Time Out

It’s been a while since I wrote last.

Just Call Me Nancy Drew

The plot has thickened with my parents’ move.

Home Sweet Home

My parents bought a house.

Thanksgiving Fables

I sat in the airport terminal twitching my foot nervously. Mike and I were waiting for my dad to pick us up. Mike could tell I was nervous about this trip and was trying to distract me.

Friendlies

Adam and I were out on a date. The weather was finally not blisteringly cold so we met up at a park and walked around near the lake for awhile until the wind picked and we were too cold. We ended up going to a little Italian place for dinner.

I wore a black scoop neck dress with ¾ sleeves and some black booties and Adam was wearing a grey sweater that really brought out his beautiful green eyes and dark wash jeans. We looked good.

Thankless

I know I haven’t written in a while and there’s a reason for that which I will talk about in my next post but right now I have to tell you guys about Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was…interesting.

Planner

The meeting Zeke requested is quickly on its way here and I have not been able to get Molly to tell me anything.

Not Gonna be Home for the Holidays

“Hey.” I said when Mike answered his phone.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I just told my mom about not being able to come home for the holidays because of work. There was crying.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Faith. She didn’t take it well, I assume?”

“That is an understatement.” I sighed, “But I don’t know what she wants me to do. I can’t fly in, I have to work. If I was just working at Bruno’s it would be a different story but it’s not like I can just not call the cues for the show, you know? And I’m making a ton of money for working the holidays, for the show AND for Bruno’s. I told her I’d come home for a long visit after the show closed but I don’t think it made her feel any better.”

“She just needs some time. She’ll understand. Your brother has missed holidays before, right?”

“Yeah, but this will be the first year that neither one of us is going to be there for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I told her that she and my dad could come here and spend Christmas with me but she refused, she hates the city.”

“Why can’t your brother be there?”

“He’s on tour for a show and met someone so he’s going to her family’s house for their holiday break instead. I’m going to try to talk him into splitting it up between his new girlfriend’s family’s house and our parents’ but we’ll see how that goes.”

“So, what are you doing for the holidays when you aren’t working?”

“Probably calling my sobbing my mother…” I said.

“Why don’t you spend the holidays with my family?”

“What?”

“Come on, Faith. We’ve been dating since the summer and I’d love for you to meet my parents. You know that. They would LOVE to have you, and you’ll be able to meet my sisters.”

“I’ll…what the hell. Why not?”

“Yessss!” Mike’s happiness was evident on the phone and it made me smile.

I’m terrified of meeting his family but it’ll be nice to not have to sit in my apartment by myself for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. If I can’t be with MY family, I guess being with my awesome boyfriend’s family is the next best thing.

Self-Care

Now that I’ve decided to take some time away from dating and just focus on myself I’ve started a bunch of projects. I bought a gym membership to try and get myself more active, I can’t just sit around eating pizza and watching Project Runway all day after all. I also started a painting project in my room. I’m painting some cherry blossom sprigs on my walls and Molly even helped me make some new curtains for my room. They’re gauzy and really open it up with light.

I’ve also taken an interest in our balcony garden. I repotted some plants into old pots that I re-painted and got rid of a dying and infested spider plant in exchange for a new one. Basically, I’ve been a busy-body and I’m looking into some adult classes I could take at the community center. The hula hopping class I took there was fun but I eventually stopped because there’s just not enough room in city apartments to hula hoop. Maybe I can bring my hoop to the gym and do it there. There are a couple classes that interest me. One is a cooking class and I could seriously use some cooking help, I only know how to prepare a few dishes and mostly rely on microwaveable food or take-out. There’s another one that is a class about changing careers that I think would be practical to take. I can’t be a bartender forever and I certainly don’t want to be one forever so I think that class will give me a nice kick to get back in the game with a career job. The last class is a self-defense class. I’m not sure if I’ll enroll in it or not, I think the fees for the cooking class and career changer class are high enough so I might put that self-defense class on the back-burner for now.

In other news, my brother and Shannon broke up. I don’t know why and I kind of don’t want to. I figure it’s between him and Shannon and if he wants to share then he will. My mom called me with the news to try and get my take on it but I had nothing to say about it, really. I wouldn’t want people poking into my break-ups uninvited so I’m not going to do it to my brother. I guess she moved out and they are totally over. There was a time when they might have gotten back together but it’s Facebook official that they are over so I guess that’s that.

I start volunteering in one a shelter next week and I’m super excited about it. I think with the community center’s classes, my gym membership, work, and volunteering and the shelter, I’m going to be plenty busy and have lots of time to focus on myself. I can’t believe it’s already been two months since the fire. They still haven’t figured out who did it but there haven’t been any other arson cases that seem like the same suspect so I guess that’s a good thing. People were worried about a serial arsonist being on the loose but it doesn’t look like that’s the case, at least not with my building’s fire. I got an e-mail from Randy the other day. He and Teddy ended up moving to Seattle and they’re very happy there. Apparently, his wife’s family is based there and it’s been really good for Teddy to have that connection so I’m happy for them.

