Out in the Open

“I want you to come by the fire house and meet the guys. You could come hang out and watch a football game with us.”

“Won’t that be kind of weird?” I asked Mike.

We were eating dinner at my place and waiting for the potato casserole I made to finish baking. Mike was using a laser toy to play with Murphy from the couch.

“Why? They know about you, plus, you already met Tony.”

“Yeah, but this is, like, your boss and stuff. And I think it would be weird for you to meet Tucker or Eddie or Joe.”

“But these guys are my family, Faith. They aren’t just co-workers. And besides, I have met your Bruno pals.”

He was right. Mike has stopped by the bar a few times when it’s been slow and he’s met Cara, Bruno, and Brad.

“Come on, Faith. At the very least you could meet Dolly. We could fool around in the sleeping quarters if you get bored...”

He pulled me to him and gave me a hot kiss bet we were interrupted by the timer on the oven.

“Dinner time.” I said.

Mike pretended to be annoyed and helped me set the table while the casserole cooled. I made up a salad and got us some sodas (and fed my hungry baby) before settling down at the table.

“Okay.” I said.

“You’ll meet them?”

“Yes.” I smiled. Mike smiled back and took a moment before speaking again.

“I don’t want to scare you away or anything…and I now we haven’t been together for very long in the grand scheme of things but I’m so in love with you, Faith. I think about our future sometimes. Does that freak you out?”

“No.” I said, “I think about it, too.”

“Have you thought about maybe moving in together?” He asked.

I froze a little bit. The last time I’d had a conversation like this was with Sean and he ended up basically living with me because he sublet his apartment while he was on tour.

“Hey, whoa, I was just asking, we can pretend like I didn’t.” Mike said noticing my reaction.

“It’s…not that.” I said, “Mike, I don’t think I’ve really told you much about my past relationships. I know I told you that I was engaged to my last boyfriend and that it wasn’t very healthy but I think I owe it to you to tell you just how much damage that relationship and the one before it did to me.”

Mike looked at me with concern, put his silverware down, and held my hand. I took a deep breath and started in.

“My relationship with you is very different from what I had with Sean. And part of that is because I wanted to forget about the relationship I had before him. I dated my boss before Sean. He was engaged to someone and lied to me about it, when I broke things off he made my job a living hell and tried to hurt me when I quit. Then I met Sean; I didn’t want a relationship with him at first. We met at a bar and I went back to his hotel room and we’d had that arrangement for awhile.”

The shame I felt telling Mike this cascaded over me and my eyes welled up.

“Faith, it’s okay.” Mike rubbed my hand with his thumb.

“Almost from the beginning of our relationship, Sean lied to me; he had jealousy problems, and would constantly accuse me of lying or having feelings for my boss. This behavior only got worse when I ran into my boss at a bar and he tried to hurt me and it was bad; it’s why I have those nightmares. Sean got involved and because of that I couldn’t press charges but he turned it around and tried to use it as evidence that I still had feelings for my boss. He showed up at my work once and saw me talking to my friend, Adam, and got very upset with me. And I thought that was okay because he had to justify our relationship to his manager and almost gave up his position in the band to be with me.”

My voice shook.

“When Sean went on tour, I think I was able to see just how unhappy I was with the relationship and I think he knew it which is why he asked me to marry him. Eventually he ended up cheating on me and getting that person pregnant. But we didn’t completely break things off. Sean would still come over and…and…I was seeing someone else at the time and I feel so badly about that.”

I looked up at Mike and waited for him to start yelling but he didn’t. He just continued to listen.

“But then I called it off, for real, and I told the person I was dating, too, who chose to break it off as well. And then I found someone else and we’d had the same arrangement that Sean and I had had before we started dating and that person wanted to take things farther and the only reason we didn’t was because I’d hurt his feelings on our first actual date. So then I decided I should avoid dating for awhile which is when you entered into my life. And everything with you has been so different and I’m not afraid to tell you things like I was with Sean, I’m not afraid you’re going to make accusations like he did, you actually trust me even when I told you I lied to you that one time, and I…I don’t really know how to be in a relationship like this, I guess.”

I let out a breath and then looked at Mike with trepidation.

After a while he spoke.

“Faith, I love you.”

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say after all of that?”

Mike laughed.

“Yeah. I know you had a life before me and it would be pretty stupid of me to expect you not to be shaped by it. I love ALL of who you are and I would marry you tomorrow if I didn’t think doing so would be absolutely insane and also scare the hell out of you.”

I practically leapt across the table to kiss him and give him a hug. (We are not getting married any time soon, though!)

Not-So-Sweet Dreams

I sat in Dr. Sheehan’s office nervously fiddling with my hands. I’d just told her about my dreams and how they were making me afraid to fall asleep. Since my last post, I’ve had nightmares almost every night and I am exhausted.

