Candid

Apparently, I’m making sleeping with Sean a habit. Yes, it happened again (actually a few times since I last posted). Yes, I hate myself for it. No, I don’t know why I’m letting this happen. No, I haven’t told anyone about it.

He called me to see if he could come get the sweater he’d left behind back and I said okay. What I should have done was left it at the front office and had him pick it up there but I didn’t. He came over, we had coffee, he started talking about the tour and Karen and the baby and being a dad, and then it just happened. He’s been coming over off and on for what are essentially booty calls. We aren’t back together again; we’re just both sleeping with each other.

Last night we were laying next to each other and staring at the ceiling. I was overwhelmed with guilt and wasn’t really in the mood to listen to Sean wax nostalgic about our relationship like he usually does afterward.

“I’ve missed you, Faith. I’ve missed THIS.”

“What cheating on your girlfriend?” I said unapologetically.

Sean was quiet for minute; like he was deciding whether to take the fight or not.

“Oh, so I’m cheating on Karen but you’re not cheating on Russell?”

“Randy.”

“Whatever. You don’t get to judge me anymore for cheating on you, Faith, not when you’re doing the same thing.”

“It’s NOT the same.” I said shaking my head and continuing to stare at the ceiling.

“No, you’re right. It’s worse than what I did to you because you keep doing it. I only slept with Karen the one time.”

“Oh, and I can be sure of that? You practically lived with her on a tour bus. How am I supposed to know you weren’t sleeping with her on the side?”

“I’m not getting into this.”

“Fine, are we going to talk about all the other things you never wanted to talk about when we were together? Like Paul?”

“Faith, don’t.”

“You should probably go. Karen will be suspicious. What have you been telling her, anyway, to get time away from her to come over here?”

“Band practice.”

“She probably knows, you know.”

Sean didn’t say anything for awhile.

“You’re right, I should go.”

“Bye.”

He got up, got dressed, and left without another word. As soon as I heard my front door close, I got a text from Randy:

“Are we still on for tomorrow night? The babysitter is going to stay the night ; )”

I replied, “yes” and immediately felt guilty. I know I should tell Randy. I know that I’m cheating on him and it sucks because I know how bad that feels but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried a few times but I can’t bring myself to say the words. Randy seems so happy and content in our relationship right now and I don’t want to be the one that ruins it even though I already have.

Thanksgiving at Zoey’s was fun. She cooked some awesome food, Molly helped, and we had it at Wesley’s new place. I’m pretty sure Zoey and Wesley will end up moving in together pretty soon and it feels bittersweet. I’m happy for Zoey. She deserves to have a great guy but I’m also jealous. Sean and I were going to live together and be happy and it didn’t work out and instead I’m sleeping with my cheating ex-fiancé while I’m dating a great guy. I’m really messed up, guys. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they hate Sean and they don’t think I should be dating Randy, either.

A Very Slow Death

Todd and Tanya are almost ready to launch the online version of our paper. It still has to go through the board and Veronica needs to check it over, but I think it’s great and really innovative and I hope they like it. They were showing me all of the features today in the conference room and I can’t believe how they came up with some of these ideas. There are still some glitches that need to be worked out but I sent Veronica an e-mail letting her know that they’ll be ready to present it to her in a few days. None of the staff were aware that we’ve been planning to make the newspaper digital and after reading my e-mail, Veronica decided it was time to tell them. She sent out a mass e-mail to the staff saying that we were going to have a meeting at 5:00pm before everyone left for the day. Immediately the office was full of gossip, panic, and speculation.

“Faith, you would tell us if we’re about to be fired, right?” Suzy asked me during lunch.

“You know what this is about, don’t you?” Dina asked.

“Do Tanya and Todd have anything to do with this? Are they going to replace me and Rose!?” Steve asked.

“Are we going to have to cut half the staff?” Stormy asked.

I didn’t know who to answer first.

“Suzy, Stormy you both know I can’t talk about anything regarding the firing of employees. Steve, Tanya and Todd are not a concern to any jobs here. Dina, I do know but it’s best if Veronica explains it. All four of you should calm down. It’s a good announcement, not a bad one.”

They didn’t seem convinced and kept looking at me with sad, inquisitive eyes until we finished eating lunch and got back to work. When it was time for the meeting, Veronica was a little late and the air was tense. Everyone was sitting at their desks and turned to her when she rounded the corner of the hallway leading to her office with Todd and Tanya at her side. She didn’t beat around the bush and started speaking.

“I’ve asked you all here today because I have a big announcement. We’re going digital. Our paper will no longer be produced on paper, or at least that’s where the future is headed. We hired Tanya and Todd awhile ago, as some of you have noticed, and since then they have been working on an entirely new subscription-based website that we will be launching within the next few weeks. Our goal is to stop printing completely by October. Todd and Tanya have made us a website unlike any others I have seen. People can subscribe on a month-to-month basis or by a yearly basis. They can buy apps in addition to their subscription that will give them the opportunity to have 24/7 news available on their phones. Submitting your articles on deadline will be easier than ever before and that’s why we are going to use our staff as beta-testers for the website when it has gotten approval from our board of investors. We’re going to begin offering digital advertising to the advertisers we currently have and also offering deals to advertisers who are not already partners with us. This will give us a much wider audience and I’m proud of what Todd and Tanya have been able to create. I think you all will be, too.”

And with that Veronica left while Todd and Tanya took questions and explained their ideas to the staff. I gauged the reactions. Some people were confused, others were relieved, but I think the majority of people are wary about this new approach to news coverage. I think they’ll warm up to the idea with time, though. Once all questions had been answered people began packing up their things to leave, including myself. Stormy knocked on my office door as I gathered my stuff.

“Hey.” I smiled.

“What does this all mean?” He asked incredulously.

“We’re moving into the digital age, Stormy, print is dying. We need to make the paper more accessible to more people. We’re just taking the next step to do that. Why do you seem so worried?”

“Because this is just the first sign that something is wrong,” He closed the door to my office, “Faith, is the paper going under? I need to know!”

“Stormy, the paper is fine right now,” I lied, “but the climate for printed newspapers is a volatile one. Look at this as an insurance policy, not a stamp of death.”

He seemed more comforted by that idea but I felt bad that I had to lie to him. I feel bad that I can’t tell everyone that they might want to start looking for jobs but that might just cause unnecessary panic, anyway. The paper might NOT go under; this website might just save us.

I walked home thinking about how scared my friends are about losing their jobs and I don’t blame them. Not having a job IS scary and the newspaper industry seems to let people go so quickly at the first sign of trouble. I wearily opened my apartment door and instantly cheered up.

“Hey! This is a nice surprise!” I said seeing Sean sitting in one of my living room chairs, “You just left, are you back for a break with the band?”

Sean’s eyes were puffy and he stood up and took my hand.

“You should sit down.” He said hoarsely.

“What happened!? Are you okay? Are the guys okay? Did something happen with the tour?” I asked in a panic as I slowly lowered myself in a chair across from him.

“Everyone is fine. I just need to tell you something.”

