Happy Fucking Holidays

Mike and I trudged up the snowy stoop to Maggie’s house. I was carrying several gifts for Grant and Annabelle and had gifts for Claire, Sarah, Maggie, and Jamie in a bag slung over my shoulder. Mike was holding a dish of my stuffed mushrooms and a couple bottles of wine.

I chose my outfit very carefully for the night. It was a black dress with long black sleeves and a conservative neckline. It went to just above my knee and I was wearing thick black tights and black shoes. Mike had commented that I looked like I was going to a funeral so I threw on some Christmas ball ornament earrings, put a gift bow in my hair, and changed my shoes out for some shiny red pumps that matched the earrings and bow.

Maggie greeted us at the door.

Thanksgiving Fables

I sat in the airport terminal twitching my foot nervously. Mike and I were waiting for my dad to pick us up. Mike could tell I was nervous about this trip and was trying to distract me.

Halloween, Birthdays, and Obligations

“Faith.” Maggie said stiffly when she answered the door.

“Maggie, it’s great to see you.” I said cordially.

“No need to lie.” She tittered.

Her tone was a joking tone but her eyes told me she meant it. Mike laughed and I joined in half-heartedly as we walked over the threshold to Mike’s dad’s house.

Tech Llama

I’m in the middle of tech and things have just been CRAZY. The moving set piece I mentioned awhile ago? Yeah, it’s broken and in need of an emergency part that we may not be able to get in time for opening night. The theatre’s renovation is also behind and, again, we don’t know if it’ll be ready in time for opening night. You can imagine where my stress levels are right now, especially when you consider that I haven’t slept more than five hours a night since it started because of how many things there are for me to get done.

When everything had wrapped on Friday night at 11:00pm I was absolutely exhausted. Molly offered to drop me off at home before she went over to Calvin’s to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

“Thanks again.” I said tapping on the roof of her car as she waved goodbye.

I trudged into the lobby of our building and leaned against the elevator wall as I rode it up to my apartment. I saw something laying in front of our door as I walked down the hallway. 

Open Book

Adam tried to approach Valentine’s Day with me a few days ahead of time.

Timing

Since the Amber Incident, I haven’t really gone out to do anything fun. I haven’t wanted to. The Halloween party Zoey had invited Molly and me to before everything happened wasn’t something I felt like going to in the aftermath. So I surprised myself when I accepted an invitation for a New Year’s Eve party from Steve.

Thankless

I know I haven’t written in a while and there’s a reason for that which I will talk about in my next post but right now I have to tell you guys about Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was…interesting.

The Truth Will Out

A word from the author: A few updates before this post, and a warning.

I've started getting responses for the survey (and hey, if you haven't taken it yet, please do so by clicking here, it's fast and easy and I'd really appreciate it if you could fill it out) and you guys have given me some GREAT feedback. So here are some changes I'm going to implement, so far (more changes will probably be coming but those have to do with story line and characters so those won't be immediate and other changes that will really come only when we're caught up with real time):

• I will be introducing a character page for the sidebar. It will have every character that has appeared on the blog in alphabetical order with descriptions and summaries of how they relate to Faith. A lot of you mentioned that it was hard to remember who was who so I'm going to work on making that and will let you all know when it's complete. It may take me awhile because there are A LOT of characters.
• Almost everyone mentioned the problem with not being on real time. And I completely agree. So I'm going to make every effort to get back to real time by August of this year, September at the absolute latest. Being back on real time has been my major goal for this year because being able to schedule posts makes things so much easier for me when it comes to posting consistently.
• You want longer posts more than two times a week. This is fair and I get it, you all love the blog and want more posts to read, but I'll be straight with you, it's not doable for a long period of time for me and trying to force myself to do a three times per week schedule is part of the reason why I'm so behind in time in the first place. It's almost double the amount of writing I would need to do for a two posts per week schedule and that puts a lot more of a strain on me to just write something so I have something to post. That's not how I like to write and you guys want long, high quality posts so that's not something any of you really want, either, because that's not what you're going to get when I realize that I don't have a post for the next day and it's 11:30 at night. So here's what's going to happen: I have some important stuff happening in July but once that's done, I'll start posting three times a week to get us back up to real time. Once school starts up again, we'll have to go to two times a week and I'll try to throw in a bonus post occasionally.
• I am going to change the posting schedule once school starts up again to being on Mondays and Thursdays. I think that balances things out a little more evenly and it'll be easier for me to have posts written for those days based on my class schedule for the fall. But, the posting schedule, for now, is still Tuesdays and Thursdays. I will make announcements when the schedule changes and put the posting days in the blog's sidebar.

Now for a warning...that sounds so serious, so, um, how about I'm giving you all a heads up: We're about to start a very rocky roller coaster ride for Faith. Many of you are going to absolutely hate it (based on the survey comments) but I promise that if you stick around for it the Faith you all fell in love with will be back by the time we get up to real time and things will be VERY different from where we've been for the past year and a half. As readers, you don't get the luxury to see how the road ends like I do, but please trust me when I say that, even though this will be a very frustrating few months for you and Faith, it is completely and entirely necessary for Faith's development as a character. I've been planning this story line out since I started the blog and it's exciting (and sort of scary) to finally have it written out and ready for your eyes. I hope you enjoy reading it (even if you don't like everything that's about to happen).

Happy Reading!
-del

The Big VD

“Hey, so…what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?” Mike asked.

New Year's

I woke up yesterday with a bad feeling but I couldn’t just cover my head with my blanket and stay in bed because I’m an adult and I have a hungry cat to feed and bills to pay. New Year’s Eve is our biggest night at Bruno’s and I really needed the money I’d be making by working (double time + tips) but I just couldn’t shake the bad feeling I had. I dressed with tips in mind and wore a sexy gray tank with no bra and a tight pencil skirt that went to mid-thigh with some black oxford booties.