“I don’t understand why this is happening. I haven’t thought of Kevin for a long time. I thought I was past all of this.” I said.

“Faith, you have PTSD from the attack, it’s natural to have things like this happen after being triggered.”

“But that’s the thing…I didn’t even feel uncomfortable about seeing his name again in that magazine. I…felt nothing. I thought I was fine, I barely thought about it after seeing the magazine.”

“It’s possible that you were affected on a subconscious level, the dreams you’ve been having would certainly suggest that.”

“Dr. Sheehan, I need to stop having these dreams. I’m exhausted. Mike and Molly are both exhausted, too. I can’t keep going on like this.” My voice cracked and I sounded as desperate as I felt.

“I can write you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine you can take before bed; that might help. Try that first. If it doesn’t work, fill the prescription for some sleeping pills I’m going to give you, but try not to rely on them, okay?”

“I’ll only use them if I absolutely have to.”

“I really want you to try the anti-anxiety meds first. I think they’ll relax you and your mind. Hopefully they’ll help you stop feeling afraid of sleeping.”

I took the prescriptions she wrote me and stuck them in my purse.

“I was doing fine until the dreams started.” I said sadly.

“Faith, PTSD is a hard disease to try and deal with. It comes and goes. You’ve had a good year, don’t look at it like a failure.”

“I just…the dreams make me scared. Like he’s going to show up in my life again at any time. Like I have no control anymore.”

“Well, he doesn’t know where you live, right?”

“Right.”

“He can’t even get a forwarding address because your apartment complex no longer exists for him to go ask for it.”

“That’s true, too.”

“You don’t even work in HR anymore, so he can’t find you that way.”

“That’s also true but I work in theatre, which is pretty public.”

“But you’re a stage manager, that’s a pretty low-key job.”

I laughed.

“You’re right. No one cares about the stage manager.”

“Kevin has very little chance of coming back into your life again even if he wanted to.”

I gave Dr. Sheehan a confused look.

“Kevin is a master-manipulator, Faith. He’s an abuser. That’s what they do. But they move on very fast. The control Kevin had on you went away as soon as he signed that piece of paper so long ago. I imagine that he’s found someone else...” She trailed off.

“Someone else to hurt.” I finished her sentence.

“It’s not your fault, Faith. This is just what men like Kevin do. They manipulate and use people until they aren’t allowed to anymore, then they find someone new. I imagine his wife got pretty tired of his behavior and she’s finally free of him. Instead of feeling sad, feel glad that she doesn’t have him in her life anymore.”

I nodded, Dr. Sheehan was right. I would never be able to do anything about Kevin at this point but being relieved for Hannah is certainly something I can do. Our session was over a little after that. I said good bye and thanked her for the prescriptions which I then promptly filled. I’m about to go to bed. I took a hot bath, made myself of sleepy time tea and took and anti-anxiety pill and I’m waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully I’ll have a much better night tonight. I think I’ll go climb into bed and snuggle with Murphy while this pill kicks in.

Back, Back Again

(When I made that post on Thursday, I seriously under-estimated just how unmotivated I would be to write on Friday and, well, the rest of the weekend since it was a long weekend for me. So, I posted the lost post before this one. Make sure to read it first or you might be confused. Also, sorry for being lazy : ( -del)

We’ve finally moved into the actual theatre space and have started having rehearsals there so I have more to do at night to shut down than in our temporary rehearsal space. It was late at night and I was locking the door that leads to the alley. The light above the door was out so it took me forever to lock it since I couldn’t see. It was cold and I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets while I walked to the bus.

I heard footsteps behind me but didn’t think much of it until I looked behind and didn’t see anyone. I pulled my jacket closer around me and started walking faster. The footsteps started again.

I stopped. They stopped. The bus stop was only about half a block away and I thought I’d feel safer if I could just get there, where there were lights so I started walking again.

“Faith.” A voice called out to me, taunting.

I turned around and it was Kevin. He was almost on top of me. I tried to scream but nothing came out. He grabbed my hair and dragged me to an alley nearby. When he let go, I tried to run but he grabbed my waist and we ended up on the ground.

I tried to crawl away and kick him off of me but he was holding onto me too tight. I finally found my voice and started screaming for help but no one came. Kevin pinned me against the ground, I could feel it under me, wet, hard. A sickening wave of terror came over me when I saw Kevin pull out a long, thin knife.

I started screaming louder, he raised his arms and plunged the knife into me. He did it again and again and again. I was kicking and clawing at him but with every stab I felt myself fall deeper and deeper against the ground.

He kept repeating my name. But it didn’t sound like Kevin anymore. It was…Mike’s?

“FAITH! FAITH WAKE UP!”

I sat bolt upright and realized I was drenched in sweat and shaking. I looked around wildly. The bedroom light was on and Mike was holding me by my shoulders. I screamed and backed against his headboard. 

