Just Call Me Nancy Drew

The plot has thickened with my parents’ move.

Thanksgiving Fables

I sat in the airport terminal twitching my foot nervously. Mike and I were waiting for my dad to pick us up. Mike could tell I was nervous about this trip and was trying to distract me.

Friendlies

Adam and I were out on a date. The weather was finally not blisteringly cold so we met up at a park and walked around near the lake for awhile until the wind picked and we were too cold. We ended up going to a little Italian place for dinner.

I wore a black scoop neck dress with ¾ sleeves and some black booties and Adam was wearing a grey sweater that really brought out his beautiful green eyes and dark wash jeans. We looked good.

Thankless

I know I haven’t written in a while and there’s a reason for that which I will talk about in my next post but right now I have to tell you guys about Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was…interesting.

Planner

The meeting Zeke requested is quickly on its way here and I have not been able to get Molly to tell me anything.

Quick Step

I was being indecisive about my outfit for my date with Mike. We had decided on an evening date and I couldn’t figure out what to wear for it. I wanted to look sexy but I didn’t want to give away the farm and be too over the top. Eventually, I ended up borrowing a dress from Molly. It was a strapless black cocktail dress with a fuller skirt and button details down the front to make it not as dressy. The top of the bust line was inspired by a shirt collar so it was fun but sexy. I wore it with a pair of black platform pumps and silver dangly earrings. I pulled one side of my hair up to keep it out of my face (and used a silver barrette to pull in the earrings) and then curled the rest. Molly suggested a black choker but I vetoed it and decided to accessorize my neck with just a small amount of perfume.

I met Mike on a train platform near my apartment.

“So what are we doing?” I asked coming up to him. He smiled and took me in.

“I thought we’d do dinner and dancing.”

“Oooh fun!” I said taking his arm.

We talked on the train on the way to dinner. He asked me about work and how Murphy was doing and I can honestly say that it was one of the easiest conversations I’ve had with a guy in a really long time. I feel like I’ve forgotten that dates don’t have to be complicated or painful. It was just a really nice train ride. We went to a place that had tablecloths and pretty candle centerpieces.

“This is a really nice place. I’ve never been here before.”

“It’s fairly new. I thought it would be a quiet place for us to talk and get to know one another.”

We were given warm bread and butter before Mike picked out a nice wine. I ordered a five cheese tortellini dish and Mike got spinach and cheese stuffed ravioli and a pasta salad. The food was great and so was the wine but the conversation and company was so much better.

Mike and I talked about our families. He told me about his sisters.

“Sarah is the youngest; she’s a sophomore in college. Then there’s me. Claire is next; she lives in D.C with her boyfriend who’s a law student. She’s a pre-school teacher. And Maggie is the oldest. She lives in Massachusetts with her husband, Jamie, and two kids. What about your brother?”

“Oh, his name is Justin. He’s 26. He lives in New York and got back from being deployed this Christmas. He was in the Marine Corps, but he was honorably discharged a few months ago. Now he’s doing the whole actor thing there.”

“That’s cool! Is he doing theatre work or film work?”

“He’ll take anything at this point. He’s had a sort of rough year. His girlfriend broke up with him and he’s been struggling to find work. He’ll pull through, though.”

“What does he think of you working as a stage manager?” Mike asked before taking a bite of ravioli.

“He was surprised when I told him about it. I don’t think he expected me to get back into theatre after college. I was surprised myself, so I imagine he was even more surprised than I was.”

The conversation flowed all throughout dinner, there was never an awkward silence and we shared a dessert: a Neapolitan mousse.

After we left the restaurant, Mike and I headed over to a bar with hot music and cold beers. Mike is a great dancer, a little nerdy, but fun. We danced for an hour before settling down in a booth and having a beer each. It was refreshing after dancing our behinds off. Once we cooled down a bit, it was time for our date to end. Mike walked me to the train platform while holding my hand the whole time. We stood there awkwardly again. It was the only awkward moment of the date and I was disappointed that he was so nervous.

“Well…I had a really great time with you tonight.” I said rubbing his arm.

“I-I’m glad. Do…do you want to do this again sometime?”

“Yes.” I said.

“O-okay.” He said, “Why don’t you call me?”

“Okay.” I said.

Mike’s face was red and he kept looking down to avoid my eyes.

“Well, I…I should go.” He said. He gave me another hug and then left down the stairs back to the street. I leaned against a light pole and sighed. Suddenly I heard clunking on the stairs and turned around.

“Mike? Is everyth-”

“Faith, can I kiss you?”

I was so surprised but happy.

“Yes.” I smiled.

He leaned down and kissed me gently. I put my hand on his cheek and the other on his chest while his hands rested on the small of my back. Before I knew it my train was pulling into the station and we broke apart. I gave him another quick kiss and waved good-bye as the doors closed. Mike had a goofy smile on his face and waved back.

What a great night.

Self-Care

Now that I’ve decided to take some time away from dating and just focus on myself I’ve started a bunch of projects. I bought a gym membership to try and get myself more active, I can’t just sit around eating pizza and watching Project Runway all day after all. I also started a painting project in my room. I’m painting some cherry blossom sprigs on my walls and Molly even helped me make some new curtains for my room. They’re gauzy and really open it up with light.

I’ve also taken an interest in our balcony garden. I repotted some plants into old pots that I re-painted and got rid of a dying and infested spider plant in exchange for a new one. Basically, I’ve been a busy-body and I’m looking into some adult classes I could take at the community center. The hula hopping class I took there was fun but I eventually stopped because there’s just not enough room in city apartments to hula hoop. Maybe I can bring my hoop to the gym and do it there. There are a couple classes that interest me. One is a cooking class and I could seriously use some cooking help, I only know how to prepare a few dishes and mostly rely on microwaveable food or take-out. There’s another one that is a class about changing careers that I think would be practical to take. I can’t be a bartender forever and I certainly don’t want to be one forever so I think that class will give me a nice kick to get back in the game with a career job. The last class is a self-defense class. I’m not sure if I’ll enroll in it or not, I think the fees for the cooking class and career changer class are high enough so I might put that self-defense class on the back-burner for now.