“Okay.” I said. I felt like I had been drenched in sickening fear.

“Karen is pregnant.”

My whole body felt like lead. I closed my eyes and slowly laid my head on the back of the chair before letting out a harsh laugh and looking at Sean.

“Oh, we are SO over. Get out.”

(Just a reminder: there won't be a post on Monday because it's Labor Day. Have a great long weekend, readers! -del)

Trying

Sean got home last night. He’s going to be here for a week (he leaves right after our counseling appointment). He got in at around 11 at night. I was laying in bed watching television in my pajamas with Murphy snuggled up next to me.

“Hey.” He said standing in my doorway.

“Hi.” I said not looking away from the television.

He put his stuff down in the living room and then made a sandwich in the kitchen. After awhile he finished eating it and then stood in my doorway.

“Faith, can I grab a blanket and a pillow?”

“Okay.” I said and shut the television off.

He slid open my closet and grabbed a light blanket and then took a pillow off of my bed before going back to the living room. I turned the light off in my bedroom and watched the shadows from the living room play on my wall. He’d changed into his pajamas and made a bed up on the couch before shutting the light off and shoving my bedroom into total darkness. I could hear Sean breathing and Murphy’s purring and nearly forgot about the state of our relationship for a few minutes.

“Sean?” I sighed.

“Yeah?”

“You might as well just sleep in here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really, but I guess I should make the effort.” I was surprised at how mean I had sounded.

Sean brought the pillow and blanket back into my room and laid down next to me. Both of us were on our backs, staring at the ceiling. I heard Zoey’s suggestion to tell Sean how I feel echoing in my head and decided to try it.

“I’m really angry with you.” I said after about 5 minutes of silence.

“You should be.”

“I’m being so mean to you.”

“I deserve it.”

“I don’t know how to stop.”

“That’s understandable.”

I sighed sadly and continued staring at the ceiling until a flurry of anger hit me like a train.

“Do you have any idea just how much you’ve hurt me?” I crossed my arms.
Sean didn’t answer so I continued.

“I think that I could have gotten past this much easier had you slept with Karen because you were sad or upset but you didn’t. You told me you slept with her just to hurt me. Well you did and now I don’t know what to do or how to heal from this. If we go down, Sean, it’s because of you and your actions. And so help me if you ever sleep with her or another person outside of our relationship again, I swear to-”

“I’m not going to, Faith. I wish I could communicate to you how much I regret what I did. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough to fix it. I know that. It’s okay that you hate me; I hate me, too.”

I went to say something but stopped myself and let Sean’s words sink in.

“I don’t hate you. Or…at least I don’t think I do.”

“But you don’t love me anymore.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“I don’t really know how I feel right now, Sean. Sometimes I love you and other times I’m so angry with you that my muscles tense up. Occasionally I feel numb to our entire relationship while, still, during other times I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t breathe.”

We laid there, staring at the ceiling in silence. Sean didn’t know what to say and neither did I.

After another long pause I gave in to the doubt regarding Karen my friends had put there, “You’re going to be alone with her on the road.”

“I know.”

“How can I be sure it won’t happen again if we get into a fight or have a hard time at the counselor’s?”

“It won’t happen again.”

“How can I trust you to not sleep with her or a fan or another crew member?”

“Faith, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I am NEVER going to jeopardize our relationship EVER again. It was a stupid, stupid mistake and bad judgment and I would rather die than hurt you the way I have by sleeping with her again or anyone else, for that matter.”

“It’s going to be a long road to me trusting you again.”

“I know.”

We continued staring at the ceiling in silence. After awhile he spoke.

“I’d take it back in a heartbeat.”

“I know.”

“I love you and I’d marry you tomorrow if you’d have me.”

“I know.”

“I’d love Murphy as my own.” He said. I could hear the nervous humor in his voice.

“You already do.” I laughed gently.

I moved my hand from my torso and inched it closer to Sean’s, which was laying next to him on the mattress, until our pinkies touched. He turned his over and I intertwined my fingers with his. We looked at each other for the first time since he got home. Then he lifted our hands and kissed mine before putting it back down on the mattress. I smiled sadly and fell asleep shortly after.

Haters

I feel like I haven’t seen Anna in ages so I went to her house for lunch and some twin-time earlier today. Weatherly was laying on a padded blanket kicking at a little mobile toy with soft animals hanging from it while Anna nursed Andrew on the couch. I was moving the mobile while Weatherly happily kicked and laughed.

“On your anniversary?” She said shocked.

“Yep.” I said.

I had barely talked to Anna since Sean told me that he cheated, so I was recapping it all for her. She already knew the majority of the details from Zoey, but wanted to hear it from me.

“With the tour manager?”

“Yeah.”

“And he’s going to continue with the tour?”

“Yeah, but he has to come back every two weeks so we can see a relationship therapist that Dr. Sheehan recommended.”

“And you’re…okay with him being on tour with her?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m ‘okay with it’ I just don’t really have any beef with Karen.”

“But how can you say that, Faith? She slept with YOUR fiancé.”

“Like I told Molly and Zoey, I’m not in a relationship with Karen. I don’t expect her to make sure Sean doesn’t cheat on me with any groupies. It’s not her job to make sure Sean acts like a decent person on tour. That’s Sean’s job. And he’s the one I’m in a relationship with.”

“But she knew you guys were engaged. Surely you hold her a little responsible!” Anna said raising her voice but making it sound happy so Andrew didn’t become alarmed.

“Well, if I think back to the fight Sean and I had on our anniversary he basically dumped me, so for all I know she thought we weren’t together. For all I know Sean probably got back to the buses completely pissed off and unloaded on Karen and told her that he was done with me before they had sex.”

“Well, if you’re going to use that logic, then he didn’t really cheat on you.” Anna said flatly.

I glared at her.

“Yes, he did. He really only fake-dumped me because he was mad. He didn’t actually dump me and Sean knows that but I’m sure that whatever he told Karen made it sound like we were over even if he knew deep down that he only fake-dumped me.”

“But-”

“Anna, Karen isn’t the issue here. He could have cheated on me with anyone and it wouldn’t have been any different. The only person to blame for what happened is Sean and his behavior is the only thing I’m concerned about. I don’t like defending Karen and the choices she made but you just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“I’ve been Karen.”

“Faith, you are not some slut who preys on another woman’s fiancé.”

“I’m sure Hannah would disagree.”

Anna didn’t say anything.

“You don’t get it. When I was with Kevin, the only side of the story I was getting was his. I believed him when he said that they were through. I believed him when he told me that she was crazy and too attached to him. I believed every single word of it. And it was ALL lies. I was Karen.”

“But that was different.”

“No, it wasn’t. I was more willing to believe Kevin because I wanted to be with him but I can see how finding Sean as upset as he was would be enough evidence to convince Karen that we weren’t together anymore. Even though Sean may have felt that way because anger was making him want to believe I’d hurt him and we were through, he didn’t feel that we had broken up when we reconciled. And if we had been broken up, Sean would not have had any obligation to tell me what happened, but he did, which tells me that even if he told Karen that he was done with me in anger, he didn’t truly believe it once he got some clarity back the next morning. But by that point the damage was done.”