Mike took his hands off of me and held them up so I could see them.

“It’s okay. You were just having a nightmare. It’s okay now.”

I was breathing heavily and my muscles felt like I’d been working out for hours. I relaxed a little and Mike sat across from me.

“Do you want me to get you some water?”

“N-no.” I said still breathing heavy. I put my hand on my heart to try to calm myself down. My pulse was racing as if I’d just run a marathon.

A loud knock came from Mike’s apartment door and I jumped.

“I’ll get it, it’s okay.” Mike said slowly backing away. His eyes were full of concern. I was afraid to be alone so I followed him unsteadily out to the living room.

Mike opened the door, it was a neighbor.

“Is everything okay? We heard someone screaming bloody murder.” The neighbor was an older woman in a robe; she looked past Mike into the living room.

“Everything’s okay, my girlfriend just…got scared. We were watching a scary movie, I’m sorry for waking you.”

The neighbor looked at me with concern and I nodded apologetically. She left after that and I collapsed on the couch.

“I’m sorry.” I said as Mike sat next to me and pulled me against him.

“It’s okay. Have you ever had a bad dream like that before?”

“I don’t think so.”

“What was it about?”

“Um. I don’t remember.” I lied. I dug my head to his chest and he kissed my hair, “Mike, go back to bed, you have to be at work in a few hours. I’ll just sit out here for awhile. I’ll be fine.”

“It’s fine, Faith, I can-”

“No, please, I’m really embarrassed. Just, please go back to sleep, you should get some sleep before work.”

“Are you sure?” He asked looking into my eyes, searching.

“Yeah, I’ll just watch some really bad infomercials and make some tea. I’ll be in there in an hour or so, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Mike got up and gave me a kiss before heading back to bed.

I sighed and fell back on the couch. We’re going to have a lot to talk about in therapy this week.

Over It

The girls and I went out to brunch and I told them all about meeting Mike’s parents and the show.

“I’m so sad that I didn’t get a part in that.” Molly said.

“I know, but, to be fair, there really aren’t a ton of female roles in it. And you’re doing costumes, so it’s not like you aren’t involved.”

“You’re right. Rehearsals sound awesome, though.”

“I’m getting worried about tech. There’s A LOT of stuff we’re going to have to run through.”

“I’d love to bring the twins to see it but I should probably wait until they’re a bit older.” Anna said leaning over their stroller to make sure they were still napping.

“Yeah, they probably won’t appreciate it at their current age.” I joked.

Zoey was perusing a fashion magazine while she listened and let out a gasp.

Molly, Anna, and I looked at her with confusion.

“Uh…it’s nothing.” She said trying to stuff the magazine in her purse.

Anna grabbed it and opened it up. Her eyes widened before she shut it closed and tried to hide it again.

“What is wrong with you?” I asked.

Molly grabbed it from Anna and opened it up to the page they were looking at. She looked confused.

“Guys, why is this such a big deal? So someone got a divorce, blah, blah, blah, big deal.”

Molly handed me the magazine and I saw Zoey and Anna both take in a deep breath.

I looked down the page and didn’t quite understand at first but then I saw a little blurb towards the bottom. Kevin and Hannah got divorced. Apparently the fashion magazine was talking about it because Hannah was making a triumphant return to working as a fashion guru after working through her divorce.

I didn’t know what to say. I silently handed the magazine back to Zoey.

After a few seconds of silence, Molly chimed in.

“Guys, WHAT is the big deal?”

That brought me out of my thoughts.

“Molly, Kevin and I dated; he was also my boss. He was engaged to that woman while we were dating. I had no idea. He lied about pretty much everything and when I broke things off he made my life a living hell at work. I eventually quit and he attacked me in his office when I went to give him my notice. Awhile after that, he saw me at a bar and attacked me again. Sean-”

“Wait, that’s THAT guy?” She asked.

“Yeah.” I said. Molly and I had only just become acquaintances when Kevin attacked me the second time, she didn’t know much about the past but she did know about the bar incident.

“Well…I’m glad that Hannah isn’t with him anymore.” Anna said meekly.

“Me, too.” I said, and I meant it.

“Are you going to be okay, Faith?” Zoey asked.

I sat for a moment and thought about it.

“You know, I think I am. I moved on from that a long time ago.”

We moved on to other topics after that. Zoey and Wesley are going down to Australia for Christmas and she talked about all the places they were going to see and about how nervous she is to meet his family for the first time. 

Issues

“Faith, I think you’ve been through a lot over the past 12 months. I don’t know that your moving on from everything is going to happen by a certain time. The real point is that you are making progress.”

“But…I just feel…so…lost.” I sighed.

Dr. Sheehan sat across from me in a sensible suit and pumps. She had her usual yellow legal pad in her lap and a bright blue pen in her hand as she jotted down notes during our session.