In other news, my brother and Shannon broke up. I don’t know why and I kind of don’t want to. I figure it’s between him and Shannon and if he wants to share then he will. My mom called me with the news to try and get my take on it but I had nothing to say about it, really. I wouldn’t want people poking into my break-ups uninvited so I’m not going to do it to my brother. I guess she moved out and they are totally over. There was a time when they might have gotten back together but it’s Facebook official that they are over so I guess that’s that.

I start volunteering in one a shelter next week and I’m super excited about it. I think with the community center’s classes, my gym membership, work, and volunteering and the shelter, I’m going to be plenty busy and have lots of time to focus on myself. I can’t believe it’s already been two months since the fire. They still haven’t figured out who did it but there haven’t been any other arson cases that seem like the same suspect so I guess that’s a good thing. People were worried about a serial arsonist being on the loose but it doesn’t look like that’s the case, at least not with my building’s fire. I got an e-mail from Randy the other day. He and Teddy ended up moving to Seattle and they’re very happy there. Apparently, his wife’s family is based there and it’s been really good for Teddy to have that connection so I’m happy for them.

Out of the Ashes

I’ve been trying to get back on my feet since the fire. It’s been hard trying to rebuild, especially knowing that I won’t have Murphy with me when I finally do get my life back. Zoey and Wesley have graciously allowed me to stay in their guest room until I’m ready to leave. Anna and Zoey were able to get me some new clothes from work to try and replace some of the great clothes I lost in the fire. Molly has made me a few shirts and dresses, too.

Zoey took me to the store and I bought underwear, socks, and shoes but that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. I called my parents to let them know what happened and that I was okay but that Murphy died. Just typing that out was painful.

I’ve been scouring the city looking for apartments but my heart just isn’t in it. I don’t have to worry about renewing or not renewing my lease now since there is no apartment for me to live in. I have to replace all of my furniture, linens, food, electronics, and it’s incredibly overwhelming. I don’t have a lot in savings because of unemployment so I have no idea what I’m going to do. My parents offered to buy me a bed and have it delivered but I don’t have an address to have it delivered to. My dad also told me that he would give me some money for a down payment on an apartment and groceries, I just have to ask.

Adam (Stormy, this is still weird) called me as soon as he saw the paper the day after the fire.

“Are you okay!?” He practically screamed into the phone.

“I will be.” I said.

We met for lunch and I told him about what happened and about losing Murphy.

“Faith, I’m so sorry. If you need a place to stay or anything, feel free to call me, okay?”

I nodded.

“Where were you when the fire broke out?”

“I was…uh…at work.” I said.

It didn’t feel appropriate to say that I was in the middle of having an orgasm with a guy I work with, especially considering that Adam and I never got together because we worked together.

“You’re lucky you weren’t there and were safe.” He said.

“If I had been there, I might have been able to get Murphy out.” I said, “All I can think about is how scared he must have been; how he must have thought I’d abandoned him…” I started ugly sobbing in the middle of a very public sandwich shoppe.

“Faith…” Adam didn’t know what to say.

“I know I sound stupid crying over my dead cat when 11 of my neighbors are dead. I feel TERRIBLE about how many people died and I feel even worse for feeling so bad about my cat but I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about what he went through in that building. I try to sleep at night and it’s all I can think about it.”

Adam ushered me outside and into a park so people would stop staring.

“They still haven’t caught the person?” He asked after I stopped crying.

“No.”

We talked for a little longer but then said good-bye, when I got back to Zoey’s Molly was there.

“You’re moving in with me.” She said.

“What?” I asked.

“I just kicked my roommate out. You’re living with me.”

I looked at Zoey who had an amused smirk on her face.

“Did you kick them out so I would live with you?” I asked with confusion as I sat down at the table across from her.

“No. He wanted to know if I would be cool with him running a meth lab out of his bedroom. Plus, he would never take out the trash.”

“Is she serious?” I asked Zoey.

She nodded with the same smirk.

“Molly, he didn’t actually start making meth in his room, did he?”

Molly’s smile went away as she thought about it.

“Um, you know I’ll get a cleaning crew in there before you move in, okay?”

“Okay.” I said.

Molly and I discussed rent and utilities payments among other things. She was on her way out when she stopped.

“My landlord allows pets.” She said gently, “In case you were interested in adopting again. And I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“Oh.” I said, I hadn’t thought about it and I’m still not ready to.

I’m going to move in with Molly in about a week. She has to get me added to her lease which will take a few days and her current roommate needs to get his stuff out. Zoey is going to let me stay until I’m ready to move in. I found some bedroom furniture online that I’m going to order when I’m ready for it and because I’m a glutton for punishment I ended up on the cat furniture page and sobbing well past midnight.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.

Home Sweet Home

I flew home for Christmas yesterday and it was a really long flight. I’ve been thinking about my fight with Zoey for days. She won’t return my calls or e-mails, neither will Anna or Molly. I’ve been completely frozen out by my friends. I’m angry at Zoey for telling Anna and Molly my business and I don’t think she had any right to do that. There was a reason I hadn’t told any of them about the things that had been going on and this is why. I knew they wouldn’t support me. I don’t think I’m asking them for much. It’s really none of their business who I choose to involve myself with and it’s certainly not their job to judge me for it.

Being home has been really nice even with all of the bad stuff meddling with my thoughts. I’ve really missed my parents. My brother got home from his tour in Afghanistan a few days ago. We didn’t expect him to be home until April but all of the soldiers in Afghanistan are being pulled out and my brother was one of them. He didn’t tell any of us. He showed up at the house and my mom almost had a stroke. There were lots of tears and happiness and the first thing he ate was a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.