Out of the Ashes

I’ve been trying to get back on my feet since the fire. It’s been hard trying to rebuild, especially knowing that I won’t have Murphy with me when I finally do get my life back. Zoey and Wesley have graciously allowed me to stay in their guest room until I’m ready to leave. Anna and Zoey were able to get me some new clothes from work to try and replace some of the great clothes I lost in the fire. Molly has made me a few shirts and dresses, too.

Zoey took me to the store and I bought underwear, socks, and shoes but that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. I called my parents to let them know what happened and that I was okay but that Murphy died. Just typing that out was painful.

I’ve been scouring the city looking for apartments but my heart just isn’t in it. I don’t have to worry about renewing or not renewing my lease now since there is no apartment for me to live in. I have to replace all of my furniture, linens, food, electronics, and it’s incredibly overwhelming. I don’t have a lot in savings because of unemployment so I have no idea what I’m going to do. My parents offered to buy me a bed and have it delivered but I don’t have an address to have it delivered to. My dad also told me that he would give me some money for a down payment on an apartment and groceries, I just have to ask.

Adam (Stormy, this is still weird) called me as soon as he saw the paper the day after the fire.

“Are you okay!?” He practically screamed into the phone.

“I will be.” I said.

We met for lunch and I told him about what happened and about losing Murphy.

“Faith, I’m so sorry. If you need a place to stay or anything, feel free to call me, okay?”

I nodded.

“Where were you when the fire broke out?”

“I was…uh…at work.” I said.

It didn’t feel appropriate to say that I was in the middle of having an orgasm with a guy I work with, especially considering that Adam and I never got together because we worked together.

“You’re lucky you weren’t there and were safe.” He said.

“If I had been there, I might have been able to get Murphy out.” I said, “All I can think about is how scared he must have been; how he must have thought I’d abandoned him…” I started ugly sobbing in the middle of a very public sandwich shoppe.

“Faith…” Adam didn’t know what to say.

“I know I sound stupid crying over my dead cat when 11 of my neighbors are dead. I feel TERRIBLE about how many people died and I feel even worse for feeling so bad about my cat but I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about what he went through in that building. I try to sleep at night and it’s all I can think about it.”

Adam ushered me outside and into a park so people would stop staring.

“They still haven’t caught the person?” He asked after I stopped crying.

“No.”

We talked for a little longer but then said good-bye, when I got back to Zoey’s Molly was there.

“You’re moving in with me.” She said.

“What?” I asked.

“I just kicked my roommate out. You’re living with me.”

I looked at Zoey who had an amused smirk on her face.

“Did you kick them out so I would live with you?” I asked with confusion as I sat down at the table across from her.

“No. He wanted to know if I would be cool with him running a meth lab out of his bedroom. Plus, he would never take out the trash.”

“Is she serious?” I asked Zoey.

She nodded with the same smirk.

“Molly, he didn’t actually start making meth in his room, did he?”

Molly’s smile went away as she thought about it.

“Um, you know I’ll get a cleaning crew in there before you move in, okay?”

“Okay.” I said.

Molly and I discussed rent and utilities payments among other things. She was on her way out when she stopped.

“My landlord allows pets.” She said gently, “In case you were interested in adopting again. And I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“Oh.” I said, I hadn’t thought about it and I’m still not ready to.

I’m going to move in with Molly in about a week. She has to get me added to her lease which will take a few days and her current roommate needs to get his stuff out. Zoey is going to let me stay until I’m ready to move in. I found some bedroom furniture online that I’m going to order when I’m ready for it and because I’m a glutton for punishment I ended up on the cat furniture page and sobbing well past midnight.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.

Home Sweet Home

I flew home for Christmas yesterday and it was a really long flight. I’ve been thinking about my fight with Zoey for days. She won’t return my calls or e-mails, neither will Anna or Molly. I’ve been completely frozen out by my friends. I’m angry at Zoey for telling Anna and Molly my business and I don’t think she had any right to do that. There was a reason I hadn’t told any of them about the things that had been going on and this is why. I knew they wouldn’t support me. I don’t think I’m asking them for much. It’s really none of their business who I choose to involve myself with and it’s certainly not their job to judge me for it.

Being home has been really nice even with all of the bad stuff meddling with my thoughts. I’ve really missed my parents. My brother got home from his tour in Afghanistan a few days ago. We didn’t expect him to be home until April but all of the soldiers in Afghanistan are being pulled out and my brother was one of them. He didn’t tell any of us. He showed up at the house and my mom almost had a stroke. There were lots of tears and happiness and the first thing he ate was a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.