“I think anyone who has gone through what you have would feel lost and out of place.”

“But why can’t I move on from my relationship with Sean? Why is that so impossible for me?” I said getting emotional and frustrated. I pounded my fist on the armchair I was sitting on.

“Oh, I think you have moved on from that.” Dr. Sheehan said. I was a bit surprised by that.

“Really?”

“Yes. I think what you’re struggling with now is not the loss of your relationship with Sean but allowing yourself to be in a relationship that you see as healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been coming to me for well over a year now and you’ve made a lot of progress but looking over your relationships, would you say they’ve been healthy?”

I thought for a moment and then felt embarrassed because I couldn’t say a single one was a healthy relationship.

“No.” I said sheepishly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I don’t think I actively seek out unhealthy relationships, I mean, when Sean and I got together we were happy for awhile.”

“Didn’t Sean lie to you about why he wanted to post-pone having sex with you right when you began dating?”

“Yes, but that was a really personal thing for him so I understand not wanting to talk about th-”

“Didn’t he also lie to you about taking erectile dysfunction medications at one point as well?”

“Yes but he eventually told me…”

“And when he was gone on tour and came to visit you at his office didn’t he throw a tantrum in front of your co-workers?”

“Um yes,” I said meekly, “But Randy and I were happy.”

“When? When you were actively cheating on him, with Sean, or when you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him how lackluster you thought having sex with him was?”

“Ouch.” I said.

“Faith, I’m only being this aggressive with you because you’ve been seeing me for so long and I know you can handle it. It’s time to stop making excuses for your previous relationships. It’s time to recognize that you are better than that, and more importantly, that you deserve better.”

“So…do you think sleeping with Brad is just another way for me to seek out another probably unhealthy relationship?” I asked.

“I can’t really answer that for you, Faith. But what I can tell you is that you do exhibit certain patterns of behavior. This isn’t the first time you’ve slept with someone casually and had a relationship…or at least feelings develop from it. You did this with Sean and with Malcolm.”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in college and were partners in this acting class. We started sleeping together and eventually dating and he broke my heart when he graduated and moved back to London.

“Not only that, but it seems like you’re not very sure where feelings of friendship and feelings of romantic love collide. Brad isn’t the first male friend of yours that you’ve brought up in our sessions. Adam is also a male friend that you have feelings for and feel uncomfortable acting on. I think this is a significant pattern in the way you form relationships.”

“But…aren’t healthy relationships built on friendship?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Sheehan said, “but your problem is that you don’t want to build romantic relationships with men you already have strong friendships with. If you wanted your relationships to be built off of friendship, then why turn Adam down every time he expressed his interest? Why tell Brad you didn’t want to go on the date when you could have kept that to yourself? I think it’s because you don’t want a healthy relationship.”

I thought about Dr. Sheehan’s words.

“But that just seems so absurd,” I said, “Why would I want to seek out unhealthy relationships? I don’t want to ever go through what I went through with Kevin, Sean, or Randy ever again. And between you and me, I would also like to avoid ever dating a priest again, too.”

Dr. Sheehan smiled. Dating Dean and finding out he was a priest was very traumatic but now it’s something I can look back on and laugh about. Telling Dr. Sheehan about Dean and his priest confession was a fun story.

“I don’t know that you are doing it in a way that you are aware, Faith. Sometimes we do stupid things and can’t seem to figure out why afterward.”

“But that sounds like you’re telling me to go on a date with Brad or Adam.” I said with confusion.

“I’m not saying that, Faith. What I am saying is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings.”

“But I really don’t want to go out on a date with Brad or Adam. I think the whole Brad situation happened because I’ve felt so lonely and it was nice to finally have someone pay attention to me. I think I used Brad’s affection for me to make myself feel better and it would be cruel to pretend like a relationship was something I wanted with him right now.”

“Do you think you’re ready for a relationship at all?”

“I honestly don’t know. Not after this whole talk we’ve had. Maybe I should just steer clear of relationships forever.” I said dramatically.

Dr. Sheehan laughed.

“I don’t think you need to write off ever being in a relationship again, but I do think you need to start realizing that you’re worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship…for whenever you are ready for one again.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Well, have you ever actively sought out someone to date?” I gave her a confused look, “All of the men you’ve been involved with asked you out, right?”

“Um…yes.” I said thinking about it, “If you don’t consider the whole Brad mix-matched text message deal.”

“Maybe you should try asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting dates from men that seek you out.”

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Well, when a person is the one being asked out on a date, I think there’s sometimes a fear that if they don’t accept they’ll never be asked out again because they’re too picky or uptight or some other negative attribute that they ascribe to themselves. But when someone actually does the asking, there’s fear of rejection, but there’s also an element of control. You are asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting a date with someone who found you interesting based on their own preferences. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.” I said, “Same time next week?”