I’ve been thinking about how things were last year. I was really doubting my relationship with Sean and I was so unhappy and here I am a year later, still unhappy and doing whatever it is I’m doing with Sean. At the same time it’s a bittersweet memory because things might have been fixable at that point. I don’t know why I keep holding onto thoughts like that about our relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Sean and after what I just did to Randy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don’t know how my life has turned into what it has. I’m about to be unemployed, my friends have all deserted me, and I’m having sex with someone that I feel constantly confused about. My life is a mess and I have a lot of thinking to do to try and get my act together before I lose everything.

I haven’t heard back from any jobs, meanwhile none of my co-workers are even remotely aware that they are all about to be told they are going to lose their jobs. I’m preparing myself for the fallout that’s sure to come when my work friends find out and feel like I betrayed them. I won’t blame them for feeling that way, either. I would probably feel the same way if it were me. Stormy is the one I’m most worried about since he’s still couch surfing in my apartment (he’s watching Murphy for me while I’m home and I told him he could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch while I’m away). I hope things don’t get super awkward.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

Up to Speed

(Author's note: You have all been SO patient with me so there will be four posts this week. One every day for the rest of the week, excluding the weekend, so check back often! Thanks for bearing with me!)

Molly and I went shopping and I told her all about Anna and the twins.

“Wow! I can’t believe stuff like that still happens!”

“I know!” I said, “I was telling my mom about it and she was surprised, too. My mom is a twin and there weren’t any reliable ultrasounds when she was born so she was a surprise just like Weatherly was.”

“They decided on Weatherly, huh?”

“Yeah. I like it. It’s unique and pretty. Jennifer is also a good name, but it’s pretty common.”

“I like it, too. Are Theo and Anna absolutely exhausted?”

“Oh, of course,” I said trying on a pair neon green heels, “but they’re managing. The gift Zoey arranged with Anna’s work friends is really what’s saving them, I think.”

“That was SUCH a good idea.”

“I know! I think it’ll definitely be something I try to give whenever someone I know is about to have a baby.”

“No more diaper cakes?” Molly joked.

“I don’t think chasing rolled up diapers down a busy street is really my thing.”

I didn’t end up getting the shoes but I did end up getting a nice pair of jeans and some new underwear sets.

“Oh, Sean is going to like that one.” Molly said pointing to a black lace bra I threw over my arm.

“Yeah….”

“How are things going with you two?” She said carefully.

“Uh…well…fine. He’s going on tour soon, though, so that’s sort of the elephant in the room we sort of avoid talking about.”

“Oh. How are you handling his impending departure?” She asked.

“Actually…” I said thinking about it, “I think I’m fine. I think Sean is the one that’s worried. He’s been really busy preparing for the tour so I don’t think he’s been able to really think about his feelings but at the same time he’s being constantly reminded of the tour and the fact that he needs to kind of sort them out before he leaves. I’m used to being away from people I love, I mean my brother has been in Afghanistan for months and my dad was deployed a lot when I was a kid, so this isn’t my first ball game. Plus, Sean will be able to visit sporadically which should help him deal with the distance, I think.”

That’s good! How is your brother doing, Faith?”

We left the store at that point and headed across the street to a sandwich place for some lunch.

“Oh, he’s doing okay. He’s a bit bored, though, as usual. I’ve been sending him regular care packages but the word on the street is that he should be heading out, soon. We’re expecting him home in mid-April sometime. My mom is pretty worried, though.”

“Why?”

“Well, with everything that’s been happening in Egypt and now Libya, we’re not sure if he’s going to be sent there on a humanitarian mission. She’s worried that he’ll come home and then have to leave within days to go somewhere else.”

“But there are minimum time requirements before deployments, aren’t there?”

“Yeah,” I said taking a bite of my sandwich, “but if he came home and then was sent somewhere like Egypt it wouldn’t be considered a deployment, it would be considered a humanitarian mission so the minimum time requirements don’t count.”

“Do you know if that’s likely?”

“I have no idea, my brother says it’s possible but I think the situation in Libya would have to get really bad before we sent in troops. My brother’s specialty is sort of important. Who knows at this point? One thing is for sure, though, this stuff in Libya is going to get worse.”

“Oh, I know, the guy in charge is totally batshit crazy.”

“Molly, you have no idea. We’re publishing a story tomorrow that talks about just how crazy he is. There’s suspected drug use, all sorts of weird statements, and don’t even get me started about his all-female guard that never leaves his side. He’s like a soap opera character.”

“Ew. That sounds so creepy.”

“I know!”

Molly and I finished lunch and continued shopping. She picked up some cute summer dresses and I found a nice pair of wedge sandals and a pleated skirt that will go with some nice work-clothes I’ve got lying around.

Man Rage

I got a phone call from my brother the other day and it wasn’t a happy one. I haven’t heard from him since Christmas because his e-mails have been limited with the whole Wikileaks thing happening so he can’t really e-mail us that much. One thing was clear though, after our conversation: my brother has some serious anger problems. He’s kind of always had anger problems since puberty but they’re escalating and only getting worse. Part of me wondered if Shannon was going to be able to help him with that, but apparently not.

I was surprised that he called me and once we got some small talk out of the way he got into the reason for the phone call.

“Shannon’s pissing me off.”

“Um…okay.”

“She keeps asking me what I’m going to do when I get back after my summer job is done and I don’t want to think about it right now.”

“Well, that’s understandable. Why is she being so insistent?”

“I don’t know but I don’t see the point in making a decision right now because she’s still waiting to hear back from a bunch of places at the end of March. But she keeps sending me applications and audition info. Not only that, but she’s irritated because she has to wait to hear back from all these people for a long time and it’s just annoying.”

I don’t think I’ve ever explained what my brother does when he isn’t in Afghanistan. My brother is an actor and a certified stunt man and Shannon is getting her master’s degree in theatre directing. They met while my brother was in his undergrad, he was cast in a show she was directing and they became friends and shortly before he left for Afghanistan they began dating. Currently, this is my brother’s second longest relationship and it will probably become his longest if they make it a few more months. The applications Shannon is applying for are for a ton of different jobs all over the place.

