument but the one with how Adam was feeling wasn't. I saw it more as a frank discussion about where they were at and wanting to be on the same page than an actual argument. And yeah, he kind of shut down after their first date incident but I wouldn't classify that as an argument, either, because I see that more of a response to just feeling horrendously embarrassed from Adam's point of view.

      But I wouldn't classify them as fights or arguments except for the one in this post. At the same time, I don't think that fighting between a couple is necessarily indicative of it being a bad choice of a relationship. With Sean, it definitely was. Their entire relationship was them having sex and fighting. But with Adam I don't see the fighting to the same extent and when they do have tension, they talk about it and learn from it. I don't feel like that happened when she was with Sean. The strength of a relationship is defined by how the couple responds to fights, in my opinion, and with Faith and Sean it just bred more resentment between them and trust issues. With Faith and Adam, it seems like it's leading to more openness and honesty between them.

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  13. Adam having a one-night stand doesn't really bother me compared to with how he felt about sleeping with Faith. They weren't together and like Molly said it wasn't exactly clear when or even IF they were going to get together so Adam had no obligation to like not sleep with someone when he was single.

    And also, a one-night stand is a one-night stand. Faith has had at least one of those that I remember off the top of my head (the actor guy she met that one night with Molly in the cab or whatever, they tried dating but I think they went on one date or two) not to mention all those guys she dated after Sean. There isn't as much of an emotional connection with a one-night stand so it makes sense that Adam would be okay just having sex with someone he'll never see again and have hang ups about being with someone he really cares about.

    Plus, we don't know how great that night was for him, maybe it didn't go very well and then the malfunction with his bag that one night highlighted that he just didn't want to have sex again because of it. Or maybe it was weird and awkward for him and made him worried for what it would be like with Faith.

    Basically, I feel like there are a lot of things we don't know here and I feel like it's unfair to judge Adam for sleeping with someone before he and Faith got together. This is from Faith's perspective so we don't know what Adam is thinking or how he felt about that one-night stand or even really what went down.

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  14. Check it out, ya'll! There's a poll on the upper right! Feel free to vote for your team (this is just for fun, guys!).

    -del

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  15. Now, Del. When it comes to Faith, NOTHING is just for fun! LOL! mum

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