Dr. Sheehan nodded and said good-bye as I left her office. I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know I have a lot of issues but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I mean, at least I’m not trolling dating sites like I was right after Sean and I officially ended things. At least I’m not accepting dates from every guy who asks. Maybe I just need to get out more and meet new people.

Milestones

I found writing the letter about my feelings for Kevin to be extremely difficult simply because there’s so much for me to write and I was getting overwhelmed with it. I told Dr. Sheehan this at our next session and she helped me organize the main problems I had with the relationship and the aftermath which lead me to write a 5 page letter. Front and back. Then we burned it in her office on a metal disc and it was SO freeing. I really feel like I’ve made so much progress in therapy and that this was a huge milestone for me.

Speaking of progress, I think I might have made some on the Stormy situation at work. Veronica is still dodging me but I contacted the HR person for the news station and asked them if they would be willing to sit down with Veronica, Stormy, and I for a meeting to possibly re-negotiate his contract. They e-mailed me back almost immediately saying that they would be free to do that meeting whenever the time best suited the rest of us. Now I just have to get Veronica cornered in to a time which is obviously going to be the hardest part of this little operation of mine. I’m thinking I might be able to swing it though if I tell her I need to meet with her and make it a lunch meeting. It’s pretty unprofessional of me to schedule her for a meeting with me and invite others without telling her but she’s really given me no other options here. I sent her an e-mail requesting a lunch meeting and I’m waiting back to hear from her. I’m expecting her schedule to be pretty full so, unfortunately for Stormy, it’s probably going to be a few more weeks before we get this thing settled but at least I have a plan in place.

Zoey and I had a great night babysitting the twins. They are such AWESOME babies. They barely cried and their little baby giggles are just adorable. They have also gotten ginormous. Who knew babies grew so quickly? Anna and Theo were thankful for their night off but it was pretty obvious when they got home that that they missed Andrew and Weatherly quite a lot. When I got home to my apartment Murphy was super cuddly.

“Can you smell the babies?” I asked him, “Awww, someone is a jealous kitty. Don’t worry, Murphy, you will always be MY baby.”

I snuggled into bed with my laptop and Murphy and internet surfed for clothes and shoes until I could barely keep my eyes open. It’s been an interesting week. But! Sean should be coming home pretty soon for his longest stay yet and I’ve already started counting the days!

Moving On

I did some thinking about my conversation with Sean and the girls and decided that I need to drop the Guy thing. It’s not my place to make demands about someone else’s relationship. I really just need to let it go and move on. I called Sean but got his voicemail so I left a message apologizing and letting him know I wouldn’t bring it up again. Then I called Zoey and basically said the same thing.

“So I’m going to drop it.”

“That’s good to hear. Any particular reason why?”

“I just thought about it for awhile and decided that it was none of my business.”

“Did Dr. Sheehan help you at all?”

“She did, as did Sean. As always it seems my problems tend to revolve around Kevin and all the horrible things he put me through.” I sighed sadly.

“Faith, the guy hurt you in so many ways. He lied to you, he manipulated you, he was rude to you, he tried to get you fired, and he assaulted you. In front of your boyfriend! It’s okay to still be dealing with all of that.”

“But I don’t want to Zoey. I just want to pretend like I never met him and move on.”

“But you can’t, Faith. Our past experiences make us who we are. I look at it like this: Kevin was a bastard to you but it lead you to one of your healthiest relationships in a long time with a guy that wanted and still wants to help you get through everything.”

Zoey had a point and I changed the subject because I am so over talking about Kevin.

“So is your weekend free?” I asked.

“I think so, why?”

“I thought you and I could offer to watch the twins so Theo and Anna can go out for awhile or something.”

“That’s a great idea. I’ll order some movies on Netflix for us to watch while we are babysitting. You can bring the food.”

“Pizza?”

“Of course.”

“It’s the best food, really.”

“This is why we’re friends, Faith, you understand the truly important stuff in life.”

I laughed and we talked for a little longer before saying good-bye. I sent Anna an e-mail asking if she’d like for Zoey and I to give her and Theo a night off before settling in for the night. Dr. Sheehan recommended I write a letter to Kevin getting everything off my chest but I just ended up staring at a blank piece of paper for an hour. She said once I finished it, I should read it aloud and then burn it because she thought that might help me. Instead I took the contract Kevin signed and took it off my wall. Instead of being a symbol of the closure I got, it just became a reminder. I put it in the very back of my hall closet next to my Christmas decorations. I’ll try to write the letter tomorrow.