Mike still hadn’t called me and I sighed as I checked my phone before clocking in for the night: No missed calls.

“Faith? What’s going on?” Cara said.

“Mike and I aren’t together anymore.” I said.

“Oh, really? I’m so sorry, Faith. I thought you guys made a nice couple.” She gave me a hug.

“Thanks, it happened on Christmas Eve and it’s just been…really hard.”

Cara and I talked for a few more minutes before heading into the bar and getting ready for the New Year’s crowds. Brad was stocking the bar and gave me a weird look but didn’t say anything.

A few hours later, we were so busy that Bruno had to come from the back and help us pour drinks. During some down time, I took my break and checked my phone. I had a text from Mike:

               “We need to talk. Can you come by my place when you get off work?”

I sent him a text saying that I could but it would probably be really late since I had to close. I immediately felt my heart sink; I knew what was coming and just wanted to craw in a hole. Any other plans for New Year’s would have been better than making an appointment to be dumped by my boyfriend after the busiest shift of the year. My break was almost over and the bar was crazy so I couldn’t wallow in self-pity for too long.

Cara was supposed to help us close but she slipped and fell in the stockroom and Bruno took her to the ER (she’s okay, it’s just an ankle sprain) which meant Brad and I were on our own for closing. Once last call was announced, people started filtering out and I started wiping down tables while Brad collected glasses.

It took us forever to clean the bar, let alone put everything away in the stockroom. I thought we’d never get done. We were both in the stockroom, finishing up inventory, when I got done I went to leave but Brad stopped me.

“Faith? I heard you and Cara talking about what happened with you and Mike. I’m sorry. I know you know Angel and I broke up awhile ago…”

“Thanks, I’m sorry, too.” I said sadly. I started crying, it was all too much.

Brad pulled me in for a hug and we just stood in the stockroom and held each other. But then Brad was kissing me. I pulled away, angry, and slapped him.

“What the HELL, Brad!?”

“What!? This is prefect, Faith. We’re both single now. We can get back together.”

He put his hands on my hips and pulled me to him. I didn’t know what to say. I suddenly realized that Brad had been waiting for me…and I felt terrible about it.

“Brad, we were never together. Not in the way you wanted to be. We went out on one date and it ended very badly.”

“Yeah, because of me. But I forgive you for that. I don’t care about what happened before.”

I pulled away from him again.

“But I do…Mike and I haven’t even officially broken up yet. I’m supposed to go meet him now.”

“Come on, Faith, you guys are over! He doesn’t deserve you!”

“How dare you! You know nothing about my relationship! Maybe he wants to get back together!”

“Oh, please! Like he’s going to take you back? He doesn’t think you’re special.”

I was hurt but what’s even worse is that Brad was echoing all of the doubts I’d been having since Christmas Eve. He put his hand on my face but I turned away from him.

“So, you thought that, what? I’d realize my mistake by dating him and go out with YOU?” I said angrily.

“There was a time when you did want to go out with me! I’m the one that called that off!”

“Yeah, I dodged a bullet there!” I yelled.

Brad and I stared at each other, we were both angry. And then somehow we were kissing. He pushed me up against the metal stock room door and pulled my shirt down so he could suck on and play with my nipples. He roughly tugged my skirt up around my waist and put his hand under my thong between my legs. I started moving my hips and pushed his leather jacket off before undoing his belt. I slipped my hand down into his boxers and started stroking him. He was rock hard in just a few seconds. Then things took a much rougher turn.

I undid his pants and he spun me around and pushed me up against the door again. He, literally, ripped off my thong and put it in his pocket before entering me from behind. He was thrusting very hard, my breasts were being rammed into the cold, metal door and he was pulling my hair. I’ve never had sex that was so violent before, but I liked it. His hands moved down and gripped my thighs, his fingers digging into my skin to hold me while he thrust his hips forward. After a few minutes he finished and slowly let go of me. He slipped out of me and put his hands on either side of me against the door. I slowly turned around and looked at him. We were out of breath. He moved one of his hands to my face and kissed me again. When he pulled away we both started laughing.

He pulled his pants up and I moved my skirt down and readjusted my shirt.

“Don’t forget your jacket.” I said awkwardly.

I left quickly after that and walked toward the bus. I sent Mike a text:

“Can we meet later tomorrow, I’m really tired from work.”

He was okay with it but I felt bad about lying. I could have gone over to Mike’s apartment and listened to him while he dumped me just to get it over with but I didn’t want to do that with the smell of Brad and sweaty bar sex coming off of me. I got home and immediately took a shower. I had a really hard time sleeping. The guilt from sleeping with Brad was overwhelming. Not only was it stupid of me to have slept with him while Mike and I weren’t officially broken up (but we ARE on a break so is it really cheating? I don’t know) but I’ve basically lead him on to believe that us being a couple is a possibility…again.

It’s amazing how I keep getting myself into these situations over and over again. Mike and I are meeting at a coffee shop in an hour and I am not looking forward to being dumped in public.

Christmas Eve

Mike and I arrived at Frank’s house for Christmas Eve dinner promptly at 5:30. Maggie had sent everyone an e-mail detailing the itinerary for the evening to the smallest minute the day before. Mike and I were expected to bring the wine and an appetizer. I decided to bring my famous stuffed mushrooms.

Maggie opened the door in a huff. The sound of a sports game was playing from the living room where Frank’s voice was mingled with Jamie’s. Mike gave me a kiss on the cheek before joining his dad and brother-in-law. I held out my stuffed mushrooms and Maggie directed me to the kitchen. She had asked me not to cook them before I arrived so they’d be hot when they were ready to be served.

I sat down at the kitchen’s island as Maggie popped the mushrooms into the oven, on the rack above the turkey. A few pots were boiling away on the stove top.