I’ve been thinking about how things were last year. I was really doubting my relationship with Sean and I was so unhappy and here I am a year later, still unhappy and doing whatever it is I’m doing with Sean. At the same time it’s a bittersweet memory because things might have been fixable at that point. I don’t know why I keep holding onto thoughts like that about our relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Sean and after what I just did to Randy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don’t know how my life has turned into what it has. I’m about to be unemployed, my friends have all deserted me, and I’m having sex with someone that I feel constantly confused about. My life is a mess and I have a lot of thinking to do to try and get my act together before I lose everything.

I haven’t heard back from any jobs, meanwhile none of my co-workers are even remotely aware that they are all about to be told they are going to lose their jobs. I’m preparing myself for the fallout that’s sure to come when my work friends find out and feel like I betrayed them. I won’t blame them for feeling that way, either. I would probably feel the same way if it were me. Stormy is the one I’m most worried about since he’s still couch surfing in my apartment (he’s watching Murphy for me while I’m home and I told him he could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch while I’m away). I hope things don’t get super awkward.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

Confuzzled

Well, I’m back! The flight back was kind of hard, if I’m being honest. This trip home reminded me of just how much I miss my family and the security they provide me. I really should make a better effort to see them more often. Christmas was really fun. My brother was able to call us and it just happened to be while we were eating Christmas dinner. My dad put the phones on speaker and it was almost like we were having a normal family dinner with the four of us. My brother is doing well, he’s just bored. It sounds really monotonous but I think the Christmas gifts we sent him will help with that. We sent him a few books and a video game for his DS and of course MOUNTAINS of food. Apparently Shannon (yeah, they’re still together) got him a Kindle to read and sent it to him fully loaded with books and plays for him. You all know how I feel about my brother dating her, it seems everything she does annoys the hell out of me, but I’ll just leave it at that.

My parents loved the gifts Sean and I bought them and Sean sent me a text message thanking me for his gifts and to wish me a Merry Christmas. All of his bandmates also sent me thank you texts, except for Gerry. I was surprised that Karen did, considering I’ve never met her, but it was nice all the same. Sean got me a really nice label maker and a purse I’ve had my eye on for awhile. My parents bought me a Kindle and it is AMAZING. I love it. I love it. I love it.

New Year’s passed fairly smoothly. I didn’t have any plans and it was actually really nice. My mom bought me one of those cheesy New Year’s hats and noisemakers which she used to do when I was in high school. My best friend and I would rent a television series and watch it on New Year’s complete with a party tray and the fancy Welch’s grape juice in the bottles. My mom would even let us drink it out of champagne flutes. We did that until we had a falling out our freshman year of college. But then I met Zoey and we made our own traditions that weren’t nearly as PG. Sean sent me a picture to my phone of him kissing Murphy at midnight since he couldn’t kiss me which made me giggle (Sean graciously offered to take care of Murphy while I was away).

I wish I could say I was a little clearer about how I feel about our relationship but the truth is I’m more confused than ever. We both do things, like what he did with the picture and Murphy for New Year’s that make me think we’re cute and couple-y but then when I think about it even more I wonder if we just do them to go through the motions. I don’t know if there’s any substance to them than just being expected and that bothers me. I know sitting here and moaning about this isn’t going to fix the problem but I’m not sure I’m ready to bring it up to Sean yet. I need to understand how I feel before I even make an attempt to tell him. Maybe Dr. Deerhorn will be able to help me. I’m going to see him tomorrow.

Holiday Thoughts

I’m home, officially. It was a long flight and I’m definitely enjoying just relaxing at home with my parents doing Christmasy things. My mom and I baked cookies last night and we got some snow today so I took some time to watch it fall. I really liked watching snow fall as a kid and it still entrances me in adulthood, it’s just so pretty. I finished my Christmas shopping here and sent out Sean’s gift to him a few days ago (the guitar pick thing I bought for Guy, a new guitar strap, and a black and gray hoodie), his gifts for me arrived the other day and my mom wrapped them and put them under the tree. I have no idea what they are.

My mom has decided that I am going to help her make our Christmas dinner tomorrow because I need to learn to cook or else I’ll “never get married”. She usually says I’ll never get a man unless I learn how to cook but since I already have a man, I guess the next step would be marriage. Thankfully she’s starting me off with the easy stuff. All I’m responsible for making is her cheesy scalloped potatoes and heating up some bread. It’s kind of nice to bond with my mom over cooking though. I mean who doesn’t love their mom’s food and by extension their mom, right?