“So, you don’t want to apply to anything until after Shannon makes a decision on where she’s going to go?”

“Not necessarily. I just don’t want to go to Nepal.”

“I’m sorry?”

“She applied for something in Nepal and I told her I wouldn’t go to Nepal with her and now she’s pissed.”

“Why is she mad? Did she think you actually would go to Nepal?”

“I told her I would move with her and I guess she took it to mean I would move anywhere.”

“So why are you mad that she’s sending you applications and stuff?”

“Because I told her not to and now I’m interested in all of them.”

“I’m really confused. Do you want me to tell Shannon to back off or what do you want me to do? You have a summer job lined up teaching at that summer camp, so I don’t know why Shannon wants you to look for more work. Can’t you just wait until you’re not in a combat zone full time?”

“NO! The deadlines will have passed by then.”

“But you can go on auditions over the summer while teaching. I don’t know why Shannon’s being so pushy about having another job lined up after the teaching one, especially when it’s unclear if she’ll even be around. This is how theatre works, both of you know that. There’s no such thing as a full-time acting job. Why is she demanding that you have everything planned out until next year?”

“Shannon isn’t demanding anything, Faith!”

“Can you calm down please? There’s no need to yell. I don’t know what you want me to do. Do you want me to call her and ask her to back off?”

“Yeah, you know what, I would love for you to call her because Shannon thinks you and mom and dad hate her, so yeah it would be great if you would call her.”

“I don’t want to call her, Justin. I don’t think it’s necessary that I like her, either. What do you want me to do? Hop on a plane just to have coffee with her? She lives like 1,000 miles away from here.”

Then he started yelling and angrily sighing and saying things that didn’t make sense. Eventually he got to this whole moving away from our parents thing:

“Yeah well when I get back I’m going to live in my apartment for a month until my lease is up and then I’m leaving and never coming back.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to move to somewhere where they won’t visit me.”

“Well, with this attitude I don’t see why they would want to.”

“Shut up Faith, you don’t get it.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’m SO over your teenage angst of hating your family.”

He started yelling about things that didn’t make sense and reminded me of an angsty teenager. It was like a wave of incoherent angry thoughts that I just tuned out. His phone connection cut out shortly thereafter and to be honest, I have absolutely NO idea what he’s upset about. I don’t know how much of it is Shannon or just being bored overseas because all he does is work, eta, and sleep, I don’t know if something else is bothering him. All I know is that he’s a very angry person and I’m getting sick and tired of it. I really don’t deserve to be yelled at on the phone all the time for asking even the simplest of questions and neither do my parents.

I just don’t know what his deal is. Part of me wonders if this anti-family view he has is because in high school it was the “in” thing to hate your family amongst his group of friends. I’m starting to think that after awhile he just started to believe the act he was peddling even though it was based on nothing.

Confuzzled

Well, I’m back! The flight back was kind of hard, if I’m being honest. This trip home reminded me of just how much I miss my family and the security they provide me. I really should make a better effort to see them more often. Christmas was really fun. My brother was able to call us and it just happened to be while we were eating Christmas dinner. My dad put the phones on speaker and it was almost like we were having a normal family dinner with the four of us. My brother is doing well, he’s just bored. It sounds really monotonous but I think the Christmas gifts we sent him will help with that. We sent him a few books and a video game for his DS and of course MOUNTAINS of food. Apparently Shannon (yeah, they’re still together) got him a Kindle to read and sent it to him fully loaded with books and plays for him. You all know how I feel about my brother dating her, it seems everything she does annoys the hell out of me, but I’ll just leave it at that.

My parents loved the gifts Sean and I bought them and Sean sent me a text message thanking me for his gifts and to wish me a Merry Christmas. All of his bandmates also sent me thank you texts, except for Gerry. I was surprised that Karen did, considering I’ve never met her, but it was nice all the same. Sean got me a really nice label maker and a purse I’ve had my eye on for awhile. My parents bought me a Kindle and it is AMAZING. I love it. I love it. I love it.

New Year’s passed fairly smoothly. I didn’t have any plans and it was actually really nice. My mom bought me one of those cheesy New Year’s hats and noisemakers which she used to do when I was in high school. My best friend and I would rent a television series and watch it on New Year’s complete with a party tray and the fancy Welch’s grape juice in the bottles. My mom would even let us drink it out of champagne flutes. We did that until we had a falling out our freshman year of college. But then I met Zoey and we made our own traditions that weren’t nearly as PG. Sean sent me a picture to my phone of him kissing Murphy at midnight since he couldn’t kiss me which made me giggle (Sean graciously offered to take care of Murphy while I was away).

I wish I could say I was a little clearer about how I feel about our relationship but the truth is I’m more confused than ever. We both do things, like what he did with the picture and Murphy for New Year’s that make me think we’re cute and couple-y but then when I think about it even more I wonder if we just do them to go through the motions. I don’t know if there’s any substance to them than just being expected and that bothers me. I know sitting here and moaning about this isn’t going to fix the problem but I’m not sure I’m ready to bring it up to Sean yet. I need to understand how I feel before I even make an attempt to tell him. Maybe Dr. Deerhorn will be able to help me. I’m going to see him tomorrow.

Burn

I just got off the phone with my mother. She’s upset that I wasn’t able to come home for Thanksgiving and has demanded that I come home for Christmas…and that I bring Sean. It wouldn’t be my mother though without a huge guilt trip for not telling her about him and having to find out from my brother instead. She’s known since August and has basically been stewing about it ever since. In case I tried to wiggle out of coming home or bringing Sean she bought us both tickets. We leave on the 17^th of December. Joy.

It’s not that I don’t love my parents or that I’m embarrassed of Sean, it’s just that my parents can be overwhelming for people who don’t understand them. It’s even worse on holidays because my mother’s extended family is absolutely crazy and I hate visiting them. Luckily, my dad’s side of the family, which is equally as crazy, doesn’t live anywhere near my parents so I just have to put up with my mother’s side during the holidays. I feel pretty bad about not coming home for Thanksgiving especially since my brother is in Afghanistan, but I simply didn’t have the vacation time to make it to both Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially with the recent couple of days I took off for my concussion. This Christmas is probably going to be even more chaotic than normal because of the fact that my brother won’t be there.