“But how do you know Karen didn’t come on to him after seeing how upset he was?”

“I don’t but I also don’t think that’s what happened. You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective, Anna. You’re looking at it from the view that Karen knew exactly what she was doing.”

“Yeah, cause she did.”

“I disagree. You’re making it completely black and white. You don’t know the whole story.”

“So tell me.”

“I think Karen comforted Sean that night because they are friends. You don’t work with someone and hear about their life and end up being completely ambivalent to each other. You don’t spend months on a tour bus together without developing some kind of working friendship. Sean has that with his band buddies and other crew members, Karen wouldn’t be any different. I think Karen wanted to comfort her colleague, not bed him. When I comfort you I’m not trying to sleep with you; I just want to help you talk about whatever is bothering you.”

“Okay…” Anna said trying to follow my logic.

“I think Karen has been trying to get over the break-up with her boyfriend and seeing Sean upset and trying to comfort him made those feelings of being dumped and practically thrown out of her shared apartment come back and she wanted a distraction from those feelings; so Sean used her to hurt me and Karen used Sean to make herself feel desirable again because she thought we were over. I totally get it and I don’t blame her. At all. Being mad at her isn’t going to fix anything; the only thing it’s going to do is direct my attention away from Sean’s behavior when all of my attention should be focused on it.”

“And yet, they still work together. They still travel together and they practically live together and you’re saying you don’t care.”

“It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I felt absolutely disgusted with myself when I realized that I had been dating someone who hadn’t actually broken up with their fiancé and I’m sure Karen feels exactly like I did, so I’m sure she won’t sleep with him again as long as we’re still together. Or, look at it this way: I have bigger problems than Karen on my plate right now.”

Anna shrugged but didn’t say anything. I went back to playing with Weatherly while she finished nursing Andrew. A few minutes later, Theo came home and I decided to leave.

I’ve been thinking about the conversations I’ve had about Karen with my friends and, honestly, what they’re saying is making it harder for me to get into the right frame of mind to focus on the relationship I have with Sean (not to mention that it’s bringing up residual guilt because I was unknowingly having an affair with an engaged man just like Karen probably did). The only thing these conversations have done is put doubt into how I feel about Karen; like there’s something wrong with me simply because I don’t blame her. I’m tired of being told to hate another woman who basically made the same mistake that I did in a previous relationship and it makes me wonder if my friends, deep down, think I’m just as evil or slutty or predatory like they think Karen is.

What it all boils down to, though, is this: I think blaming Karen would be the easy way of dealing with my relationship problems.
I t would be SO easy for me to throw my hands up and just say, “Well, Karen is just a manipulative whore who screwed my fiancée and ruined my perfect relationship and I’m going to claw her eyes out and that will make me feel better!” But that gives Sean a pass for cheating, in a way, because then it’s all Karen’s fault and it also implies that Sean can’t control himself while in the presence of other women. I might be mad at Sean, but he deserves more credit than that and shouldn’t be reduced to a walking penis. Holding Sean accountable for his actions is, ultimately, the only way that I can foresee myself getting through this because if I did blame Karen and I took the easy route I would never feel secure in a relationship ever again, even with the help of a relationship counselor. I recognize that the cheating wasn’t just an event that happened, it’s a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship I have with Sean: the fact that HE doesn’t want to trust ME. And THAT is what I need to focus my attention on. I can give Sean the chance to rebuild the trust he shattered but it’ll be a waste of our time if we don’t fix the problems in the foundation of our relationship and I think that’s what Anna, Molly, and Zoey just aren’t understanding.

If I allow myself to vilify Karen, it’s going to give me an excuse to live in denial about the serious problems in my relationship and I refuse to live in denial about them anymore, so that means I don’t get to take the easy route and blame her for the downfall of my relationship. The blame for that goes strictly to me Sean and me.


(I thought I'd post Monday's post early because I just got caught up on Bedroom Blog and feel bad that the only thing you guys have been able to read for the past two weeks are gross posts about K's pubic hair and the only way to comment on them is to have it show up on your Facebook accounts. So, no post on Monday because this is Monday's post! Enjoy! -del)