I know I haven’t posted in awhile but I’ve been taking some time to think about this Sean situation. He took me to the airport before I left and there was still some weirdness between us. I’m pretty sure it’s from bringing up Paul and Gerry when we were out shopping but I also think it’s because we both know this is our last shot at a relationship and if we screw it up, it’s over. I’m sort of getting the feeling that Sean isn’t really into our relationship anymore but doesn’t want to be the one to break it off. I know it’s probably nothing but when we met in the coffee shop, he said something that’s been bothering me.

He said, “So you still love me, huh?”

It’s probably nothing but it made me wonder, does Sean still love me? Maybe he doesn’t and he’s doing the non-communication thing to pick a fight?

Our relationship has been full of problems; problems caused by both of us equally and I’m doubtful that we will be able to recover from it all. I mean, if you think about everything we had, it was based on a lie. Sean and I were just having sex when we decided to start dating and the whole time he was lying to me about his erectile dysfunction, which, to be fair, he wasn’t necessarily required to tell me about that when we were just having sex. But when it became the first major issue in our relationship after we started dating, it was something I needed to know (I mean, he was withholding sex with me and lying about why), and he lied about it. A lot. I’ve been looking through my blog at the beginning of our dating relationship and, at the time I was frustrated, confused, and wondering if I was the problem, but looking back, I see just how much Sean was unwilling to communicate.

But then he got better at communicating and I was the one that started lying and now we’re back to him not communicating things to me; things about his brother, about his feelings with Gerry and Kevin. It leaves me with a sense of sadness, I feel like we’ve been doomed since the beginning.

My parents have been pretty understanding and haven’t asked about Sean. I think they can tell something was up and I’m sure my mom is dying to ask me but my dad convinced her not to. I’m really thankful for that. The only allusion to my relationship issues my dad made was a conversation we had today. I was sitting in their bay window watching the snow and he made me a cup of hot chocolate.

“You seem sad.”

“I’m not, really. The snow is just peaceful and reminds me of my mortality.” I joked.

“Are you a poet now?”

“Maybe.” I said taking a sip of my hot chocolate. It was perfect; my dad can make the perfect cup of hot chocolate and the perfect scrambled eggs with cheese. Anything else he makes is grilled, even in the winter time; it drives my mom nuts because she’s constantly worried about the house catching on fire but my dad is a self-professed grill master and is very attentive when he’s making food so she really worries for nothing.

“You know, I would avoid anything that makes you look so sad. I miss my little girl’s smile.” And with that he left me to my thoughts.

Did my dad just tell me to break up with Sean in his own “I’m-not-going-to-pry-but-this-is-my-advice-to-you” kind of way?

Mall Rats

Sean and I went Christmas gift shopping for my parents even though we decided it was best if he didn’t come. I made up an excuse about him having a family emergency that he couldn’t get out of and would be dealing with for awhile and my mom was upset but didn’t push the issue. He wanted to buy my parents gifts as a way to apologize and still somewhat participate in the holidays with them since they were nice enough to invite him. My mom was able to get almost all of her money back for the ticket, too, so things worked out pretty well in that regard.

“What kind of stuff do they like again?” Sean asked as we strolled through a mall.

“Well, my mom likes snowmen things, but only if they’re blue. She likes them more if they’re dark blue but she will accept light blue ones as well. She also loves anything with a butterfly on it and recently got into making and drinking tea. My dad is obsessed with his Kindle and food.”

“Hmmmm.” Sean looked around and pulled me through the mall. I know this is probably shocking, because I LOVE shopping, but holiday shopping is something I’m not that into because of the crowds and how rude people can be. Plus, my parents are deceptively hard to shop for, especially my dad.

After a few hours Sean and I left the mall with some fancy chocolate truffles, an Amazon Kindle gift card, and a cover for the Kindle with a built in light on it for my dad. For my mom Sean found a cute little stuffed animal type of snowman, two tea ball infusers, and a garden sculpture of a butterfly with stained glass wings. I’m going to be bring all of his gifts with me, except the garden sculpture (which is from both of us, as is the Kindle reading light cover) and the truffles which he’ll be mailing to me. I was a little touched with how much thought Sean put into the gifts that he got for my parents. I’m not really sure why, I mean, Sean is a thoughtful guy but it was touching to see that he was being just as thoughtful towards my parents as he normally is with me. We grabbed some dinner in the food court and a thought struck me while we were eating.

“Um…should I get a gift for your brother?” I asked randomly.

Sean looked at me stiffly.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I just thought that since you weren’t going to come home with me you’d make other plans. No one should be alone on Christmas.”

“I’ll just hang out with the guys.”

“They aren’t visiting family?”

“Well, Lou isn’t. He doesn’t have one, we’ll probably just order Chinese food and watch It’s a Wonderful Life on cable.”

“Wait, what? Lou doesn’t have a family?”