I got off the phone right when Sean walked in the door with a bag of groceries.

“So, it’s official, I’m bringing you home with me for the holidays.” I said going to help him put the groceries away.

“Sweet.” He said opening the pantry to put a bag of pretzels away, “How much do I owe your mom for the ticket?”

“Don’t bother; she won’t take your money anyway.”

“So what should I get your parents for Christmas?” Sean asked.

“Well, they’re kind of hard to buy for.” I said.

“Hmm, I guess we’ll just have to go shopping together. I’m a pro at giving gifts and you can poin out the stuff they might like.”

“Okay.”

“It’s a date, then.” Sean said smiling.

I smiled back and continued putting the groceries away. I think Sean knows that I’m aware of his panic about his situation with Kevin and I’ve been trying to think of a way to help him but I can’t afford to pay for his lawyer fees and mine and I don’t think Sean would let me do that anyway. I feel so stuck and I can’t imagine how Sean is feeling. I’ve heard him talking to Lou on the phone some more and things just seem really dire for him. I tried to breach the subject of Paul.

“So, since we’re leaving on the 17^th do you think you’ll want to do some sort of Christmas thing with your brother?” I said trying to sound nonchalant.

Sean stiffened.

“He’s probably busy.” He said noncommittally.

“You haven’t even checked with him to see what his plans are or if you can hang out with him for the holidays?”

“We don’t really talk, Faith.”

“Oh. Why?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

I was a little stung by how clipped Sean’s answer was but I decided to drop it. We didn’t really talk much for the rest of the night.

Brotherly Love

Sean picked me up from work and we headed to go meet my brother and Shannon for dinner. They were already seated when we arrived and waved us over. We made small talk over what to order and I started asking questions about their day in the city.

“Which museums did you decide on today?”

“We went to the aquarium then to the history museum right next to it. I liked the aquarium more, though.” Shannon said.

“I’ve never been to the aquarium,” I said, “I hear it’s one of the top places to visit here and I’ve always wanted to go, but it’s hard to find time.”

“Well, you know what they say, ‘people who live in tourist areas generally don’t go to see the sites.’ I think that’s really true for New York, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who have lived there their whole lives and haven’t been to the Statue of Liberty.”

Conversation flowed like this throughout dinner and my brother was being much nicer to Sean. I was relieved because I thought his immaturity had passed; as we were wrapping up dinner and finishing off dessert, my brother started in again.

“So Sean…what do you do?” My brother asked with a smirk.

“I’m a musician. I play the guitar in a band.”

My brother scoffed, “I guess not all of us can be selfless and go to war.”

I kicked him under the table.

“The military was never for me, I guess.” Sean tried to give the best answer he could.

“Sean’s band is actually really successful. They have gigs all the time and travel to other places, too.”

At that point I signaled the waiter for our check because this dinner experience had started to go south.

“Sean what kind of music do you guys play?” Shannon asked, trying to change the subject. I had a feeling she was just as embarrassed as I was of my brother’s behavior.

“We play rock music and cover older bands or major hits. I help write the music we don’t cover.”

My brother got in some more rude jabs at Sean before the check came but as we left I told Sean and Shannon to walk to their car so I could talk to my brother alone.

“What the HELL is your problem?”

“Nothing. What? I can’t hate your boyfriends? You hate my girlfriend for no reason.”

“So you just acted like a major ass all night to prove a point? And I don’t hate Shannon, I just don’t think you need to be dating someone as old as she is, someone who’s been divorced, this close to your deployment. I think it’s dangerous.”

“You’re delusional.”

“No I’m not! The last thing I need to think about is if you get a ‘Dear John’ letter from her right before you’re supposed to go out on a mission! You don’t need to be distracted when you’re surrounded by violence and danger. She could get you killed and I will hold her entirely responsible if you don’t come home because of something she did!”

My brother was quiet for a minute and then, “Faith that won’t happen-“

“Fine. Then I’ll make an effort to like her…when you get back.”

“That’s almost a year!”

“Do you have a point? If you have the same girlfriend in a year, it will be the longest relationship you’ve ever had and I think only then should you expect me to make an effort to like your girlfriend. I’ve been dating Sean longer than you and Shannon have been dating and I never asked you to meet him or make an effort to get to like him.”

“I don’t have to like the guy that’s dating my sister, especially when he’s some loser musician.”

“Sean isn’t a loser. He has a job he likes, he’s a happy guy. You don’t even know him!”

“Oh, please Faith, could you have picked a more cliché boyfriend? He’ll only hurt you.”

“You seem pretty sure of that. Just like I’m sure Shannon will hurt you. But there’s a difference between my relationship with Sean and yours with Shannon.”

“Is that so? And what, exactly, would be the difference?”

“I’m in love with him!”

We were both silent. He pulled me in for a hug and we started walking in the direction of the car. It was clear our conversation was over and it was now shifting into the good-bye part. When we got to the car Shannon and Sean were talking and laughing, I smiled automatically at the sight of Sean.

“So we’re going to drive down to your parents’ house tomorrow and stay there until Justin has to leave. I’ll make sure he calls you before that.” Shannon winked at me and then she got in the car.

“I’ll see you later.” My brother said wrapping me in another hug.

“Bye.” I said, the word caught in my throat. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else.

“I love you.” He said when we pulled apart.

I nodded and whispered, “I love you too.”

And with that he got into the driver’s seat and pulled out of the garage. Sean waved as they drove bye while I did my best to try and wave back. As soon as they were out of sight I started crying and Sean pulled me into his chest and started patting my hair. We stood like that for a long time.

