Moving on Up

Things have been moving slowly for me. It’s like I’m underwater but no one else around me is so they’re all talking and moving like normal while I’m struggling to breathe.

I miss him.

March 30th

The other day I came across one of Mike’s t-shirts. He’d left it at my place and it was hanging out under my bed. I probably wouldn’t have found it if I hadn’t caught Sasha treating it as her new chew toy. And I lost it. I lost it on my dog. I was screaming at her and crying while trying to get the shirt away from her and when I finally did it didn’t smell like him anymore, it smelled like dog slobber and that’s when I broke. I sat on the floor of my room, sobbing while clutching a dog slobber-soaked shirt to my chest and yelling expletives at my dog who looked sad and confused. It wasn’t one of my best moments, obviously.

Sasha’s behavior hasn’t been the best, lately, either. I know it’s because I’m not being a very good pet parent to her right now and after that incident I knew I needed to pull myself together and start taking care of her and myself. It’s been such a rough road. But things ARE looking up. Slowly. So, so slowly.

April 5^th

There was a knock at my door yesterday. It was Adam.

“Are you in town again?”

“No, I needed to talk to you.” He said leaning against my door jamb.

I crossed my arms and gave him a smirk.

“You don’t have to keep checking up on me.” I said.

Adam had started texting me, we were Facebook friends again, and he had called a few times, too. I knew it was because he wanted to see how I was doing but I didn’t realize he was in town. I figured he’d gone back to Ohio to figure out his situation there before deciding for sure to move back.

“I’m not checking up on you, but…well…how are you?” He asked.

“I’m…doing okay.” I said. And for the first time it actually felt true, “Things are better…easier.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” He put his hand on my shoulder and we fell into a hug. When we broke apart I could tell we were at the business part of why Adam was at my door.

“Listen, I wasn’t sure how to tell you this but I’m your new neighbor. I just moved in down the hall.”

He pointed to some boxes in the hallway sitting by a door one door down from me. I looked at him with confusion.

“Why? I told you, Adam, I don’t need to be watched… I’m doing f-”

“Yeah, I know…but I actually didn’t realize you lived here when I put the deposit down on this apartment. It’s purely coincidental. I swear.”

“Seriously?” I analyzed his face and knew he wasn’t lying, “Well…this….this is great! We’ll be able to hang out and watch Project Runway every week!”

We both laughed at the joke.

April 10^th

Zoey and Wesley are engaged! They’ve been together for so long and I’m so happy for them. I just got home from their impromptu engagement party and it was absolutely a blast. That being said it was hard not to have a lot of feelings creep up on me. I think Zoey knew that, too. She pulled me aside at the party to make sure I was okay.

“Congrats, Zoey! I can’t wait to start helping you plan your wedding.”

“Thank you, Faith!” She hugged me, “But…I know this is pretty terrible timing. And I know with…everything going on for you this might be difficult.”

I didn’t want to make Zoey feel bad by being a black cloud, it was her night and I wanted her to enjoy it. So I plastered on a smile and told her that I was fine and that she should enjoy all of the things that would be happening in the next year. She was pulled away by another guest and I sat down. I looked down at my hand at the ring Mike gave me. No, I never gave the ring back to Maggie. She had made a scene at the funeral for it but I refused to give it back. It was mine. I’d rather have thrown it into a garbage can than give it to her. But it felt…wrong to keep wearing it. Particularly because of how I had felt about my engagement to Mike. I had changed it to my right hand in an effort to make the weirdness stop but it still felt wrong, even after wearing it like that for over a month.

I tried not wearing it, too, but that felt just as wrong. Tonight, when I got home from the party, I took it off, put it on a chain, and I’m now wearing it as a necklace. It feels okay this way. It feels less like a lie this way but not as much of a betrayal to the person I loved.

April 28^th

In an effort to not be a hermit and at Adam’s insistence, I decided to go to a coffee shop and hang out for a while. I was sitting outside in the sunshine and I have to admit it did feel really nice. I brought a book with me and had a few hours to kill before work so I set up shop and just tried to relax and enjoy things again. I even bought myself one of those comically large cookies to go with my pretentious coffee drink to really absorb the whole experience.

While I was reading, though, a shadow covered my book. I looked up and was taken aback for a second.

“Hi…” I said.