“Maggie, can I pour you a glass of wine?” I asked. She nodded as she began chopping some potatoes. That was a good sign. I smiled internally at Maggie FINALLY showing me something other than animosity. Sarah was setting the table in the dining room with Claire and Maggie’s kids were playing by the Christmas tree in the living room. It was nice to just sit and be with Mike’s family for a few small moments.

After about 15 minutes, Maggie served my stuffed mushrooms.

“Faith, these are amazing.” Claire said popping them into her mouth.

“Oh, thank you.” I said.

“No, for real, these are like crack. Can you bring them with you every time you come over?” Sarah asked.

Jamie came in and grabbed some too.

“Wow, Faith, did you make these, they’re great!” He said.

About 30 minutes later, Sarah and I were helping Maggie get everything ready for dinner. I was on salad duty and Sarah was in charge of mashing the potatoes. More and more dishes were sent out and the table slowly filled with Mike’s family. Maggie came out with the turkey and we all oohed and awed before passing sides and rolls around the table as Frank cut it.

Dinner was delicious and I was absolutely stuffed. Maggie had warm cider simmering on the stove and apple crisp ready to be put in the oven once the gifts were opened.

We all sat around the tree after dinner but the mood became fairly somber. No one really wanted to open the gifts from Betty, I think. There was a sense of finality to it and it also reminded everybody that there was a definite void this Christmas.  It was a fairly emotional experience to open the gifts Betty left behind.

Among the more memorable items Betty had purchased for her family was a necklace with pointe shoes on it for Sarah, a tea ball with Claire’s name on it and a matching tea cup, a car detailing kit for Mike and Frank to use for the car they’ve been refurbishing, and the scarf she had mentioned making for me shortly before she died. There were other gifts; handmade blankets for Annabelle and Grant, Jamie’s favorite kind of fudge. Mike got me a charm bracelet with a cat and fireman’s helmet on it to “symbolize [my] two favorite guys”.

But then it was time to give Maggie the heartfelt gift Frank had made for her. She opened it and started crying before thanking Sarah and Frank. It was very weird to see her show an emotion other than angry annoyance.

“This…this really means a lot to me dad.” She said looking at the cover which had a picture of her and Betty on it.

“It was really Faith’s idea.” Frank said.

I could feel Maggie’s mood shift almost immediately. She gave me a very cold, dirty look.

“Oh, of course it was.” Maggie said.

“Oh, that’s not really true I-” I said but Maggie cut me off.

“Well, Jamie why don’t you start throwing away the wrapping paper, I’m going to go put the apple crisp in the oven.”

She got up and left for the kitchen. She left the book on the couch.

About an hour and a half later, the kids were put to bed, Frank was snoring in his recliner and was out like a light, Mike was watching “A Christmas Story” on television with Jamie, and Sarah and Claire were sitting by the tree talking about their gifts.

I joined Maggie in the kitchen to help her clean up after we all ate her apple crisp and drank a bunch of cider.

“You really don’t have to do that.” She said.

“I want to. It’s not a problem. You’ve been in here almost all night, you deserve a break.”

“No, what I want is a break from YOU.” She sneered.

“Um, excuse me?” I said with complete shock.

“Ever since my mother died you have basically inserted yourself into this family to replace her and, frankly, it’s disgusting.”

“Maggie, I am not trying to replace your mother.”

“Oh, really? You’re basically acting like Sarah’s mother!” She shouted.

Claire and Sarah came into the kitchen to see why Maggie was yelling.

“You have done nothing but insert yourself into our family business without even being invited.”

“Maggie, you’re being more than a little rude.” Claire said.

“Shut up, Claire, this has nothing to do with you.” Maggie yelled.

“It does, too! We’re part of this family, too, and neither one of us has a problem with Faith being here.” Sarah declared. It was the first time I’d ever seen her stand up to Maggie about anything.

“Sarah, you’re just a child, you have no idea the kind of person SHE is.” Maggie said.

Claire and Sarah both deflated at Maggie’s admonishments.

“Okay, you know, what, Maggie? I have never met someone as toxic as you in my life. I have been incredibly accommodating to you and the pain you must be in about Betty dying, but I am not going to let you treat me like garbage anymore. This is ridiculous. Mike and I are dating, if you have a problem with it, you’ll have to keep it to yourself because I will not allow you to steamroll me like you do to your family members.” I said seething.

“My mother may have liked you, Faith, but I see right through you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I said.

“My mother had no idea what a trashy whore you are; just like she never had any idea about any of Mike’s other girlfriends.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I said.

“Oh, really? Are you denying screwing my brother during my mother’s WAKE?” She screamed.

Sarah and Claire looked at me with shock and disgust; then Jamie and Mike came to the kitchen and I absolutely wanted to die from humiliation.

“Faith, what’s going on?” Mike said taking in the scene of us arguing.

“Oh, your sister just decided to tell everyone about our sex life. Would you like to say something?” I said standing back to look at him and crossing my arms over my chest.

Mike looked at me with confusion.

“She just announced that we had sex during your mother’s wake.” I said.

“Whoa.” Jamie said looking at Mike.

“Go upstairs and check on the kids.” Maggie snapped at Jamie. He left reluctantly, looking back between Mike and I.

"How did she know that?" I asked Mike.

"I didn't tell her!" He said.

“I heard you two. I came to get Faith to ask her to help me in the kitchen and instead I got to see...well...hear what a trashy whore she is. Mike she has done nothing but act like she’s here to replace mom. AND she’s a trashy whore.”

“Hey, whoa, WHOA.” Mike said trying to step in.

“She took your little sister shopping for funeral clothes, she went Christmas shopping with dad, she disrespected our mother’s memory, she took OUR places by our mother’s death bed!!!” Maggie was hysterical.

I looked at Mike. His silence was deafening.