“No.” Sean shook his head, “His parents were murdered when he was a kid in a convenience store robbery, his little brother died three years ago from a drug overdose, and his grandmother passed away shortly after from cancer.”

“That’s so sad.” I said.

“Yeah, his mom was pregnant when she died too. They weren’t able to save it. Lou would have had a sister.”

I was shocked at how coldly Sean was able to recite this information. Part of me wondered if it hit too close to home for him and detaching himself from it was a coping mechanism.

“Sean…” I said tentatively, “Why don’t you talk to your brother.”

“Can we not get into this? He’s not part of my life, that’s really all that matters.”

I let it go and we finished dinner shortly after. I bought gifts for Lou and the other band members (a matching scarf set for Eddie and Jake, a guitar pick-shaped hole-puncher that you can use on old gift cards or credit cards to make your own picks for Guy, a clipboard with a calculator on it and a pen storage compartment for Karen, and a gourmet cheese sampler for Lou which Sean promised me he would love) once we started walking around again. I think I’ll probably get Sean that same guitar pick maker thing because he seemed really interested in it (and a little jealous I wasn’t buying it for him). I paused before we left, though.

“What’s up?” Sean said when he noticed I had fallen back.

“Should we get something for Gerry?” I asked.

Sean looked at me for a moment, incredulous.

“You’ve known him for a long time. He’s going through a rough patch.”

“Without work I don’t really know what to get him. A card that says, ‘congrats on not killing yourself’?”

“Sean, that’s kind of rude.” I said surprised at his words, “He really could have died, you know. You said he moved into his own apartment, could we send him some pots and pans or something?”

“Fine.” He said trudging back into the mall with me. We didn’t get Gerry a set of pots and pans, instead, we ended up buying him a welcome sign for his front door that had music notes on it and some pretzels dipped in chocolate.

I think bringing up Gerry was probably stupid, in hindsight, but I think now that he’s getting help, Sean should try and rebuild what they had or at least make a good will gesture to at least let Gerry know that he knows he’s alive and okay. Bringing up Paul was also stupid. I knew it was a taboo topic and Sean had previously made it clear it was off-limits but I don’t like the idea of Sean and Lou sitting around in an apartment on Christmas, alone. Had I known about Lou’s past beforehand I probably would have insisted that he come to my parents’ house for the holidays as well, since I’ve gotten to know him a bit better since Sean’s arrest, but it’s too late now.

Burn

I just got off the phone with my mother. She’s upset that I wasn’t able to come home for Thanksgiving and has demanded that I come home for Christmas…and that I bring Sean. It wouldn’t be my mother though without a huge guilt trip for not telling her about him and having to find out from my brother instead. She’s known since August and has basically been stewing about it ever since. In case I tried to wiggle out of coming home or bringing Sean she bought us both tickets. We leave on the 17^th of December. Joy.

It’s not that I don’t love my parents or that I’m embarrassed of Sean, it’s just that my parents can be overwhelming for people who don’t understand them. It’s even worse on holidays because my mother’s extended family is absolutely crazy and I hate visiting them. Luckily, my dad’s side of the family, which is equally as crazy, doesn’t live anywhere near my parents so I just have to put up with my mother’s side during the holidays. I feel pretty bad about not coming home for Thanksgiving especially since my brother is in Afghanistan, but I simply didn’t have the vacation time to make it to both Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially with the recent couple of days I took off for my concussion. This Christmas is probably going to be even more chaotic than normal because of the fact that my brother won’t be there.

I got off the phone right when Sean walked in the door with a bag of groceries.

“So, it’s official, I’m bringing you home with me for the holidays.” I said going to help him put the groceries away.

“Sweet.” He said opening the pantry to put a bag of pretzels away, “How much do I owe your mom for the ticket?”

“Don’t bother; she won’t take your money anyway.”

“So what should I get your parents for Christmas?” Sean asked.

“Well, they’re kind of hard to buy for.” I said.

“Hmm, I guess we’ll just have to go shopping together. I’m a pro at giving gifts and you can poin out the stuff they might like.”

“Okay.”

“It’s a date, then.” Sean said smiling.

I smiled back and continued putting the groceries away. I think Sean knows that I’m aware of his panic about his situation with Kevin and I’ve been trying to think of a way to help him but I can’t afford to pay for his lawyer fees and mine and I don’t think Sean would let me do that anyway. I feel so stuck and I can’t imagine how Sean is feeling. I’ve heard him talking to Lou on the phone some more and things just seem really dire for him. I tried to breach the subject of Paul.

“So, since we’re leaving on the 17^th do you think you’ll want to do some sort of Christmas thing with your brother?” I said trying to sound nonchalant.

Sean stiffened.

“He’s probably busy.” He said noncommittally.

“You haven’t even checked with him to see what his plans are or if you can hang out with him for the holidays?”