Oh Joy

Sean and I were lazily lying around my apartment deciding what we wanted to do that day before we met up with Guy and his girlfriend Kim for dinner later that night. He’d stayed over the night before and we were still in our pajamas debating the merits of going out for brunch or making it in my apartment. There was a knock on my apartment door and we looked at each other.

“Are you expecting someone?”

“No…” I got up and walked to the door.

“…What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Afghanistan!” I said when I opened the door and saw my brother standing in my hallway.

“They keep pushing everything back, I’m supposed to go next month, for real this time. I had some leave so we thought we’d come see you and hang out.”

“We?” I looked around my brother and saw Shannon standing next to him. She waved at me and smiled. GREAT. “No one told me…” I trailed off, a little (okay…very) hurt.

“I wanted to keep it a surprise. Can we come in?”

My eyes got pretty wide then and I stepped outside my apartment into the hallway closing the door so it was barely open. I didn’t want Sean to meet my brother and never like this. My parents have only met one of my boyfriends and it was the guy I dated as a freshman in college. I didn’t want them to meet another one unless I was sure he could handle my mother’s type of crazy. I knew if my brother met Sean my mom would know in less than 24 hours because it would take the heat off of him and Shannon and re-direct it to me.

“Why don’t you guys go to the coffee shop across the street and I’ll meet you there in about 20 minutes?”

“Faith? Is something wrong?” I winced when I heard Sean’s voice coming up behind me.

Sean pulled the door open, took in the situation, and smiled sheepishly.

“Sean, this is my brother, Justin, and his girlfriend Shannon. Guys this is Sean.”

“I’m her boyfriend,” Sean said reaching to shake my brother’s hand. He waved to Shannon.

“Um...we’ll meet you guys at the coffee shop, then?” Shannon said trying to move past the awkwardness of the situation. She was practically pulling my brother, who had a huge grin on his face, down the stairs with her.

“Faith, what’s wrong? Why didn’t you want me to meet your brother…are you ashamed of me?”

“No, Sean…I just don’t really want to talk to my mother about us. She asks too many questions too soon and she’s extremely judgmental. Now that Justin knows I’m sure I’ll be getting a phone call later tonight…he’s probably calling her right now.” I sighed and started banging my head against the door jam.

“Let’s just go get dressed and meet your brother and Shannon, okay? It’s an opportunity to see him before he leaves for Afghanistan for real.”

“How much of our conversation did you hear?”

“All of it…your brother has a pretty loud voice.”

I smiled, he was right. My brother doesn’t understand the concept of volume control sometimes.

We got dressed and met with them across the street where my brother grilled Sean for nearly thirty minutes. By the end of our brunch I was practically screaming in my head.

“What do you guys have planned for today?” I asked trying to change the subject from Sean and what his childhood had been like.

“We were planning on going to a few museums and then..” Shannon trailed off and looked at my brother.

“And then we wanted to have dinner with you. Faith.” His voice implied that he expected only me to be involved in that plan.

“Oh.” I said. Sean and I had made plans with Guy for later that night and I didn’t want to cancel so last minute.

“Where did you guys want to go?” Sean asked, “I know a great place downtown. We could go there.”

After some light discussion, we decided to meet each other there once I got off work and then we said our goodbyes until later that day. On the way to work (Sean walked me there) Sean and I were talking.

“What are you going to tell Guy?”

“Don’t worry…he’ll understand. We can always reschedule with Guy, but your brother is leaving soon, you should spend time with him.”

“I’m sorry he’s being so rude to you. At least I can maintain a level of politeness with his girlfriends.” I said with snobbishness coating my voice.

“Aw, come on…Shannon’s okay.”

I stopped walking and turned to Sean, “She is a 31 year old (a fact I had learned today) divorcee. She is NOT okay for him.” Sean got the hint and didn’t push the issue. He gave me a kiss when I got to work and now I’m on my lunch break. I am SO not looking forward to dinner later tonight.

Let's Address It

I got a phone call from my brother today. When I saw the caller ID I didn’t really want to answer it, but he’s in combat training and I’m not such a bitch that I will refuse a phone call from someone I might not ever see again.

“Hey! I miss you! How are you? How’s the new job?” He was really cheerful and I felt a twinge of guilt for silently being mad about him for the address debacle.

“I miss you too, the new job is pretty sweet. My office is like the Taj Mahal. I have an entire wall of windows.”

“Well you deserve it, anyone who doesn’t hire you are jerks.” I suddenly became suspicious; my brother isn’t the type of person to shower me with compliments.

“What do you want?” I asked incredulously.

“I just have a quick question.”

“Okay….”

“Did you get me that video game and do you like Shannon?”

“One, that was two questions, two I did get you that game but ended up taking it back to the store after I found out that you had an address and hadn’t told any of your family members about it, and three, no I do not like Shannon.” I may have lied a little bit in this part of the conversation….I was going to take the video game back….but I ended up downloading it on to my computer and playing it instead.

“How did you know I had an address?”

“I got an angry, hysterical phone call from mom about it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Do you think she likes the fact that the only way to know anything about your life is by trolling your facebook page? Do you think I like finding out things like this on facebook?”

“Well, dad knew my address.”

“He didn’t tell anyone else, it seems. Is it too much to ask that I be given contact information for my own family members? What’s next? Are you going to change your phone number so I can find that out on facebook too?”

“I think you need to calm down. Shannon and I are dating-“

“She’s almost ten years older than you and yes, I did know that….facebook’s funny like that isn’t it?”

“Well I like her and I want you to like her.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Justin, when she breaks your heart while you’re on your deployment, I’m going to be the one that sends you cookies and tries to make you feel better so you don’t get distracted and end up doing something stupid. She’ll be gone in a few months just like all the others.”

“I appreciate that you don’t want me to get hurt, but it would mean a lot to me if you would try to like her.”

“She talks down to me like a parent, because she’s ten years older than me and thinks she can, she thinks we’re friends, but I was being polite when she talks to me on IM. And she knows how I’ve felt about your girlfriends in the past, she knows I didn’t like them and she knows my opinion isn’t going to change because she’s suddenly the girlfriend.”