First Kiss

I found myself sitting in the waiting room of the relationship counselor’s office waiting for Sean. His plane was delayed and he sent me a text saying he might be a few minutes late to our first session. I was irritated and kept wiggling my foot and looking at the clock. Mike, our counselor recommended by Dr. Sheehan, called me into his office after a few more minutes of waiting. Mike has cropped black hair and a meticulously manicured beard. He wears dark-framed, thick glasses and was wearing and brown suit.
I apologized for Sean’s lateness as I sat down in his office and explained the situation.
“That’s not a problem. Why don’t you explain why you guys are here today.” Mike prompted.
“Well,” I said trying to think of the best way to phrase everything, “Sean and I got engaged shortly before he left for tour, he’s a musician, and we’ve been having tension for a long time. I recently found out that he slept with his tour manager on our anniversary after a fight between us and after a lot of thinking about it I decided to stay with him and try to fix our relationship. So that’s where we’re at right now.”
Just then Sean came into Mike’s office apologizing profusely and sat in the chair next to mine. He was panting as if he’d ran here. The tension between him and I when he entered the room was still apparent, though (this was the first time seeing each other since we’d met in the park).
“Faith was just telling me what brought you guys here.” Mike explained calmly to Sean.
Sean gave me a sideways glance as if to gauge my mood.
“I’m sensing some tension.” Mike said.
I almost burst out laughing. That was an understatement, for sure. I hadn’t looked at Sean once since he’d come in. Neither of us said anything. I looked down at my nails; the long silence was very loud. Eventually Sean cleared his throat and spoke up.
“We haven’t seen each other since we last discussed my….”
“Infidelity.” Mike stated.
“Yeah.” Sean said.
I smirked on the inside. I liked that Mark was being direct about Sean’s actions.
“Sean you seem uncomfortable discussing this.” Mike never seems to ask questions; he makes comments, really.
“Well, I am.” Sean said.
“Is there a reason?” Mike asked.
“It’s a sensitive topic.” Sean chanced a look at me. I was still looking at my nails. “I don’t want to make anything worse.”
“Avoiding a candid discussion about this isn’t going to help either of you. Sean, you were unfaithful in your relationship with Faith. It happened. Let’s acknowledge it. Acknowledging what happened is the only way either of you will ever be able to move on from this.”
“Okay.” Sean said.
“Now, our time is almost up for today so-”
“What? We’ve barely just started talking.” I said looking up from my nails.
“We started rather late.” Mike said matter-of-factly.
I glared at Sean. It was the first time I looked at him during the appointment.
“Faith, you seem upset.”
“That’s because I am. I went to the trouble of setting up this appointment and Sean can’t even get here on time.” I said crossing my arms and looking out the window.
“My plane was late; I got here as fast as I could, Faith.”
“We can’t come here every week so it annoys me that you were late, especially since this is our first appointment and it’s going to last for less than 20 minutes because of you. If this becomes a habit, I don’t-”
“It won’t become a habit. I’ll just have to plan better.”
Sean and I were both looking at each other for the first time during our appointment. Mike cocked his head before deciding to move on.
“So, your homework for the next session is to have sex.”
Sean and I both looked at Mike with wide eyes full of confusion.
“Excuse me?” I said.
“What?” Sean said at the same time.
“I think that you two need to start building up the level of intimacy you have lost not just with Sean’s infidelity but with the tour, as well. Having sex will increase the intimacy the two of you will have and that can help repair the trust that was broken.”
“I fail to see how that will help. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him right now.”
“You’ve gotta bite the bullet at some point, Faith. Here’s the problem: Until the intimacy is reinstated and the trust at least has a foundation to be rebuilt on, then you may never want to have sex with Sean again. But you aren’t going to get that intimacy back with just talking to each other considering how much Sean will be away from you and touring. You need to have sex in order to kick start your relationship back into gear. We can try getting the intimacy back with talking and bonding sessions but because of your situation with touring, I’m going to be blunt: you’re just going to end up wasting your time here. It won’t work. So you need to have sex.”
Sean and I gaped at Mike.
“That’s going to be the worst sex, ever.” Sean said.
I nodded.
“Neither one of us is going to enjoy it. I obviously don’t want to and Sean knows that, how are we supposed to have sex knowing how the other one feels about it?”
“Well, I don’t recommend that you have sex immediately,” Mike said, “You just need to before we have our next session. You’re going to have to talk to each other and bond a little in order to make the sex more bearable. I don’t expect you guys to have the same sex you had prior to Sean’s infidelity but the talking and bonding will help you avoid having hate sex, for example.”
Sean and I were speechless.
Mike herded us out of his office, I paid his secretary, and then Sean and I left the building together. We stood in front of the main entrance doors to Mike’s office building looking at each other for a few moments.
“I’ve gotta go to the airport in about an hour and a half for check-in.” Sean said, “Do you want to grab something to eat?”
“No, I ate before I came here,” I said. It was true. I’m not sure I would have gone with Sean even if it hadn't been true.
“Um. So I’m going to go, then. I’m sorry for being late. It won’t happen again.” Sean said.
“Okay.” I said turning to go.
“Faith?” I turned back around, “Can I give you a kiss good bye?”
I considered this. My first instinct was to say ‘no’ but then I thought about our therapy session and the fact that I was at least going to have to try to make this relationship work.
“Okay.” I said.
Sean leaned in and we kissed. It was kind of awkward because it was sort of a peck but then not; but then it wasn’t very passionate. It was like the first kiss you have in junior high where you bang your heads together and then get out of sync and you just stand there with your mouths pressed together really tightly while not touching each other and wondering where to put your hands. I’ve definitely had better ones. I probably would have laughed if it had been under different circumstances.

Departure

I woke up early the day of my flight bursting with excitement. I packed my suitcase and brought it with me to work because I was going straight to the airport afterward. I got to the airport fairly quickly, checked-in, and then waited. My flight was about 4 hours and it was okay; we only had a little bit of turbulence. When I got to the airport I saw a guy standing near the baggage claim area with my name on a piece of paper. Karen had sent a limo to pick me up and a wonderful girl named Tracy.

Tracy is a production assistant for the lighting chief on the tour. The band was in rehearsal and the light crew had wrapped for the day (there wasn’t a concert later that night, but the next night) so Karen had sent Tracy to escort me from the airport to the buses and to keep me company until Sean got back. Tracy is cool. Her arms have colorful tattoos on them but she wears nerdy glasses and has raven-black hair with a streak of red in it. I liked her almost immediately. When we got in the limo she gave me the rundown of the band’s schedule.

“So the guys probably won’t be back until ten. He has no idea you’re here. Do you want me to ask the driver to stop and get you some food; you’re going to be waiting on the bus for awhile.”

“Sure.” I said, “Anything is fine.”

The driver parked at a fast food place and we both got out.

“I’m sorry,” I said embarrassedly, “I’m sure you have more important things to do than come and get me, but I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t worry about it. I volunteered to come.”

“What? Why?” I giggled as I stood in line to order.

“Because the way Sean talks about you, I knew I just HAD to meet you and this was the only way to guarantee that I would!”

We got our food and ate it in the limo. Tracy has a great sense of humor and she told me a little but about the tour and what she does. It was clear by the way she talked about it that she really loves her job. I wish I loved my job as much as Tracy does.

“So once you surprise Sean, we’re going to send you to your hotel in the limo. Tomorrow you guys will be able to go and do whatever you want with the limo as long as Sean is back at the concert venue by 6:00 for the sound check. We’ll probably set you up in the bus and then let you watch the concert from backstage and after that you can hit the after party, meet some fans, or just go back to the hotel. The next morning the limo will drop Sean off at the buses and then take you to the airport. Does that sound like a plan?” She asked.

“It sounds awesome. I’m really excited to see Sean perform for such a big crowd. I’ve never seen him in a concert this big before and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to see him perform at all, so it’s really awesome that you guys are letting me watch backstage.”

“Oh, I forgot,” she said handing me a card, “This has a phone number for a cab company. The limo won’t be available after two and before 7:30 AM so this is the number of a cab company that runs 24 hours.”

“Thanks.”

“So…I want to see the ring!” She said.

“Oh,” I blushed and stuck my hand out for her to look.

“Sean has nice taste.” She said looking impressed, “Have you started planning at all?”

“Not really. I’ve looked at a few magazines but we haven’t set a date yet and don’t plan to for awhile.”

We talked like this for the next 30 minutes until we arrived at the bus location. I left my luggage in the limo since we would be taking it to the hotel but I grabbed my purse and Sean’s new laptop before following Tracy to Sean’s bus. I put the new laptop on his bunk and then tried to find a place to hide. Tracy suggested I just sit with the new laptop in his bunk and then we worked out a plan. Tracy would tell Sean that I mailed him his laptop and it was laying on his bunk and then I’d surprise him when he pulled back the curtains. It was a simple plan but a fun one. I had an hour to kill until Sean and the rest were expected back so Tracy and I watched television in the back of the bus.

When we heard car doors slam outside the bus, it was show time. I crawled into Sean’s bunk and laid on my side with his laptop in front of me. I heard voices getting louder and Tracy made sure the curtain was completely closed before they walked through the door. I recognized the voices after a few words. Sean was with Jake and Eddie.

“Hey, Sean, your fiancée sent your new computer to you. I put it on your bunk.” Tracy said.

“Aw, sweet. Thanks Trace.”

“Good now you don’t have to use mine.” Jake teased.

I heard Sean’s footsteps getting closer and held my breath. He pulled back the curtain and I smiled at him.

“What are you doing here?! Oh my God!” He cried. He practically jumped on top of me and started kissing me. Jake and Eddie came over to see what the commotion was.

“Faith?” Jake said.