“I…should go.” I said quietly, “Merry Christmas, guys.” I said to Sarah and Claire who were still looking at me as if they had no idea who I was.

I collected my things and headed out of the house, thankful that Frank was still sleeping in his chair and hadn’t heard any of what was said in the kitchen. After pulling my coat, hat, and scarf on in the windy snow outside, I pulled my phone out and ordered a cab. I tried to fight my tears; I refused to let Maggie see me even sniffle.

“Faith, wait!” Mike yelled after me. He had run out of the house with just a sweater on.

“What?” I said with exhaustion. I crossed my arms and stood on the curb, refusing to look at him.

“What Maggie said was-” He put his hand on my shoulder.

“You know, I actually don’t really care what Maggie said.” I said spinning around and shrugging his hand off of me, “I’m a little more pissed off at what you DIDN’T say. SHE made me feel humiliated and unwelcome, but YOU…YOU made me feel even worse than that, which is funny because I didn’t think that was going to be possible after she announced my sexual activities in front of your entire family and called me a trashy whore. TWICE.”

I wasn’t even bothering to keep my voice down. I couldn’t believe Mike basically left me out to dry like that. I was so incredibly angry and also horrifically embarrassed.

“Do you think I’m trying to replace your mom?” I asked him.

Mike was quiet for just a beat too long and I became even angrier.

“No, but-”

“Mike, you KNOW I only did that stuff for your family because I care about YOU. I wanted to make things easier for YOU. I took Sarah out to buy a dress for your mother’s funeral because I knew you were having a hard time dealing with the funeral arrangements. I did it for YOU. Even the incident at the wake I did for YOU. I didn’t want to, if you recall! I have been dealing with your sister treating me like crap because I didn’t want to upset YOU and drag you into it! I suggested the recipe book to Frank because I thought it would ease the tension with Maggie and make things easier for YOU! I went to the hospital to be there for YOU. I was by your side so you could lean on me when you needed to!”

“Faith, listen, I know that, okay? I don’t’ think you’re trying to replace my mom. I know you just did all of that stuff for me, but-”

“BUT!? BUT!?” I screamed.

Mike backed away from me and tried to calm me down.

“Listen,” he said, “I’m not blaming you I just think that maybe my sisters and dad were trying to use you as a replacement and that’s OUR fault, not yours. Maggie should be angry with us, and I’m going to talk to her about it but I think all of us just sort of need to take a break from…you.”

“Oh.” I said suddenly quiet. I blinked, “Oh, you’re breaking up with me.”

The cab turned the corner and started driving towards the house.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying…I just think me and my family need to deal with this on our own…as a family, where we won’t be tempted to use you like a dead-mom-replacement. I think you and I should…go on a break. I think I need some time to deal with this on my own since-”

I opened the door to the cab and stared at Mike.

“You want some time away from me? FINE. Take as much time as you need, Mike. Don’t fucking call me again.” I said throwing the charm bracelet he gave me just a few hours ago at his chest.

I slammed the cab door and barked my address to the driver. I sat there in absolute rage and couldn’t even call any of my friends to tell them what happened because it was Christmas Eve and they were spending time with their families. I wiped away a tear that had escaped as soon as I got into the back of the cab. I sat there looking at the scarf Betty Made for me hanging around my neck. It was a gorgeous cerulean blue embroidered with shiny, white silk in the shape of snowflakes. I started crying harder. Betty’s death and the fact that Mike and I broke up on Christmas Eve all hit me at once and I was a sobbing mess. The cab driver took my money and was nice enough to ignore the fact that I was sobbing.

When I got to my apartment, the door was unlocked and all of the lights were on. Someone was there.

Thanks!

Thanksgiving at Mike’s parents’ house was lovely. I got to meet his little sister who is a sophomore in college. She goes to school two states over but she seems to really like it. Her name is Sarah and seeing her interact with Mike just made my heart melt. Mike and I were put in charge of pies, so we arrived with pumpkin and apple after I got done with the show (that’s right, it is now open and getting sold out almost every night).

Mike’s mom was in the kitchen with Sarah, working up a storm. Sarah was in charge of the gravy and I was put on salad-tossing duty. Mike was setting the table and Frank was pouring wine into the glasses. The turkey was sitting on the kitchen island, resting, and Betty was taking warm dinner rolls out of the oven and taking stock of everything.

Once the gravy boats were filled, the stuffing and potatoes were put in serving dishes, and the turkey made its grand entrance, we all sat around the dining room table salivating at the gorgeous food. We went around the table and said what we were thankful for (it’s a family tradition for Mike’s family) and then Frank started cutting ip and serving the turkey.

Sarah was very friendly to me, she talked about college and what it was like being away from her mom and dad while Mike and his dad talked about the car they were re-furbishing. Betty listened to Sarah as she talked about her major.

“I don’t know, I think business is a good idea realistically-speaking but I wish being a dance major was a possibility.” Sarah said while eating some stuffing.

“Why isn’t it?” Betty asked with a sly smile.

“Well, because.” Sarah said reaching for the gravy boat, “I don’t even know what I would do with that. What do you think Faith?”

“Hmm.” I buttered a dinner roll, “I’ve always thought that when it comes to majors in college, you should do what you like and make it practical.”

“What did you do?” Sarah asked.

Betty smiled at me, I’m sure Mike had told her all about my college history and I think the smile was a sign of approval.

“I double-majored. I got a communications degree and a theatre degree.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. A lot of the classes overlapped and I used my communications degree to work in HR for awhile, now I’m working as a stage manager and a bartender for now. But I’m hoping that, at some point, I won’t need to have that side job and be able to completely work in theatre.”

“I never thought about double-majoring.” Sarah contemplated with a slice of turkey.