“Can you try, at least?”

“What do you want me to do? She’s on the east coast. Fly out there and have a slumber party?”

My brother sighed and I could tell he was struggling to not come off as incredibly angry even though he was.

“Did you really take the game back?”

“…Maybe.”

“When you finish beating it can you send it to me?”

“…fine.”

He had to go shortly after our conversation and I was struck with a wave of guilt. I think I made him feel bad for not wanting to be friends with Shannon but I can’t help the way I feel. This whole situation is weird. My brother has never cared about my opinion when it comes to his girlfriends, I mean, he always knew I didn’t like them. I’ve called them names to their faces, but this was the first time he actually cared about what I thought. I just can’t support my brother being in a relationship with someone almost ten years older than him, who’s already been married, and doesn’t support the fact that he’s in the military.

Ugh! I’m going to play my video game. I’m a cloud of angry guilt feelings right now. By the way, Sean hasn't called me since our experience at the pizza place.

Facebook Fury

When I got home from work after leaving Sean that morning, I was relieved to see that he had left. He also did the dishes and took my trash out (which I absolutely HATE doing, any other chore and I’m good, but for some reason taking the trash out requires me to wait until I absolutely have to take it out) upon further inspection… I saw a note he left on my dining room table:

Faith,
I’ve got to go out of town for a few days for some gigs. I know we need to talk so I’ll stop by your place when I get back.
-Sean

I sighed and kicked my shoes off while I collapsed on my couch. Trying to juggle my job along with the issues with Sean was already enough, but apparently my life wasn’t complicated enough because just then, my phone rang.

“Does your brother have an address?”

“What?” it was my mother, in absolute anger-mode, “I don’t think so, he told me he probably wouldn’t be getting one until he arrived at camp in Afghanistan.”

“Well…go look on his facebook wall.” I rolled my eyes and humored my mother.

There were the obligatory “I miss you” posts from his friends and then I saw it. Shannon, the girl he called instead of his family while he was away over Mother’s Day, and he were now “in a relationship”. My eyes started to go red, but I’ll get to that in a minute. I scrolled up and saw a comment she posted on someone’s wall post about how she could give them my brother’s new address.

“Have you found it yet?”

“Uh, yeah…”

“Did you know he had an address?”

“No…I obviously would have told you if I did. Every time I’ve talked to him I’ve asked if he’s gotten an address yet, he said ‘no’ every single time.”

My mother was distraught and after a few minutes I finally got off the phone. I feel bad for my dad…he’s going to come home to a wife jumping from being extremely livid to hysterically crying…he’ll be okay…probably.

Anyway…I’ve hated every single one of my brother’s girlfriends. Every single one. Not because I feel over protective of my brother or anything, but because I see their cards, I know exactly what they want: every girl that’s been in my brother’s life sees the “status” that he has and date him because they want the status. They don’t realize my brother is a selfish jerk who will be a horrible boyfriend to them. In high school, my brother was hugely popular with every clique you could think of. The goths? Completely friends. The cheerleaders? They idolized him, he was the school mascot and technically on the cheerleading squad, so it was a double bonus for them. The theatre kids? He was one. The band nerds? He was their hero. He was even elected Homecoming King his senior year of high school. For teenage girls in high school, obtaining popularity was THE thing to do and a lot thought they would get it by dating my brother. These girls had a lot of tactics they used for getting him to notice them…the most common being: befriend his little sister, get an invite to their house to hang out with said little sister, and then ignore her completely at said hang out date so they could flirt with her brother in the basement.

High school was not a happy time for me. I was fat, lanky, in the marching band, and all of my friends were using me to get closer to my brother, but I’ve moved on from that. I just wish other girls would move on from that too. Now, my brother is in the military... not just any branch…he’s in The Marines. And I’ll be the first to admit that the Marine Corps dress uniform is pretty goddamn sexy and the status of dating a Marine is something I also know is highly attractive to some women. It’s romantic, sending your Marine off to fight for your freedom, pining over you while he sits in the heat and dirt of a foreign country, maybe even hoping to marry you, I get it. BUT MY BROTHER IS NOT YOUR MARINE IN SHINING ARMOR. He is a jerk, he is flawed, he will treat you like crap, and I will love him and be more supportive of him than any other girl he may have in his life. The girls he has had in his life since high school are no different than the girls he dated in college, it’s just a different type of status now.

This makes me even angrier than the girls in high school. Men in the military need support and women who chase the status that dating a soldier brings aren’t tough enough to cut it. After a few weeks they realize it’s too hard to try and maintain a relationship with someone you might not be able to talk to more than once a month. I know this because I saw my mom be a military wife for more than 20 years and saw so many other military marriages end because the women just get fed up with the lifestyle.

Shannon…now she really pisses me off. First, she’s 7 years older than him. She’s in her 30’s! And from what I can tell, my brother has always known about her feelings for him but never felt the same way for her. My brother isn’t even 25 yet and he’s more immature than a 16 year old, so this relationship is going to crash and burn. She also thought befriending me and chatting me up on Skype and facebook would be a good idea (she did this before their relationship was so appropriately announced on facebook), and to be honest, I liked her. She knows my brother is an asshat and she knows he can be incredibly cruel but she was also his best friend. I knew my brother didn’t want to date her (I might be in my 20’s but that doesn’t mean I’m too old to eavesdrop on a telephone conversation) so I didn’t see her as a threat even though them dating was always something I was suspicious about.

I just didn’t think a 30-year-old woman would try the same tactics that so many other teenage girls tried before.

If I’m being honest, I’m also really hurt that my brother gave his girlfriend of two weeks his address but hasn’t mentioned anything to his family even though I’ve asked him for it several times. I would contact Shannon for it but I don’t want to. If he doesn’t want mail from his family, then it’s not worth my time bothering to send it. Maybe when this girlfriend leaves him he’ll be willing to send me his address. I’m going to take the video game I bought for him back to the store tomorrow after work and eat the cookies right now.