We all had a happy reunion and I told Sean how Karen helped me arrange it all and that I had booked us a hotel. He was so excited. He started packing and was ready to go in five minutes. We said our good byes to everyone and then walked over to the limo before heading to the hotel. Things got hot and heavy almost as soon as the limo door closed. Sean was all over me and he looked so hot. His dark hair was tousled and sexy and he couldn’t stop smiling. It was almost like the incident at my job had never happened. We barely checked-in and made it to our room before Sean had my clothes off.

What followed was some really hot sex; quick and dirty, followed by some cuddling. The cuddling turned into the most connected and intimate sex I’ve ever had with another person. There was all sorts of eye contact and whispered I love yous. It was the kind of sex you only want to have with someone you love where there’s no insecurity and you don’t want to be anywhere else but with that person in that moment. When we were done, Sean started crying. I’d never had that happen before and I assumed he had been just as affected by the sex we had just had because even I got teary-eyed during it. He sat on the side of the bed and cried and I put my arms around him from behind.

“It was really special for me, too. I love you so much and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

Sean let out a sob that racked his whole body. I rubbed his shoulders and back and I kissed his shoulder before giving him another hug.

“Sean it’s okay.” I whispered into his hair.

“No, Faith, it’s not.”

My hands went limp on his back and concern came over me.

“What do you mean?” I asked pulling away from him and looking at the back of his head. He turned to look at me with immense pain on his face.

“Faith…I slept with someone else.”

The Countdown Begins!

Sean is going to have conference calls with Dr. Deerhorn three times a week. He started them a few days ago and he is SO much happier. It’s honestly like night and day, guys. I think his tour mates are also a little thankful, too. I know I would be if I were in their shoes. I’ve been super busy, lately. I had to take Murphy to the vet for his annual check-up amidst one of my busiest weeks at work. I’ve finished all of my “just in case” severance packages for all our employees and our very first employee reviews were due this week. We asked all the writers to turn in evaluations of their peers and Veronica’s assistants were required to turn in their overall performance evaluations of everyone since Veronica is waaaay too busy to do them herself (she doesn’t work as closely with the staff anyway so it’s not that big of a deal).

Veronica was able to get the investors on board with the digital reboot of the paper but they are too skeptical to want it to expand to the station so the paper is going to be the guinea pig and if it does well, they’ll consider boosting the digital reboot to the station, as well. We were given extra funds to hire two web developers/designers to get it started so amongst employee evaluations, severance package overviews, and a trip to the vet, I’ve been conducting interviews. I think I’ve found the two I want to hire but I have three more people coming in soon and one of them seems very promising. Steve is the only person besides Veronica who knows that we’re doing a digital launch of the paper but he doesn’t know the reason why, which I think is a good thing considering that he has the tendency to gossip and a mass firing of everyone would definitely spread like wild fire.

Zoey and Wesley went to Hawaii for a vacation. They get back tomorrow and Zoey has been sending me pictures of all the things they’ve been doing. They went scuba diving and surfing their first day there and then lazed about the second day. The third day they went hiking up to a volcano and took some seriously stunning photos of the view from the top. I don’t know what they’ve done today but I kind of miss her. I’m glad that she’s having such a fun vacation but I really do miss her. Meanwhile, Molly has gone on several dates with Calvin and I think they’re going to be exclusive soon. They haven’t had the talk, yet, but Molly seems hopeful. She also recently went on a slew of auditions and landed a great part in a small show. I can’t wait to be there opening night with flowers. I’m so happy for her.

Anna is doing well with the twins. She occasionally sends me updates on them and how much they are growing. I sent her a birthday card for her 25^th birthday with a gift certificate in it to her favorite restaurant and a silly little coupon for a free round of babysitting from me so she can actually use said gift certificate since the restaurant is pretty nice and not baby or kid-friendly.

I’m counting down until I can surprise Sean, especially since he’s been so much happier. I’m glad I didn’t cancel my trip because after this busy, busy week, I’m going to want that mini-vacation more than anything!

E-Mails and Paperwork and Contracts, Oh My!

I’ve been thinking about this whole Sean situation and what would be best for him and decided that going to visit him would be a big step in the right direction to make him feel a little more comfortable so I e-mailed Karen:

Karen,

I was wondering if it would be possible to come see Sean on the road. Since you have access to his schedule, do you think you could help me figure out when the best time would be to come visit him? I’d like to make a hotel reservation in the area whenever you decide would be a good time. Also, I think I want this to be a surprise, so don’t tell Sean about it.

-Faith

Right after I hit send Stormy and Rose walked into my office.

“We need to sign some forms disclosing our relationship…again.” Rose said as they sat down in the chairs across from my desk.

“Oh. Okay.” I said walking over to my file cabinet.

Once I got all the forms filled out Rose and Stormy got up to leave but I asked Stormy to say so we could discuss something. Once the door was closed and we were alone I started in.

“You cannot tell Rose about the meeting with Veronica.”

“What? Why?” Stormy asked.

“Because Veronica thinks I’m the only one who is going to be there and if Rose mentions that you’ll be there, too, all of the time and energy we put into tracking Veronica down could go out the window. I don’t want that to happen, do you?”

“Well, no-”

“Good. Are you ready for this meeting? It’s coming up. Have you thought about what you’d like to negotiate your contract for with the station? I’s doubtful they’ll let you out entirely.”

“Honestly, not really. I’ve been so excited that I’m going to have my life back that I’ve been doing other things…”

“Like getting back together with all the women in the office again?” I asked with a smirk.

“No, just Rose. This whole experience has really opened my eyes and made me grow up quite a bit. I’m tired of working nearly 100 hour work weeks, but this experience has at least helped me realize what I really want to do with my career and made me realize how awful I was before. Rose put up with more than she deserved and I realized, later than I should have, how special she is. So, for now, it’s just her.”

“Okay, good, the last thing we need is you pissing her off and then having her spoil all the plans I made with Veronica out of spite.”

“Fair enough.”

“So the only thing I need you to do before the meeting is to think about how you’d like to renegotiate your contract. I made a copy for you so you can bring it to a lawyer or an agent have it looked over if you want to.” I said as I handed it to him, “But please make sure that you have a clear cut list of what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. You should probably make a list of things you are willing to compromise on for your writing job, as well. I’m sure there will need to be a lot of compromises on both sides.”

“Okay, I will.” He said as he left.

I leaned back in my chair and looked out of the window when he closed the door. I’m going to have a weight lifted off of me once this is debacle is over. The only problem now is to figure out a strategy for this meeting and preparing for the inevitable backlash that I’m going to get from Veronica for doing such a shady thing. I am prepared to defend myself in that regard but I have no plan whatsoever for handling the actual meeting. I need to get on that.

All Aboard!

Sean’s mini-vacation from the tour was uneventful and he really enjoyed being able to just relax and not have to worry about playing a show or rehearsing or being walked in on while trying to have some intimate time with his girlfriend (except by his girlfriend’s cat, who recently learned how to open doors). He left this morning and it was really hard for both of us. He was home almost too long because it felt like he’d never left and we got back into our old routine. Before he left though, we had a small fight. I went to drop Sean off at where the tour bus would be picking everyone up so I could say good bye. I said hello to everyone while we waited.