“We don’t really talk, Faith.”

“Oh. Why?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

I was a little stung by how clipped Sean’s answer was but I decided to drop it. We didn’t really talk much for the rest of the night.

Let's Address It

I got a phone call from my brother today. When I saw the caller ID I didn’t really want to answer it, but he’s in combat training and I’m not such a bitch that I will refuse a phone call from someone I might not ever see again.

“Hey! I miss you! How are you? How’s the new job?” He was really cheerful and I felt a twinge of guilt for silently being mad about him for the address debacle.

“I miss you too, the new job is pretty sweet. My office is like the Taj Mahal. I have an entire wall of windows.”

“Well you deserve it, anyone who doesn’t hire you are jerks.” I suddenly became suspicious; my brother isn’t the type of person to shower me with compliments.

“What do you want?” I asked incredulously.

“I just have a quick question.”

“Okay….”

“Did you get me that video game and do you like Shannon?”

“One, that was two questions, two I did get you that game but ended up taking it back to the store after I found out that you had an address and hadn’t told any of your family members about it, and three, no I do not like Shannon.” I may have lied a little bit in this part of the conversation….I was going to take the video game back….but I ended up downloading it on to my computer and playing it instead.

“How did you know I had an address?”

“I got an angry, hysterical phone call from mom about it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Do you think she likes the fact that the only way to know anything about your life is by trolling your facebook page? Do you think I like finding out things like this on facebook?”

“Well, dad knew my address.”

“He didn’t tell anyone else, it seems. Is it too much to ask that I be given contact information for my own family members? What’s next? Are you going to change your phone number so I can find that out on facebook too?”

“I think you need to calm down. Shannon and I are dating-“

“She’s almost ten years older than you and yes, I did know that….facebook’s funny like that isn’t it?”

“Well I like her and I want you to like her.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Justin, when she breaks your heart while you’re on your deployment, I’m going to be the one that sends you cookies and tries to make you feel better so you don’t get distracted and end up doing something stupid. She’ll be gone in a few months just like all the others.”

“I appreciate that you don’t want me to get hurt, but it would mean a lot to me if you would try to like her.”

“She talks down to me like a parent, because she’s ten years older than me and thinks she can, she thinks we’re friends, but I was being polite when she talks to me on IM. And she knows how I’ve felt about your girlfriends in the past, she knows I didn’t like them and she knows my opinion isn’t going to change because she’s suddenly the girlfriend.”

“Can you try, at least?”

“What do you want me to do? She’s on the east coast. Fly out there and have a slumber party?”

My brother sighed and I could tell he was struggling to not come off as incredibly angry even though he was.

“Did you really take the game back?”

“…Maybe.”

“When you finish beating it can you send it to me?”

“…fine.”

He had to go shortly after our conversation and I was struck with a wave of guilt. I think I made him feel bad for not wanting to be friends with Shannon but I can’t help the way I feel. This whole situation is weird. My brother has never cared about my opinion when it comes to his girlfriends, I mean, he always knew I didn’t like them. I’ve called them names to their faces, but this was the first time he actually cared about what I thought. I just can’t support my brother being in a relationship with someone almost ten years older than him, who’s already been married, and doesn’t support the fact that he’s in the military.

Ugh! I’m going to play my video game. I’m a cloud of angry guilt feelings right now. By the way, Sean hasn't called me since our experience at the pizza place.

Facebook Fury

When I got home from work after leaving Sean that morning, I was relieved to see that he had left. He also did the dishes and took my trash out (which I absolutely HATE doing, any other chore and I’m good, but for some reason taking the trash out requires me to wait until I absolutely have to take it out) upon further inspection… I saw a note he left on my dining room table:

Faith,
I’ve got to go out of town for a few days for some gigs. I know we need to talk so I’ll stop by your place when I get back.
-Sean

I sighed and kicked my shoes off while I collapsed on my couch. Trying to juggle my job along with the issues with Sean was already enough, but apparently my life wasn’t complicated enough because just then, my phone rang.

“Does your brother have an address?”

“What?” it was my mother, in absolute anger-mode, “I don’t think so, he told me he probably wouldn’t be getting one until he arrived at camp in Afghanistan.”

“Well…go look on his facebook wall.” I rolled my eyes and humored my mother.

There were the obligatory “I miss you” posts from his friends and then I saw it. Shannon, the girl he called instead of his family while he was away over Mother’s Day, and he were now “in a relationship”. My eyes started to go red, but I’ll get to that in a minute. I scrolled up and saw a comment she posted on someone’s wall post about how she could give them my brother’s new address.

“Have you found it yet?”

“Uh, yeah…”

“Did you know he had an address?”

“No…I obviously would have told you if I did. Every time I’ve talked to him I’ve asked if he’s gotten an address yet, he said ‘no’ every single time.”