“The trick to double-majoring is to pick two majors that you’d like that have a lot of overlapping classes. You’ll be able to graduate on time. And a great bonus is that you can apply to more scholarships than you would if you were only majoring in one thing because you’ll be eligible for the scholarships for the other major, assuming they require the applicants to be majoring in that subject.”

“So, if I want to major in dance, I should really pick something that overlaps, but I don’t think there’s anything.”

“You’ll need to look in your course catalog, sweetie.” Betty said, “I’m sure there’s something. But even if there isn’t, there isn’t anything wrong with majoring in dance.”

The conversation continued easily and Mike and left stuffed with food and good cheer. I called my parents when I got home and talked about how their Thanksgiving was and my told me that my brother had decided to come home for Christmas for a few days. I’m glad about that. I’d called and asked him if he would do that instead of spend his entire Christmas vacation off from work at his new girlfriend’s parents’ place and he said no, but he must have felt guilty and changed his mind. I’m glad my parents won’t be alone for Christmas, now.

Not Gonna be Home for the Holidays

“Hey.” I said when Mike answered his phone.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I just told my mom about not being able to come home for the holidays because of work. There was crying.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Faith. She didn’t take it well, I assume?”

“That is an understatement.” I sighed, “But I don’t know what she wants me to do. I can’t fly in, I have to work. If I was just working at Bruno’s it would be a different story but it’s not like I can just not call the cues for the show, you know? And I’m making a ton of money for working the holidays, for the show AND for Bruno’s. I told her I’d come home for a long visit after the show closed but I don’t think it made her feel any better.”

“She just needs some time. She’ll understand. Your brother has missed holidays before, right?”

“Yeah, but this will be the first year that neither one of us is going to be there for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I told her that she and my dad could come here and spend Christmas with me but she refused, she hates the city.”

“Why can’t your brother be there?”

“He’s on tour for a show and met someone so he’s going to her family’s house for their holiday break instead. I’m going to try to talk him into splitting it up between his new girlfriend’s family’s house and our parents’ but we’ll see how that goes.”

“So, what are you doing for the holidays when you aren’t working?”

“Probably calling my sobbing my mother…” I said.

“Why don’t you spend the holidays with my family?”

“What?”

“Come on, Faith. We’ve been dating since the summer and I’d love for you to meet my parents. You know that. They would LOVE to have you, and you’ll be able to meet my sisters.”

“I’ll…what the hell. Why not?”

“Yessss!” Mike’s happiness was evident on the phone and it made me smile.

I’m terrified of meeting his family but it’ll be nice to not have to sit in my apartment by myself for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. If I can’t be with MY family, I guess being with my awesome boyfriend’s family is the next best thing.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.

Home Sweet Home

I flew home for Christmas yesterday and it was a really long flight. I’ve been thinking about my fight with Zoey for days. She won’t return my calls or e-mails, neither will Anna or Molly. I’ve been completely frozen out by my friends. I’m angry at Zoey for telling Anna and Molly my business and I don’t think she had any right to do that. There was a reason I hadn’t told any of them about the things that had been going on and this is why. I knew they wouldn’t support me. I don’t think I’m asking them for much. It’s really none of their business who I choose to involve myself with and it’s certainly not their job to judge me for it.

Being home has been really nice even with all of the bad stuff meddling with my thoughts. I’ve really missed my parents. My brother got home from his tour in Afghanistan a few days ago. We didn’t expect him to be home until April but all of the soldiers in Afghanistan are being pulled out and my brother was one of them. He didn’t tell any of us. He showed up at the house and my mom almost had a stroke. There were lots of tears and happiness and the first thing he ate was a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.

I’ve been thinking about how things were last year. I was really doubting my relationship with Sean and I was so unhappy and here I am a year later, still unhappy and doing whatever it is I’m doing with Sean. At the same time it’s a bittersweet memory because things might have been fixable at that point. I don’t know why I keep holding onto thoughts like that about our relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Sean and after what I just did to Randy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don’t know how my life has turned into what it has. I’m about to be unemployed, my friends have all deserted me, and I’m having sex with someone that I feel constantly confused about. My life is a mess and I have a lot of thinking to do to try and get my act together before I lose everything.

I haven’t heard back from any jobs, meanwhile none of my co-workers are even remotely aware that they are all about to be told they are going to lose their jobs. I’m preparing myself for the fallout that’s sure to come when my work friends find out and feel like I betrayed them. I won’t blame them for feeling that way, either. I would probably feel the same way if it were me. Stormy is the one I’m most worried about since he’s still couch surfing in my apartment (he’s watching Murphy for me while I’m home and I told him he could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch while I’m away). I hope things don’t get super awkward.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

Candid

Apparently, I’m making sleeping with Sean a habit. Yes, it happened again (actually a few times since I last posted). Yes, I hate myself for it. No, I don’t know why I’m letting this happen. No, I haven’t told anyone about it.

He called me to see if he could come get the sweater he’d left behind back and I said okay. What I should have done was left it at the front office and had him pick it up there but I didn’t. He came over, we had coffee, he started talking about the tour and Karen and the baby and being a dad, and then it just happened. He’s been coming over off and on for what are essentially booty calls. We aren’t back together again; we’re just both sleeping with each other.

Last night we were laying next to each other and staring at the ceiling. I was overwhelmed with guilt and wasn’t really in the mood to listen to Sean wax nostalgic about our relationship like he usually does afterward.

“I’ve missed you, Faith. I’ve missed THIS.”

“What cheating on your girlfriend?” I said unapologetically.

Sean was quiet for minute; like he was deciding whether to take the fight or not.

“Oh, so I’m cheating on Karen but you’re not cheating on Russell?”

“Randy.”

“Whatever. You don’t get to judge me anymore for cheating on you, Faith, not when you’re doing the same thing.”

“It’s NOT the same.” I said shaking my head and continuing to stare at the ceiling.

“No, you’re right. It’s worse than what I did to you because you keep doing it. I only slept with Karen the one time.”