“Faith, the girls are looking good today.” Jake said as a greeting. I giggled and gave him a hug. We made small talk until the buses (yes plural!) pulled up.

“Oh, cool! They got us another bus!” Sean said. He and the guys high-fived (and I’m pretty sure Karen looked up to the sky and mouthed the words “Thank you”).

“Looks like everything but that last issue you were having has been fixed.” I said smiling at Sean.

There are actually four buses. Two for the band and a few crew members and two for the rest of the crew (plus the bus drivers that drive them). There’s also three giant equipment trucks and a smaller one just for the instruments. I guess I never realized just how big of a deal the tour was until I saw everything. Sean took me into the old bus and it was huge. I’ve never been inside a tour bus before. He showed me where he sleeps. It’s literally like a cubby hole with a mattress in it and there are three stacked on top of each other like bunk beds. You can close a thing of curtains for privacy and there’s a personal light in each one. The back has a television in it and a bunch of couches and there’s a small kitchen and a bathroom. We got out of the old bus and Sean and Lou ran to check out the new bus. I started laughing because they both looked like little kids who just got an awesome new toy. Meanwhile, Karen was giving orders to the crew so they could leave. I looked over and saw Guy a few yards away hugging and flirting with a pretty blonde girl. Sean came out to try and coax me into the new bus until he saw what I was looking at. He came and stood next to me.

“Is that her?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He put his hands in his pockets and looked at his shoes.

“Did he ever tell her?”

“No.”

“She’s really pretty.” I said turning away.

“Let’s go everyone! Yes the buses are nice, let’s get ON them, we’re behind schedule already and traffic is only going to get worse!” Karen shouted in the background.

“That means you.” I said putting my hand on Sean’s chest. He pulled me into a hug.

“I don’t want you to go.” I whispered.

“I don’t want to go, either.” He sighed.

“You’ll be able to come home for our anniversary, though, right?”

Sean was quiet.

“Right!?” I said pulling out of the hug and looking at him with concern.

“Faith, listen, I-”

“LET’S GO! Guy! If you’re not on the bus in 30 seconds I will physically put you on it. Let’s go Sean.” Karen walked by us and started yelling at some crew members who were doing something with one of the trucks. Sean started again.

“I tried to get Karen to make it happen but she couldn’t do it. The emergency schedule change she made so she could deal with her break-up threw a bigger wrench into our schedule than expected. I’m not going to be able to get back for it.”

“WHAT!?” I yelled and then immediately lowered my voice when I noticed we were getting looks from some crew members. Sean pulled me aside between two of the trucks so we could have some privacy.

“I tried, Faith. According to our current schedule, I’d only be able to come back for like four hours. It’s just not manageable. I’m really sorry.”

“So, let me get this straight: Karen has a relationship crisis and because she’s the tour manager she gets to change the schedule for HER relationship but when it’s anyone else’s it’s a big fat NO? You asked for our anniversary off before you even left for the tour Sean!”

“I know but-”

“But what!?” I was getting upset and the bus was ready to leave. I didn’t want to say good bye like that so I took a deep breath and just chose to accept what Sean was telling me without anymore resistance, “You know, what? Just forget it, Sean. We’ll celebrate when you’re in town again. Just forget it. When is your next break?”

“Not until July.” Sean sounded defeated and we walked to the bus so he could get on it.

“Oh.” I said. I hadn’t realized we’d be apart for two months after he left and I felt even more upset and sad than before.

“SEAN, we have GOT to go. I swear to God GUY!” Karen stomped by us and over to Guy, “This bus is going to leave without you if you’re not on it in the next 15 seconds!” She got on the bus and he followed.

“Maybe I can fly home for a day in June or something.”

“Okay.” I said pulling my light sweater closer around me, “You should go. They’re waiting.” I nodded towards the bus.

“Faith-”

“It’s fine, Sean, we’ll get through it. Anniversaries are overrated anyway.” I said forcing a smile.

“Okay. Give Murphy a hug for me. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I said. He squeezed my hand before getting on the bus.

I waved and then turned to start my way back home. I started crying a little, too when I heard the bus start up.

“You didn’t think I was going to leave without giving you a kiss, did you?” Sean asked from the doorway.

I turned around and smiled at him leaning against the door.

“I guess not.” I said trying to wipe my tears surreptitiously.

He came down from the bus and enveloped me in a big hug. It was warm and comforting. I tipped my face up to his and we kissed, gently, at first, and then there were fireworks.

“SEAN! Karen says we need to g-….Nevermind we’ll wait.” Jake stuck his head out of the bus and then promptly back inside of it.

Sean and I broke apart and laughed. It makes me happy that he’ll have his friends with him, even if I can’t be there and even if I think some of them are slimy jerks (ie: Guy). We said good bye for the last time and I watched as the bus convoy drove away. Maybe I can go see Sean while he’s on tour so we won’t be apart for a full two months. It’s unfair for him to always have to come to me, anyway. I’ll ask Karen if that’s a possibility in an e-mail later or something because I’ll need to arrange a hotel (there is no way I am sleeping with Sean in what is essentially a mattress cubby hole, although cubby hole sex might be interesting.).

Family

“Sean! I’m home and my clothes are still on….This is unacceptable.” I said when I got home from work.

Murphy was sitting near his food bowl, so I fed him and wandered around my apartment looking for Sean. He was nowhere to be found. On the table in my foyer there was a post-it note from him:

Karen called a band meeting to give us the details of what time we need to be back from our break and the future itinerary. It should take an hour at the most. I’ll bring home a pizza.

-S

P.S: I fed Murphy before I left, so don’t feed him.

I looked over at Murphy.

“Con artist.” I hissed. He meowed at me and went back to munching on his food.

I was kind of bummed that Sean wasn’t home and looked around my apartment; he had cleaned a little bit. I walked into my bedroom and kicked my heels off, changed out of my work clothes, and put on an ancient pair of sweatpants from college and a black tank top before plopping on the couch with some work files and resumes (I get to hire two new interns for the summer!). After about 20 minutes Sean walked in with a fresh pizza, a 2-liter bottle of soda, and cheesy garlic bread. He poked his head around the corner and smiled at me (I melted).

“Hey.”

“Hey you.” I said. He put the box on the coffee table and disappeared into the kitchen only to return a few minutes later with two glasses and two paper plates.

“How was your day?” He sat next to me on the couch and whipped open the pizza box.

“It was great, actually. I think I finally got that situation at work handled.” I said putting my paperwork on the end table and taking the plate Sean handed me.

“That’s good! You’ve been putting a lot of energy into it.”

“How has the vacation from the band been?” I asked.

“You have no idea. I’m so glad to be out of that bus for right now.”

“Why what’s going on?”

“Well, for one, it’s a total pig sty. Two, there’s no privacy and it’s always noisy. And three, you’re not there.”

I smiled.