My mother was distraught and after a few minutes I finally got off the phone. I feel bad for my dad…he’s going to come home to a wife jumping from being extremely livid to hysterically crying…he’ll be okay…probably.

Anyway…I’ve hated every single one of my brother’s girlfriends. Every single one. Not because I feel over protective of my brother or anything, but because I see their cards, I know exactly what they want: every girl that’s been in my brother’s life sees the “status” that he has and date him because they want the status. They don’t realize my brother is a selfish jerk who will be a horrible boyfriend to them. In high school, my brother was hugely popular with every clique you could think of. The goths? Completely friends. The cheerleaders? They idolized him, he was the school mascot and technically on the cheerleading squad, so it was a double bonus for them. The theatre kids? He was one. The band nerds? He was their hero. He was even elected Homecoming King his senior year of high school. For teenage girls in high school, obtaining popularity was THE thing to do and a lot thought they would get it by dating my brother. These girls had a lot of tactics they used for getting him to notice them…the most common being: befriend his little sister, get an invite to their house to hang out with said little sister, and then ignore her completely at said hang out date so they could flirt with her brother in the basement.

High school was not a happy time for me. I was fat, lanky, in the marching band, and all of my friends were using me to get closer to my brother, but I’ve moved on from that. I just wish other girls would move on from that too. Now, my brother is in the military... not just any branch…he’s in The Marines. And I’ll be the first to admit that the Marine Corps dress uniform is pretty goddamn sexy and the status of dating a Marine is something I also know is highly attractive to some women. It’s romantic, sending your Marine off to fight for your freedom, pining over you while he sits in the heat and dirt of a foreign country, maybe even hoping to marry you, I get it. BUT MY BROTHER IS NOT YOUR MARINE IN SHINING ARMOR. He is a jerk, he is flawed, he will treat you like crap, and I will love him and be more supportive of him than any other girl he may have in his life. The girls he has had in his life since high school are no different than the girls he dated in college, it’s just a different type of status now.

This makes me even angrier than the girls in high school. Men in the military need support and women who chase the status that dating a soldier brings aren’t tough enough to cut it. After a few weeks they realize it’s too hard to try and maintain a relationship with someone you might not be able to talk to more than once a month. I know this because I saw my mom be a military wife for more than 20 years and saw so many other military marriages end because the women just get fed up with the lifestyle.

Shannon…now she really pisses me off. First, she’s 7 years older than him. She’s in her 30’s! And from what I can tell, my brother has always known about her feelings for him but never felt the same way for her. My brother isn’t even 25 yet and he’s more immature than a 16 year old, so this relationship is going to crash and burn. She also thought befriending me and chatting me up on Skype and facebook would be a good idea (she did this before their relationship was so appropriately announced on facebook), and to be honest, I liked her. She knows my brother is an asshat and she knows he can be incredibly cruel but she was also his best friend. I knew my brother didn’t want to date her (I might be in my 20’s but that doesn’t mean I’m too old to eavesdrop on a telephone conversation) so I didn’t see her as a threat even though them dating was always something I was suspicious about.

I just didn’t think a 30-year-old woman would try the same tactics that so many other teenage girls tried before.

If I’m being honest, I’m also really hurt that my brother gave his girlfriend of two weeks his address but hasn’t mentioned anything to his family even though I’ve asked him for it several times. I would contact Shannon for it but I don’t want to. If he doesn’t want mail from his family, then it’s not worth my time bothering to send it. Maybe when this girlfriend leaves him he’ll be willing to send me his address. I’m going to take the video game I bought for him back to the store tomorrow after work and eat the cookies right now.

Taking Flight

I got a text message from Sean this morning before my flight back home:

“Looking forward to seeing you some time, let me know when you’re in town and ready for…exercise?”

I smiled. I think it’s cute how awkward Sean and I are being about our whole situation, but I think I know a way to get over it. I sent him a reply text that scheduled a time we’d meet and continued packing. By the time I finished I had a few hours left and my parents decided to take me out to lunch. We had a nice evening and on the car ride back I was in a really good mood. I don’t think I’ve felt so rested on a vacation before. That sounds silly but I know I’m not the only one that had experienced a vacation that can be more stressful than work. Sometimes just planning a vacation can be stressful. The flight back was okay and I thankfully didn’t get stuck behind anyone in the expert traveler line.

My good mood didn’t last that long, though. When I arrived back at my apartment it felt empty and I felt incredibly lonely. I usually get really homesick after visiting my parents because they provide me with such a sense of security; emotional and financial, but this time it was like getting hit with a wave of it as soon as I walked in the door. As I unpacked my clothes in my empty apartment, I started to cry…then my phone rang. It was my mom.

“Hello?” I said trying not to sound like I was crying.