“Oh, and I can be sure of that? You practically lived with her on a tour bus. How am I supposed to know you weren’t sleeping with her on the side?”

“I’m not getting into this.”

“Fine, are we going to talk about all the other things you never wanted to talk about when we were together? Like Paul?”

“Faith, don’t.”

“You should probably go. Karen will be suspicious. What have you been telling her, anyway, to get time away from her to come over here?”

“Band practice.”

“She probably knows, you know.”

Sean didn’t say anything for awhile.

“You’re right, I should go.”

“Bye.”

He got up, got dressed, and left without another word. As soon as I heard my front door close, I got a text from Randy:

“Are we still on for tomorrow night? The babysitter is going to stay the night ; )”

I replied, “yes” and immediately felt guilty. I know I should tell Randy. I know that I’m cheating on him and it sucks because I know how bad that feels but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried a few times but I can’t bring myself to say the words. Randy seems so happy and content in our relationship right now and I don’t want to be the one that ruins it even though I already have.

Thanksgiving at Zoey’s was fun. She cooked some awesome food, Molly helped, and we had it at Wesley’s new place. I’m pretty sure Zoey and Wesley will end up moving in together pretty soon and it feels bittersweet. I’m happy for Zoey. She deserves to have a great guy but I’m also jealous. Sean and I were going to live together and be happy and it didn’t work out and instead I’m sleeping with my cheating ex-fiancé while I’m dating a great guy. I’m really messed up, guys. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they hate Sean and they don’t think I should be dating Randy, either.

Belated Valentine

Sean and I couldn’t go out on Valentine’s day because he had a big meeting about the upcoming tour and then he had to work so we planned to go out some time after Valentine’s day. I spent Valentine’s Day with my favorite little man, Murphy, instead. We watched Titanic and pigged out on Chinese food. It was a good kitty-mommy bonding night. Not going out with Sean on Valentine’s was actually really nice because we didn’t have to fight to get a table at a restaurant or wait in line at the movies or anything when we finally did go out. I definitely think this is something Sean and I should do again next year instead of fighting the Valentine’s crowds.

Our hot date ended up being a dinner and a movie date. We decided on a matinee and Sean was keeping our dinner plans under wraps so I dressed up in a strapless black cocktail dress with a white bow that tied in the back around my waist. The dress had white tulle that peaked out at the hemline and I topped it off with silver dangle earrings and white and block polka-dotted peep toe pumps that had a black accent bow. I added a white ribbon in my hair and grabbed a black cardigan in case the weather got cold.

We went to see True Grit and Sean loved it! I’ve never seen a western before, but I certainly wasn’t bored watching that one. I can see why it was nominated for an Oscar. Afterward, Sean and I went to dinner on a boat! I was really surprised at how extravagant it all was. We were served a three course dinner while the boat floated down the river. It was absolutely beautiful; the city skyline sparkled off the water and provided an unbelievably romantic and peaceful ambience.

“I can’t believe you did all of this.” I said sitting at our table.

It was draped in a deep purple table cloth with silver candle holders in the middle and a low centerpiece of white and pink roses interspersed with small, yellow flowers surrounding the candle holder bases.

“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to pay me back.” Sean winked at me and sat down.

The food was absolute heaven. We had a bread basket for our first course that had all sorts of warm, fresh baked bread in it and various types of butters. I could have eaten that bread for the rest of my life. For our entrees, we had filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes, fresh mixed vegetables, and really good wine. For dessert we had a chocolate fondue set-up with fresh strawberries, vanilla pound cake cubes, pineapple chunks, and cherries for dipping. It was, hands down, the best date I have ever been on.

Once we finished dinner, the boat was still sailing so Sean and I went out onto one of the decks and took in the scenery. I was leaning against the railing and Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind to keep me warm. We stood there in a comfortable silence listening to the water lap against the sides of the boat and smelling the clean breeze coming off the water.

“I love you so much.” He whispered. His voiced seemed almost tinged with sadness.

I turned around and looked deep into his eyes, “I love you, too. Thank you for tonight, it’s been wonderful.”

Sean kissed me with more affection than he has since before my apartment was broken into and we got pretty hot and heavy against the boat railing. It has been so long since Sean has touched me like that, with that much electricity coursing through him, with that much ferocity behind his kisses. The night I had my panic attack pales in comparison to the way he was touching me last night. It was even more needy, even more hungry than I had ever expected and I went with it. After awhile, though, things started to get really out of hand.

“Whoa, there!” I giggled, “We need to wait until we get home.”

“How much longer is this damn boat ride?” He said between laughing and kisses.

He pulled me closer to him and we started dancing. There wasn’t any music but it was still nice, especially since Sean and I don’t really go out dancing all that much.

“I’m really just hiding my boner until the boat docks.” He joked.

I laughed so hard I snorted and then Sean made fun of me for the final 20 minutes of our boat ride. We took a cab back to my place because I needed to feed Murphy and Sean could not keep his hands off of me. It was pretty shocking considering how slow we’ve been taking things. He practically chased me up the stairs to my apartment! I shooed him away once I got into my apartment because Murphy was starving and found him laying across my bed in his boxers when I walked in, in what he thought was a seductive pose. I started laughing and Sean made a mock face of offense.

“Laughing isn’t really what a guy wants to hear when a girl sees him in his underwear.” He said reaching for me and untying the bow on my dress.

I kicked my shoes off and fell on top of him after taking the bow out of my hair.

“Sean, you seem really excited but I’m kind of scared.” I said, “I don’t know if I’m ready…can we slow this down like a lot?”

Sean’s face got serious, “Of course. What do you need me to do?”

“Just tell me before you do things? Maybe ask me before you do something so I can prepare for it?”

“Okay.”

What followed was some pretty awkward sex full of questions and pauses, but it was still sex. Afterward Sean asked me how I was feeling.