“But the good thing is that Karen is going to arrange for it to be cleaned over this little break so at least that won’t be a problem anymore and I’ve heard a rumor that the label might get us a second bus which would make the second issue a bit easier. I love the guys, but some of them seriously suck at being roommates. The third problem I can’t fix, though.”

“Well, if you get that second bus maybe Skype sex can be a possibility again.” I giggled.

“By the way, Jake wanted me to tell you that you have a fabulous rack. I agree.” Sean took a bite of pizza.

“And you’re just telling me this now, because?”

“Because now that awkward moment is far enough behind us that we can laugh about it and I can finally look Jake in the eyes again.”

“You’re only okay with him complimenting my awesome boobs because he’s gay.”

“Uh, duh.”

I grabbed a piece of garlic bread and another slice of pizza. It had started raining since Sean got back and we curled up on the couch together and watched a made-for-TV-movie while we finished our dinner. I put the leftovers away while Sean stretched out on the couch and then I snuggled up with him when I came back.

“I’ve missed you kind of a lot.” I said smelling his hair.

My hand was on his chest and he laid his over it. The other he wrapped around the small of my back.

“I’ve kind of missed you a lot, too.” He kissed my forehead.

Murphy jumped up and laid next to our hands on Sean’s chest and started purring.

“I could get used to this.”

“Used to what?” I asked.

“This is like having my own family. You. Murphy. Me. On the couch; together. Oh, by the way…those sweat pants are SO hot.”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Nope. Normally, sweatpants aren’t a huge turn on for me but those have a hole in the crotch and you’re not wearing any underwear so I made an exception.”

“Oh, well, I guess I should take them off, then.” I said rolling off of him and coyly walking to my bedroom. I could hear him laughing but not following me. I threw the sweatpants on his head and immediately heard the shuffle of his feet behind me.

He's Home

I decided to make Sean a home-cooked meal for when he got home. I’d been cooking a slab of roast beef in the slow cooker all day and just popped the stuffed mushrooms Sean loves out of the oven. I put them in the microwave so they would stay warm as I finished mashing the potatoes, making the gravy, and putting chocolate brownies in the oven. I was wearing a black, form-fitting dress with the music note necklace Sean got me, some red pumps, fishnets, and my hair was up in a half pony. I looked good and Sean walked in the door as soon as I closed the oven.

He put his black duffle bag down in the foyer and called for me. I came around the corner and we basically made out in my foyer for 10 minutes. We probably would have had sex right there on the floor if dinner wasn’t ready and waiting. Sean looked tired so I told him to go put his duffle bag in my room and relax while I set the table.

“Are you sure? I can help.”

“No, go relax. You’ve been on a tour bus all day.”

I set the table and put all of the food out before calling him over, he was practically nodding off on the couch.

“This looks amazing, Faith, thank you.” He said while pouring me a glass of wine.

“You’re welcome, I’m sure you’d want some real food after living off of fast food and diners.”

Sean told me about the tour and how it’s been going.

“At first, it was exciting but now, we’ve been on the road for nearly a month and it’s sort of turned into this blur of performances. I don’t even know where we’re going next.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, this is great for all of us and our careers but it’s already started taking its toll.”

“How so?”

“Well Karen’s boyfriend dumped her a few weeks ago. He couldn’t handle the time apart and Karen can’t just leave in the middle of the tour. I mean she’s our manager and practically the tour manager, too. He did it via text message. She’s been pretty broken up about it.”

“Text message?” I said wide-eyed.

“Yeah. Apparently they talked on the phone one night, got into a fight, and he ended up giving her an ultimatum: quit the tour and come back or break up. She said she needed time to think and he hung up on her. The next day he sent her a text saying it was over and that she needed to come get her stuff. That’s sort of why we have these three days off.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I mean we had a scheduled break soon, so Karen just switched some dates around and moved up our small break.”

“Wow, so where is she staying now?”

“I think her parents’ house? She organized a storage unit to put all of her stuff while she’s on tour and towards the end she’s going to have her sister find her an apartment so when the tour ends she can just move right into it.”

“Poor Karen, is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think she really wants the attention right now. Oh…hey why aren’t you wearing your engagement ring?” Sean looked at my hand with confusion.

“Oh, I forgot to put it back on. I didn’t want it to get dirty while I made dinner, so I put it in my jewelry box for safe-keeping. I’ll go put it on right now and take the brownies out of the oven.”

I gave Sean a kiss and then went to my room. I slid the ring on my finger, popped the brownies out of the oven to cool, and then grabbed the vanilla ice cream hanging out in my freezer. I cut us both out a square of brownie and topped it with ice cream before coming out and setting them on the table.

“Yum!” Sean said.

I waved my left hand around in a flourish and Sean laughed.

“What a GORGEOUS ring, Faith.”

“I know, my fiancé picked it out for me,” I said smiling, “Isn’t it perfect?”

“It is. A perfect ring for a perfect lady.”

“Well, the ring may be perfect but my fiancé is really the perfect one.”

“Okay…even I’m getting grossed out by how cute we’re being.”

“Me too.”

We laughed and dug into our dessert while I told Sean all about the girls and the issue I’m having at work.

“She just keeps avoiding the meeting. It’s not like her, something is up. Steve told me she could be fired.”

“But Steve is a gossip, right? I mean how does he know?”

“Some of the higher-ups have been coming to our office and meeting with Veronica. Everyone has been talking about it.”

“Yeah but that could be for any reason. The news has been all over the place lately, maybe they just want to be more involved with what is being covered?”

“I guess that’s possible.” I said.

“This brownie is awesome, what did you put in it?”

“I used white chocolate chips in addition to milk chocolate.”

“Nice choice.” Sean said, “So…I have a really important question.”

“Okay.” I giggled.

“Why haven’t we had sex yet? I’m about to rip that dress off of you.”

“I still have the dishes to do,” I said standing up and reaching to collect the plates.

“Leave them I’ll do them later.” And then Sean chased me into my bedroom.

L-O-V-E

I got to the bar Sean’s band was playing at about 5 minutes before they ended up being done and taking down their instruments. Karen was there and it was the first time I’d ever seen her. You guys…she looks almost exactly like me. Her hair is a little shorter (and platinum blonde) and her nose is kind of different but we could easily be mistaken as twins if our hair colors weren’t practically the opposite of each other (I’m a brunette with natural mahogany highlights thank you very much). She came over to me while I stood next to the bar and watched the band wrap up their set.

“Faith? Hi, I’m Karen. I just wanted to thank you for the lovely gift you sent me over the holidays.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome.” I said shaking her hand, “It’s so nice to meet you, Sean’s mentioned you a lot.”

“Did he tell you about the tour?”

I looked at Karen, startled.

“No. He didn’t.”

“Oh.” Realization came over Karen’s face and she made an excuse to go help Jake put his keyboard in its case before walking away from me. Sean walked over with his guitar case.

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“Neither did I, really. I just think we need to talk and the sooner the better.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I think here is fine.” I motioned towards a booth towards the back of the bar.