Fireworks

Anna and Theo were having a barbeque at their house for the fourth of July and invited Elise, Zoey, and I to come celebrate.

“Thanks for having us over,” I handed Anna a big basket of strawberries.

“Oh, it’s no big deal. We love having people over.” Anna loves playing the hostess and scurried away to help Elise make margaritas.

Zoey and I surveyed the scene. Theo’s two brothers were hanging around by the grill talking smack about his grilling skills while their girlfriends sat in the shade sipping fruity drinks. A few of Theo’s friends were setting up a volleyball net and digging through a bucket to find a ball to toss around. Zoey and I decided to leave Anna and Elise at the drink station to go make small talk under the shade.

I had a blast at the party and as we were leaving to go watch the fireworks Sean sent me a text asking me to join him. I decided to say good bye and go meet him because I knew I was going to be exhausted after the fireworks show and the place Sean wanted to go was closer to my apartment.

“Hey, hot enough for you?” He smiled as I walked up to him by the train station.

“Tell me about it, I’m so sweaty and gross right now, I just want to watch the fireworks and then take a shower.”

“I see nothing but gorgeousness exude from your skin.” He laughed and then gave me a huge sweaty hug.

“Ewwwww!”

“Relax,” Sean reached into his bag and pulled out a water spritzer, “I’ve got us covered.” He motioned for me to spin around and then sprayed me with the cool water, I was instantly refreshed.

“Much better.” I gave him a kiss.

Sitting on the beach with Sean watching fireworks was extremely romantic even though we were surrounded by a hundred other people. I couldn’t have asked for a better holiday.

When I got home to shower I had a call from my brother.

“Hey! Happy fourth. Did they let you do anything fun today?”

“No, we had to do the PFT today. I did get to go to the beach though. I got slapped in the face with a boogie board. Now I’m heading to Denny’s.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, my pride got hurt more than my face.” He laughed.

We talked for awhile. I told him about adopting Murphy and that our parents decided to go to Vegas for the holiday. My mom saw Cher perform and told me she cried.

“She cries at everything. Remember when she saw Barry Manillow?”
I giggled. It’s true, my mom does cry at every concert she goes to see, it’s like a tradition or something.

When we said our goodbyes I jumped in the shower and then went to bed. It was a pretty fantastic holiday overall, even though it was hotter than I would have preferred.

Home Sweet Home

My brother left today and to be completely honest, I feel extremely guilty from the large amount of relief that came over me. I feel awful but it’s nice to not have to tip-toe around him and his sudden angry outbursts. It makes me feel even worse when I consider that this could have been the last time to see him for months….or forever. I think I might be in denial about the fact that he’s gone. We don’t see each other very often so I think part of me is just believing he’s out living his life working like he was before the deployment because it’s easier for me to deal with.

Anyway, my parents weren’t in the mood to cook dinner so I offered to go and pick us up some food instead. We called in some calzones at a local pizza place and I went to go pick them up. When I walked in to the restaurant I was instantly reminded why I try to avoid coming home and frequenting the local businesses.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! It’s Faith!” Torie, a girl I went to high school with, walked up to me with a cigarette in hand and a noticeably large baby belly (I had to do a double take and hide my shock).

“H-hey.” I said waving at several other former classmates nursing a pitcher of beer in front of a big screen television while their kids ran around the table throwing breadsticks. “How’s it going?”

Torie told me her life story while I waited for the food (they were in a rush and it was going to be about 20 minutes). After high school she got pregnant and married a guy sitting at the table. This was her fifth child (we graduated 6 years ago). She worked at a lingerie store a few blocks away and they were in the middle of her baby shower when I walked into the pizza place. He works as a car mechanic downtown and they live with her parents. When I was finally able to get our food and say goodbye I felt even worse.

Torie was in the top of our class, she got a full ride scholarship to a prestigious school and wanted to be a doctor. She also dated my brother when they were in high school. It annoyed me because she tried to be my friend in order to get close to him and once I realized what was going on he was taking her to prom and out on dates. They didn’t last long and she eventually ended up with her current husband. I think I felt so bad about seeing her because I’m one of the few kids who got out. I don’t come from a small town by any means. I grew up in the suburb of a fairly large city in the Midwest (sort of, we moved around all over, but I spent the most time there and my parents have always owned a home there) but I’m still one of the few people who graduated from school and went on to college out of state. I knew what I wanted when I was in high school and living here and getting married before I was even legally allowed to drink and start a family wasn’t really in my cards. Don’t get me wrong, I think I want to get married and have children but not at 17 (the age I graduated from high school) and not really now, either.

The reason I don’t like seeing people I went to high school with is because I always see so much lost potential in who they wanted to be. Most of them never went to college and don’t like their current jobs; most have already had children or been divorced and it’s hard to not feel lucky when I see what happened to people I used to look up to in high school. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt like my life was heading in a better direction than my former classmates and that makes me feel like an elitist, pretentious, bitch. I can see how happy they are, like Torie who was having such a blast and happy with her life, but it’s painful to know that she had bigger dreams for herself that were never fulfilled.

“Food’s here!” I said walking through the door. My dad was on the phone and my mom shushed me. “What’s going on?” I whispered.

“SHHHHHH.” I rolled my eyes and started setting the table. My dad got off the phone beaming.

“So what’s going on?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve been looking for a new job and I just got hired by a university I’ve been looking at for awhile.”

“He’s making a six-figure salary now.” My mom said, “He had to take a pay cut to work at that other university so your brother and you could go there for free….even though neither of you went there.” She said coldly.

“That’s awesome dad.” I said, “Let’s eat! I’ll go get ice cream later to celebrate.”

My dad isn’t a teacher, he’s more of a budget guy and I’m really happy that he’s been offered such a great job. He was recently looked over at his current place of employment for a promotion (that he seriously deserved) after they lead him on for six months after interviewing him. They gave it to someone who had only been working there for two years and didn’t have any qualifications for the job, instead. I’m glad my dad is getting out of there now, he really deserves it.