Getting Closer

Things with Sean have been going really well and I’ve been to see Dr. Sheehan several times since our first meeting. Right now, I got to see her two times a week and I’m not sure I’ll really post what we talk about. I mean, most of you who read this blog have already seen everything unfold over the past year and a half, anyway, so it will just be a lot of redundancy. Also, I don’t know that I want to talk about what we discuss in my sessions in general. It’s hard enough to talk about everything and I don’t really have the energy to re-hash it all over again since I usually feel really vulnerable and a little unstable emotionally after our sessions because it’s a lot harder to deal with everything than I thought it would be. At our last session I spent almost the entire time sobbing and trying to recompose myself. Dr. Sheehan said it was a good thing but it didn’t feel very good.

She did suggest something in one of our earlier sessions that I just started doing, though. We got on the topic of Kevin and how he’s been able to control my life even when he’s not in it. He’s the cause of a lot of my relationship issues with Sean, he’s the reason I am the way I am now, he’s the reason I have a hard time trusting Sean, he’s the reason I’m so damn mad. Dr. Sheehan suggested that I frame the contract he signed because it’s a symbol for me breaking the control he had over me for so long. At first, I thought it would just remind me of everything but I hung it in my hallway a few days ago and I think it’s helping.

Sean saw it hanging up yesterday and I knew he wanted to say something about it but was internally debating over whether he should.

“I know it’s bothering you.” I said in a sing-song type voice while we were making lasagna in the kitchen.

“Yeah, it is.” He said shaking his head and smiling a little.

“It was a suggestion by Dr. Sheehan. It’s been helping a little bit.”

“What’s it supposed to do?”

“Remind me that Kevin no longer has control over my life. And never will again.”

“Oh. I guess I can see that.” He said laying down another layer of lasagna sheets.

“I was skeptical at first but it seems to be a good coping tool.”

“Well, that’s all that matters to me, then.” Sean kissed my hair before putting the lasagna in the oven.

We waited for the lasagna to cook after we prepped the garlic bread and sat in my living room. I was sitting on Sean’s lap. Sean is doing really well with being more affectionate since our conversation and I’m really happy about it. Although I’ve noticed that he does get nervous and is reluctant to do more than make out for a few minutes, which I’m okay with for now. I’ve realized in my sessions with Dr. Sheehan that I’m not ready to have sex yet and that I kept seeing having sex as a signal for being completely healed which is why I’ve been trying to rush it. Having sex isn’t the end goal and sign of being completely healed; it’s just a step (albeit a big one) of the healing process. Look at me, being so healthfully aware of my needs and progress! Therapy must be working.

“Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”

“It does.” He said, “But if it’s something that helps you, maybe it can help me come to terms, too.”

“We’ve been invited to Anna’s baby shower.” I said after a comfortable silence.

“Isn’t that usually a girl's-only thing?” Sean asked with a confused look.

“I thought so, too, but Anna said she doesn’t want Theo to be bored and thought she’d invite you and some of his other friends to keep him company in the basement. They have a big screen TV down there, so it won’t be too bad.”

“Alright.” Sean said shrugging, “What does one usually bring to a baby shower?”

“I’ll get the gift, you can probably just bring a six pack and head down stairs while we try to guess how many toilet paper squares will fit around Anna’s belly.”

“Is that a real game?”

“Yeah, the trick is to guess a smaller number. People tend to overshoot it.”

We decided to go for a walk after dinner around the neighborhood. It was snowing lightly so we stopped and got hot chocolates from a coffee shop to keep us warm as we walked. I really enjoyed it. It felt like we were on a date and spending some great quality time with each other. It’s been ages since I felt as happy as I did last night and I’m hoping things keep getting better and Sean keeps being open with me.

Rockz

As soon as I got back to my apartment I had three missed calls from Sean and one voicemail:

“Look, I’m sorry. I was just mad. Call me back; I’m sorry about how I reacted.”

I was still wiping tears from my eyes and might have yelled back at my phone after listening to his voicemail when I realized I had a call waiting.

“Hello?”

“Hey Faith!”

“Hi Anna.” I said trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

“My baby shower is coming up and I wanted to know if I should send you and Sean separate invitations.”

“Oh, uh, aren’t baby showers generally ‘no boys allowed’ type of events?”

“Yeah, but I figured if I invited some guys, Theo won’t feel so left out or bored. He’ll at least be able to watch football with Sean in the basement or something.”

“I think if you just send me the invitation for both of us, it’ll be fine.” I said trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible without Anna thinking something was wrong.

“Okay…well I’ll call you later.” Anna’s voice sounded like she knew something was up but, thankfully, she didn’t press it and let me go.

I collapsed onto my bed and continued to cry until Murphy reminded me that he was hungry and needed food immediately. I dragged myself to the kitchen and fed him before realizing I was starving. Rather than cook myself something I wanted greasy comfort food. I kept looking at my phone and decided to call Zoey.

“What’re you up to?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just got back from seeing a movie with Wesley.”

“Oh.”

“Why? What’s up.”

“Are you hungry?”

“I could eat.”

“I need to talk to someone. And shove comfort food into my mouth.”

“Okay, well, there’s this diner near my apartment.”