“I’m not sure. I thought I’d be happy when this finally happened but that’s not how I’m feeling.”

Sean’s face fell and I was quick to correct myself.

“It’s not that I’m sad, Sean. I enjoyed it. I just don’t feel as…relieved as I thought I would. I don’t feel like I’m any better, I guess, and that makes me feel disappointed.”

“I understand.”

“Was it bad for you?” I asked suddenly self conscious.

“No. I actually learned a lot about what you like and don’t like.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was pretty sexy.”

I gave Sean a kiss and we fell asleep. In hindsight, I still don’t really know what I feel about having sex, finally. I think I might have been thinking too much about what having sex meant in terms of my therapy and progress and therefore I didn’t get into it as much. Dr. Sheehan told me a few sessions ago that sex isn’t just about the act, but the intimacy involved, which is why sexual assaults can be so traumatic. So maybe I didn’t feel the way I expected to because I wasn’t fully connecting with Sean.

Confuzzled

Well, I’m back! The flight back was kind of hard, if I’m being honest. This trip home reminded me of just how much I miss my family and the security they provide me. I really should make a better effort to see them more often. Christmas was really fun. My brother was able to call us and it just happened to be while we were eating Christmas dinner. My dad put the phones on speaker and it was almost like we were having a normal family dinner with the four of us. My brother is doing well, he’s just bored. It sounds really monotonous but I think the Christmas gifts we sent him will help with that. We sent him a few books and a video game for his DS and of course MOUNTAINS of food. Apparently Shannon (yeah, they’re still together) got him a Kindle to read and sent it to him fully loaded with books and plays for him. You all know how I feel about my brother dating her, it seems everything she does annoys the hell out of me, but I’ll just leave it at that.

My parents loved the gifts Sean and I bought them and Sean sent me a text message thanking me for his gifts and to wish me a Merry Christmas. All of his bandmates also sent me thank you texts, except for Gerry. I was surprised that Karen did, considering I’ve never met her, but it was nice all the same. Sean got me a really nice label maker and a purse I’ve had my eye on for awhile. My parents bought me a Kindle and it is AMAZING. I love it. I love it. I love it.

New Year’s passed fairly smoothly. I didn’t have any plans and it was actually really nice. My mom bought me one of those cheesy New Year’s hats and noisemakers which she used to do when I was in high school. My best friend and I would rent a television series and watch it on New Year’s complete with a party tray and the fancy Welch’s grape juice in the bottles. My mom would even let us drink it out of champagne flutes. We did that until we had a falling out our freshman year of college. But then I met Zoey and we made our own traditions that weren’t nearly as PG. Sean sent me a picture to my phone of him kissing Murphy at midnight since he couldn’t kiss me which made me giggle (Sean graciously offered to take care of Murphy while I was away).

I wish I could say I was a little clearer about how I feel about our relationship but the truth is I’m more confused than ever. We both do things, like what he did with the picture and Murphy for New Year’s that make me think we’re cute and couple-y but then when I think about it even more I wonder if we just do them to go through the motions. I don’t know if there’s any substance to them than just being expected and that bothers me. I know sitting here and moaning about this isn’t going to fix the problem but I’m not sure I’m ready to bring it up to Sean yet. I need to understand how I feel before I even make an attempt to tell him. Maybe Dr. Deerhorn will be able to help me. I’m going to see him tomorrow.

Holiday Thoughts

I’m home, officially. It was a long flight and I’m definitely enjoying just relaxing at home with my parents doing Christmasy things. My mom and I baked cookies last night and we got some snow today so I took some time to watch it fall. I really liked watching snow fall as a kid and it still entrances me in adulthood, it’s just so pretty. I finished my Christmas shopping here and sent out Sean’s gift to him a few days ago (the guitar pick thing I bought for Guy, a new guitar strap, and a black and gray hoodie), his gifts for me arrived the other day and my mom wrapped them and put them under the tree. I have no idea what they are.

My mom has decided that I am going to help her make our Christmas dinner tomorrow because I need to learn to cook or else I’ll “never get married”. She usually says I’ll never get a man unless I learn how to cook but since I already have a man, I guess the next step would be marriage. Thankfully she’s starting me off with the easy stuff. All I’m responsible for making is her cheesy scalloped potatoes and heating up some bread. It’s kind of nice to bond with my mom over cooking though. I mean who doesn’t love their mom’s food and by extension their mom, right?

I know I haven’t posted in awhile but I’ve been taking some time to think about this Sean situation. He took me to the airport before I left and there was still some weirdness between us. I’m pretty sure it’s from bringing up Paul and Gerry when we were out shopping but I also think it’s because we both know this is our last shot at a relationship and if we screw it up, it’s over. I’m sort of getting the feeling that Sean isn’t really into our relationship anymore but doesn’t want to be the one to break it off. I know it’s probably nothing but when we met in the coffee shop, he said something that’s been bothering me.

He said, “So you still love me, huh?”

It’s probably nothing but it made me wonder, does Sean still love me? Maybe he doesn’t and he’s doing the non-communication thing to pick a fight?

Our relationship has been full of problems; problems caused by both of us equally and I’m doubtful that we will be able to recover from it all. I mean, if you think about everything we had, it was based on a lie. Sean and I were just having sex when we decided to start dating and the whole time he was lying to me about his erectile dysfunction, which, to be fair, he wasn’t necessarily required to tell me about that when we were just having sex. But when it became the first major issue in our relationship after we started dating, it was something I needed to know (I mean, he was withholding sex with me and lying about why), and he lied about it. A lot. I’ve been looking through my blog at the beginning of our dating relationship and, at the time I was frustrated, confused, and wondering if I was the problem, but looking back, I see just how much Sean was unwilling to communicate.