We sat down and both got glasses of water from the bar before I felt like starting.

“Look, Faith I’m sorry. I-”

“Sean, I need to talk and I need you to listen to me, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean really listen to me.”

“Okay.”

“I can’t be with you if this is how things are going to be. You always say that I think about others too much, well, now I need to think about myself and I can’t be with you if you’re going to punish me for what happened. I won’t be able to get better or come to terms with what happened while you treat me this way and if you can’t come to terms with the damage that Kevin, “Sean flinched at his name, “ has done, then I’m going to need to take a break from being with you because I already feel bad enough and I don’t need you to make me feel worse while I’m trying to deal with this. I have been nothing but supportive of you in this relationship and I’m asking you to do the same for me. If you can’t do that, then we need to end this because I’m exhausted. We do nothing but fight and I really don’t need more negativity in my life, especially from someone I love. I can’t keep fighting with you and feeling guilty about it. I won’t do it anymore. You don’t get to shut down or walk away from me when problems come up because both of us are in this relationship and I feel like I’m the only one who actually works or compromises for it.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been going through some pretty difficult stuff in therapy and I haven’t been doing a very good job of dealing with it.”

“Do you want to talk to me about it?”

“No.”

“Is it partly why you’ve been so damn angry for the past few weeks?”

Sean nodded.

“I think you should probably tell Dr. Deerhorn that you need some anger management help.”

He nodded again.

“So can you please stop resenting me for everything?”

“Yes.” Sean held my hands across the table, “Faith, I really am sorry. I should have kept my promise to talk with you more about things that are bothering me and I didn’t. I need to do a better job of listening to you and what your needs are. If you’re ready to try being intimate again I really need to stop thinking about myself in that regard. You’re the one who went through it, not me and I should trust you more, that’s really what it comes down to. Not everything is about me and what I want, we’re in this together.”

“So, when were you going to tell me about the tour?”

“I’m not sure.”

“When is it?”

“We’re leaving in March and we’ll be on the road for about 9 months. I wasn’t sure how to tell you.”

“How long have you known?”

“Only for about a week. We hired Karen at the beginning of January and she got the record label to agree to it, she thinks it’s better for our careers if we tour. We’re getting so much notoriety now, she doesn’t want us to be a local band anymore, and neither does the label. They’re still booking venues and working on the set and lights, I figured I had more time to let you know.”

“Oh.” I was overwhelmed with this information.

“I’ll be able to come back every month or so for a few days. I’m planning on subletting my apartment so I don’t have to lose it…we’ll be okay.” Sean said that last part more for himself than to reassure me, I think.

“So we have about two months to get to a good place before you have to leave?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, we better get started, let’s go to my place.”

I got up and grabbed Sean’s hand to pull him outside. We waved at Karen as we left and on the way home, Sean held my hand. I know it probably seems like a juvenile gesture, but I really appreciated it. When we got to my apartment I fed Murphy and my boyfriend, because apparently he was going to die if he didn’t get to eat all of my chocolate chip cookies. We caught a late-night movie to watch on cable and snuggled under a blanket on the couch. I was leaning up against him on the verge of sleep when he unknowingly snapped me out of it.

“I love you.” He kissed me on the forehead.

“You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that.” I said snuggling into his side even more.

(Author’s Note: this is the blog’s 150^th Faith-related post!)

Managed

I haven’t gone back to my apartment since the break-in and I probably will need to soon to pick up more clothes, Murphy’s food, and my mail but I’m going to do that this weekend. It’s been kind of nice, though, temporarily living with Sean. I think he’s been enjoying it, too. He came home from a gig last night in a great mood.

“Are you hungry? I made spaghetti for dinner and left some warming in the oven.”

“Aw, yes, thanks.” He went into the kitchen and then came out and sat next to me on the couch with a bowl of spaghetti and the leftover garlic bread. Murphy sat next to him licking his chops in vain hope.

“We got our new temporary manager tonight. She’s pretty cool. She’s not like Gerry at all.”

“Oh?” I asked, “How is she different?”

“Well, she doesn’t try to micromanage anything and she just lets us go with the flow. Like, Gerry would make our set lists and outline strict schedules we all had to abide by but we didn’t have to do anything like that tonight, it was nice, it was sort of like we were back in Guy’s garage just having a jam session.”

“What’s her name?” I asked.

“Karen.”

“Do you think she’d be okay with me coming to watch you play? I know Gerry hated that.”

“I don’t think she’d have a problem with that.” Sean smiled, “This is good, what did you put in this?”

“Oh, I used a six cheese blend for the sauce and I bought special garlic infused spaghetti. Have you gotten any more updates about Gerry?”

“Yeah, he and his daughter have been able to reconcile and she isn’t going to transfer the power of attorney to a medical board. He’s going to have to stay in the hospital and is in a mandatory therapy program. One thing’s for sure, he is not coming back to work. Our label received his resignation today.”

“So, what does that mean for you and the band?”

“Well, it means that we could either take Karen on as our new tour manager or she can be a temp until we find a new one. The guys don’t really like anyone we’ve met with so far so we might end up just signing with Karen if she works out for the next month and a half. We don’t have to make a decision until Gerry’s contract would have been up, so we have time if she doesn’t work out but, honestly, I think we’ll want to have her as our tour manager, she meshes well with all of us and she doesn’t have such a Debbie Downer air about her. Things just don’t seem as serious…with Gerry it always felt like a life or death situation.”

“So, Gerry just gave his resignation? Just like that?”

“Yeah, it sounds like he wants to work on things with his daughter, especially after he realized that she’s got a kid and a husband. I think he realized how much he was missing out. Guy said that Gerry asked if he could move in with her but she said no.”

“Oh.” I said feeling bad for Gerry.

“She is going to help him find an apartment close by, though. She told him that she thinks it’s important he have some independence considering how absorbed he lets himself get into things.”

“Well, she has a point there.”

“No kidding.”

Sean and I sat in a comfortable silence while we watched television; we even cuddled for awhile before retiring to go to bed. I tried to initiate some fun but Sean shut me down.

“We haven’t had sex since before the break-in.” I mumbled.

Sean sighed as he put his pajamas on.

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“I know you’re mad at me Sean, but come on! Withholding sex? Really?”

“It’s not that…”

Sean sat on the edge of the bed next to me. He sounded defeated.

“Faith, you understand that the problems I had at the beginning of our relationship…I guess technically it was the middle of our relationship…anyway, the problems I had, before, were emotionally based, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m kind of not sure that I’ll be able to work right because of your lying and how it’s made me feel.”

“Oh.” I said quietly, “Do you think this is going to be like starting all over again?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Can we try and see where it goes?”

Sean was quiet for awhile while he considered the idea and then suddenly, he pulled me to him and started kissing me gently and then more urgently like he’d realized how much he wanted this too. We had sex and everything worked fine, afterward, Sean was almost relieved about how things had worked out and I don’t blame him. He was so unhappy when we were struggling with all of this before that I’m relieved too, starting all over would have been too much, I think, for either of us.