“Hey sweetie, I just wanted to see if you got home alright.”

“Yeah, I got home about 20 minutes ago, I was just unpacking.”

“Okay, well, is there anything you would like me to send you? I was about to go shopping and thought I’d ask you if you needed anything.” She was getting skeptical at the sound of my wavering and stuffed up voice.

“I don’t think so, I think I’m okay. You don’t need to get me anything.”

“Okay, well I’ll call you later then.” I could see her nodding and making an imaginary list of things to buy from the store and send to me.

Once I got off the phone I sniffled and took a few deep breaths. I finished packing and picked up my mail, which had two movies in it, so I decided to order a pizza and watch them. It was a pretty uneventful night until I found myself searching for an animal to adopt online. I think that might make me feel less alone in my apartment, or at the very least, I’ll have something to come home to everyday. I think I’m financially capable of owning a pet and I have plenty of room in my apartment for even the largest dog I could ever find, besides we always had pets when I was growing up and I think I can be responsible enough to take care of them the way they need me to. I bookmarked a few potential pets and went to bed full of pizza and hope.

Home Sweet Home

My brother left today and to be completely honest, I feel extremely guilty from the large amount of relief that came over me. I feel awful but it’s nice to not have to tip-toe around him and his sudden angry outbursts. It makes me feel even worse when I consider that this could have been the last time to see him for months….or forever. I think I might be in denial about the fact that he’s gone. We don’t see each other very often so I think part of me is just believing he’s out living his life working like he was before the deployment because it’s easier for me to deal with.

Anyway, my parents weren’t in the mood to cook dinner so I offered to go and pick us up some food instead. We called in some calzones at a local pizza place and I went to go pick them up. When I walked in to the restaurant I was instantly reminded why I try to avoid coming home and frequenting the local businesses.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! It’s Faith!” Torie, a girl I went to high school with, walked up to me with a cigarette in hand and a noticeably large baby belly (I had to do a double take and hide my shock).

“H-hey.” I said waving at several other former classmates nursing a pitcher of beer in front of a big screen television while their kids ran around the table throwing breadsticks. “How’s it going?”

Torie told me her life story while I waited for the food (they were in a rush and it was going to be about 20 minutes). After high school she got pregnant and married a guy sitting at the table. This was her fifth child (we graduated 6 years ago). She worked at a lingerie store a few blocks away and they were in the middle of her baby shower when I walked into the pizza place. He works as a car mechanic downtown and they live with her parents. When I was finally able to get our food and say goodbye I felt even worse.

Torie was in the top of our class, she got a full ride scholarship to a prestigious school and wanted to be a doctor. She also dated my brother when they were in high school. It annoyed me because she tried to be my friend in order to get close to him and once I realized what was going on he was taking her to prom and out on dates. They didn’t last long and she eventually ended up with her current husband. I think I felt so bad about seeing her because I’m one of the few kids who got out. I don’t come from a small town by any means. I grew up in the suburb of a fairly large city in the Midwest (sort of, we moved around all over, but I spent the most time there and my parents have always owned a home there) but I’m still one of the few people who graduated from school and went on to college out of state. I knew what I wanted when I was in high school and living here and getting married before I was even legally allowed to drink and start a family wasn’t really in my cards. Don’t get me wrong, I think I want to get married and have children but not at 17 (the age I graduated from high school) and not really now, either.

The reason I don’t like seeing people I went to high school with is because I always see so much lost potential in who they wanted to be. Most of them never went to college and don’t like their current jobs; most have already had children or been divorced and it’s hard to not feel lucky when I see what happened to people I used to look up to in high school. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt like my life was heading in a better direction than my former classmates and that makes me feel like an elitist, pretentious, bitch. I can see how happy they are, like Torie who was having such a blast and happy with her life, but it’s painful to know that she had bigger dreams for herself that were never fulfilled.

“Food’s here!” I said walking through the door. My dad was on the phone and my mom shushed me. “What’s going on?” I whispered.

“SHHHHHH.” I rolled my eyes and started setting the table. My dad got off the phone beaming.

“So what’s going on?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve been looking for a new job and I just got hired by a university I’ve been looking at for awhile.”

“He’s making a six-figure salary now.” My mom said, “He had to take a pay cut to work at that other university so your brother and you could go there for free….even though neither of you went there.” She said coldly.

“That’s awesome dad.” I said, “Let’s eat! I’ll go get ice cream later to celebrate.”

My dad isn’t a teacher, he’s more of a budget guy and I’m really happy that he’s been offered such a great job. He was recently looked over at his current place of employment for a promotion (that he seriously deserved) after they lead him on for six months after interviewing him. They gave it to someone who had only been working there for two years and didn’t have any qualifications for the job, instead. I’m glad my dad is getting out of there now, he really deserves it.