“Perfect.”

“I’ll come pick you up. You want to have a sleep over?”

“Yes.”

I packed an overnight bag, said goodbye to Murphy, and piled into Zoey’s car. We arrived at the diner in about 15 minutes and I ordered a pot roast platter with mashed potatoes, gravy, and dinner rolls, a side of French fries, a grilled cheese, and a piece of chocolate pie for dessert. Zoey ordered a French dip and a piece of red velvet cake. She tried to hide her shock at how much food I ordered but was still caught off guard.

“What happened?” She asked once our waitress left.

“I don’t even know anymore. Sean and I do nothing but fight and I don’t know how we got here. I feel like we do nothing but try at this relationship. Maybe we’re just not compatible?”

“What do you mean, you guys were doing really well before.”

“He’s having a hard time dealing with what happened to me that night with Kevin. I think he’s blaming me for it, Zoey. I really opened up to him tonight and he blew me off. We promised to be more communicative but he’s still SO pissed at me for the Gerry and Kevin stuff. I don’t know what to do. I really screwed things up.”

“What do you mean he blew you off?”

“I told him that I wanted to-”

Just then our food came and I waited for the waitress to leave.

“I told him that I wanted to have sex with him and he refused. He told me he didn’t want me to have another panic attack and I-”

“Wait, what?” Zoey said nearly dropping her sandwich.

I realized I hadn’t really told Zoey anything about what happened with Kevin that night or with the lawyers not to mention the whole conversation with Sean that eventually lead to us trying to have sex and my panic attack. I updated her on all of it and by the end I was crying like a baby without regard to anyone else. I’m pretty sure I saw our waitress start waking over to our table, look at me, and then decide to leave about three different times. It was the first time I actually told anyone but the police what Kevin had done to me that night.

“Oh, Faith…”

“B-but I told him that I f-felt like he was punishing me for what Kevin d-did and he just asked if we could w-w-watch the movie, that’s when I left.”

I started shoving inordinate amounts of food into my mouth while Zoey waved the waitress over.

“We’re going to need a platter of cheese fries and two strawberry milkshakes.”

The waitress looked at me before nodding and headed towards the kitchen. I looked at Zoey with thankful eyes and we ate in a comfortable, knowing silence until the waitress came back with our extra food. She cleared away the plates I had basically licked clean and refilled our drinks before we resumed our conversation.

“I just don’t know what to do Zoey. I don’t think Sean loves me anymore and I’m starting to wonder if I love him. I’m so sick of feeling like the bad guy in this relationship!”

“Do you want to be with him, Faith, is this relationship worth how you’re feeling.”

“You know, my dad basically asked me as much.”

“Well? Is it?”

“I honestly don’t know. I’m so frustrated and confused. I feel like if we could just get past all of this we would be great together, but I don’t know if Sean can get past what Kevin did to me.”

“Have you considered couples counseling?” Zoey asked as she dipped her sandwich.

“No. I thought seeing Dr. Sheehan would have been enough, but it’s obviously not.”

“Well, you’ve only had your one session with her, maybe if Sean sees your commitment to healing he’ll also be more open to healing.”

I let that sit for awhile and continued to shove food into my mouth like a starving animal.

“You don’t like him very much, do you, Zoey?” I asked taking a giant bite of dinner roll.

“It’s not that I don’t like him, I don’t like what he’s doing to you. He’s letting the insecurity he feels about your relationship to make you feel bad about everything. I don’t like that he’s doing that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious that Sean is an insecure guy and I think he’s probably wondering if maybe you enjoyed what happened with Kevin. Sean is easily threatened and he overreacts when he’s insecure, I think his current behavior is caused by his insecurity and since he can’t punish Kevin like he wanted to, he’s punishing you for not punishing Kevin the way Sean wanted you to.”

“You should be a psychologist.” I said starting on my pie and milkshake.

“I do what I can. I’d never charge you, if I was, just so you know.”

I giggled at Zoey’s joke.

“Are you going to call him?”

“Not tonight. I think I’ll just go over there and skip the phone call. I’m not really looking forward to it, though. We fight so much that this is a regular occurrence so I know how uncomfortable it’s going to be but I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. He’s the one that needs to apologize. Having sex is going to be part of your healing process, Faith, and if Sean isn’t willing to support you or your needs while you move from being a victim to a survivor then I think you might need to think about going on a break. I mean, you’ve supported him throughout your relationship constantly, the least he could do is support you when you need him the most.”

“You’re right. You’re always right. Zoey: my rock.”

We finished dinner and then went to Zoey’s place where we watched horrible reality television and eventually went to bed at an obscene hour. She dropped me off at work this morning and I feel like I’m a little clearer about how I feel about Sean and our relationship and I’m planning on going to talk to Sean tonight after he gets done with work.