But then he got better at communicating and I was the one that started lying and now we’re back to him not communicating things to me; things about his brother, about his feelings with Gerry and Kevin. It leaves me with a sense of sadness, I feel like we’ve been doomed since the beginning.

My parents have been pretty understanding and haven’t asked about Sean. I think they can tell something was up and I’m sure my mom is dying to ask me but my dad convinced her not to. I’m really thankful for that. The only allusion to my relationship issues my dad made was a conversation we had today. I was sitting in their bay window watching the snow and he made me a cup of hot chocolate.

“You seem sad.”

“I’m not, really. The snow is just peaceful and reminds me of my mortality.” I joked.

“Are you a poet now?”

“Maybe.” I said taking a sip of my hot chocolate. It was perfect; my dad can make the perfect cup of hot chocolate and the perfect scrambled eggs with cheese. Anything else he makes is grilled, even in the winter time; it drives my mom nuts because she’s constantly worried about the house catching on fire but my dad is a self-professed grill master and is very attentive when he’s making food so she really worries for nothing.

“You know, I would avoid anything that makes you look so sad. I miss my little girl’s smile.” And with that he left me to my thoughts.

Did my dad just tell me to break up with Sean in his own “I’m-not-going-to-pry-but-this-is-my-advice-to-you” kind of way?

Mall Rats

Sean and I went Christmas gift shopping for my parents even though we decided it was best if he didn’t come. I made up an excuse about him having a family emergency that he couldn’t get out of and would be dealing with for awhile and my mom was upset but didn’t push the issue. He wanted to buy my parents gifts as a way to apologize and still somewhat participate in the holidays with them since they were nice enough to invite him. My mom was able to get almost all of her money back for the ticket, too, so things worked out pretty well in that regard.

“What kind of stuff do they like again?” Sean asked as we strolled through a mall.

“Well, my mom likes snowmen things, but only if they’re blue. She likes them more if they’re dark blue but she will accept light blue ones as well. She also loves anything with a butterfly on it and recently got into making and drinking tea. My dad is obsessed with his Kindle and food.”

“Hmmmm.” Sean looked around and pulled me through the mall. I know this is probably shocking, because I LOVE shopping, but holiday shopping is something I’m not that into because of the crowds and how rude people can be. Plus, my parents are deceptively hard to shop for, especially my dad.

After a few hours Sean and I left the mall with some fancy chocolate truffles, an Amazon Kindle gift card, and a cover for the Kindle with a built in light on it for my dad. For my mom Sean found a cute little stuffed animal type of snowman, two tea ball infusers, and a garden sculpture of a butterfly with stained glass wings. I’m going to be bring all of his gifts with me, except the garden sculpture (which is from both of us, as is the Kindle reading light cover) and the truffles which he’ll be mailing to me. I was a little touched with how much thought Sean put into the gifts that he got for my parents. I’m not really sure why, I mean, Sean is a thoughtful guy but it was touching to see that he was being just as thoughtful towards my parents as he normally is with me. We grabbed some dinner in the food court and a thought struck me while we were eating.

“Um…should I get a gift for your brother?” I asked randomly.

Sean looked at me stiffly.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I just thought that since you weren’t going to come home with me you’d make other plans. No one should be alone on Christmas.”

“I’ll just hang out with the guys.”

“They aren’t visiting family?”

“Well, Lou isn’t. He doesn’t have one, we’ll probably just order Chinese food and watch It’s a Wonderful Life on cable.”

“Wait, what? Lou doesn’t have a family?”

“No.” Sean shook his head, “His parents were murdered when he was a kid in a convenience store robbery, his little brother died three years ago from a drug overdose, and his grandmother passed away shortly after from cancer.”

“That’s so sad.” I said.

“Yeah, his mom was pregnant when she died too. They weren’t able to save it. Lou would have had a sister.”

I was shocked at how coldly Sean was able to recite this information. Part of me wondered if it hit too close to home for him and detaching himself from it was a coping mechanism.

“Sean…” I said tentatively, “Why don’t you talk to your brother.”

“Can we not get into this? He’s not part of my life, that’s really all that matters.”

I let it go and we finished dinner shortly after. I bought gifts for Lou and the other band members (a matching scarf set for Eddie and Jake, a guitar pick-shaped hole-puncher that you can use on old gift cards or credit cards to make your own picks for Guy, a clipboard with a calculator on it and a pen storage compartment for Karen, and a gourmet cheese sampler for Lou which Sean promised me he would love) once we started walking around again. I think I’ll probably get Sean that same guitar pick maker thing because he seemed really interested in it (and a little jealous I wasn’t buying it for him). I paused before we left, though.

“What’s up?” Sean said when he noticed I had fallen back.

“Should we get something for Gerry?” I asked.

Sean looked at me for a moment, incredulous.

“You’ve known him for a long time. He’s going through a rough patch.”

“Without work I don’t really know what to get him. A card that says, ‘congrats on not killing yourself’?”

“Sean, that’s kind of rude.” I said surprised at his words, “He really could have died, you know. You said he moved into his own apartment, could we send him some pots and pans or something?”

“Fine.” He said trudging back into the mall with me. We didn’t get Gerry a set of pots and pans, instead, we ended up buying him a welcome sign for his front door that had music notes on it and some pretzels dipped in chocolate.

I think bringing up Gerry was probably stupid, in hindsight, but I think now that he’s getting help, Sean should try and rebuild what they had or at least make a good will gesture to at least let Gerry know that he knows he’s alive and okay. Bringing up Paul was also stupid. I knew it was a taboo topic and Sean had previously made it clear it was off-limits but I don’t like the idea of Sean and Lou sitting around in an apartment on Christmas, alone. Had I known about Lou’s past beforehand I probably would have insisted that he come to my parents’ house for the holidays as well, since I’ve gotten to know him a bit better since Sean’s arrest, but it’s too late now.