Shrunk

I got to Dr. Deerhorn’s office and signed in but the secretary she had some bad news.

“Dr. Deerhorn’s daughter went into labor today so he isn’t seeing patients. However, Dr. Sheehan has offered to see his patients today. He left me a note for you to let you know that he actually recommends you see Dr. Sheehan instead of him, but if you’re not comfortable with that, I can reschedule you.”

I decided to meet with Dr. Sheehan since Dr. Deerhorn recommended him so I filled out my preliminary paperwork, turned it in, and waited. The secretary took me back to an office filled with earth tones and a soothing light. It smelled like roses and the chairs were made of soft leather.

“Dr. Sheehan will be here in a moment, please make yourself comfortable.”

The secretary closed the door and I stood in the office awkwardly. There was a chaise lounge among various chairs and I wondered if I was going to be expected to lay down during my session. I decided to sit in a chair instead because laying down just seemed strange. I wonder if Sean lays down during his sessions. Dr. Sheehan came into the room after a few moments and I was surprised because Dr. Sheehan is a woman!

“Faith, welcome. My name is Leslie Sheehan, you can call me by my first name or whatever makes you more comfortable.” She shook my hand as I took in her appearance. She’s a thin, blonde woman and was dressed in black slacks and a plum sweater. She didn’t look like a stereotypical therapist and I was kind of relieved by that.

“Thank you.”

“Dr. Deerhorn updated me on your case. This is your first visit, right?”

“Yes. Is there a reason he recommended you for me?” I asked out of curiosity.

“Well, it says in your paperwork that you’re here because you had a panic attack.”

“Oh, so you focus on anxiety issues?”

“No, Faith, I specialize in sexual assault and post-traumatic stress disorder.” She cocked her head to the side and studied my reaction.

“O-oh.” I said, shocked, “I wasn’t raped.”

“Mmm.”

She looked down at my file to see if she had misread Dr. Deerhorn’s notes.

“Would like to see your file?” She asked.

I nodded and she handed it to me. Dr. Deerhorn’s hand writing looks like a toddler’s but I was able to make out “induced panic attack” and “sexually assaulted; triggered”.

“What does triggered mean?” I asked looking up from my file.

“A trigger is something that can cause a symptom of PTSD or an overwhelming emotional response. It can be anything. A smell, a touch, a song.”

“Oh.” I handed the file back to her.

“Do you want to talk about the panic attack you had?”

“I’m not sure if there’s much to say.”

“Well, what did it feel like?”

“Hell.” I wiped my hands on my knees because I was suddenly nervous, “I couldn’t breathe, my boyfriend said I kept apologizing, and I was shaking.”

“Do you know what caused it?”

“You mean what triggered it?” I asked. In hindsight I don’t know why I became so cheeky, I think it was a defense mechanism.

She smiled and might even have laughed too quietly for me to hear, “Sure.”

“My boyfriend…um…we were,” I started turning red and couldn’t finish the sentence. I looked down at my hands which were playing with my shirt at that point.

“I know it seems embarrassing, Faith, but you should know that I won’t judge you here.”

“He tried to take my jeans off and I freaked out.”

“According to your file you weren’t raped.”

“No, I wasn’t. My boyfriend beat the shit out of the guy before he had the chance.”

“Good.” I looked up from my hands, surprised. Dr. Sheehan had a content look on her face and raised her eyebrows at my surprise.

I realized that she specializes in treating sexual assault victims and has probably heard a lot worse than what happened to me. It made me like her more; it can’t be easy to hear women describe their rapes day in and day out.

“It was an ex-boyfriend.” I said, “He was drunk.”

“Which time?”

Our eyes met and I realized she knew more about my assault than I realized. I only glanced at my chart but it was all in there.

“Both?”

“You seemed pretty okay after the first time, right?”

“I didn’t have a panic attack, if that’s what you’re asking.” I got really defensive and sounded like an angry teenager. I’m embarrassed by my behavior in hindsight. I crossed my arms and sat back in the chair.

“What are your goals for therapy, Faith?” Dr. Sheehan showed no signs of annoyance at my behavior.

The question caught me off guard, “What?”

“What do you want to get out of this?”

“I want to communicate my needs better and I want to be able to have sex again without throwing up in a paper bag or sobbing hysterically.”

“And?” I looked at Dr. Sheehan with a confused set of eyes. She set aside my file on an end table and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

“How do you feel about what happened to you?”

“Pissed. I’m angry because I finally got Kevin to leave me alone but he’s still controlling my life and causing problems with Sean. I wanted freedom and he took that away from me, so I’m pissed.”

“If you want to do therapy, I can help you feel like you have control over your life again along with the goals you outlined. The thing is your goals aren’t going to come until I help you get your control back.”

“Okay.”

We talked about some more logistical things, like how often I’ll see her and how long we think I’ll be in therapy, if I want to try medication (I don’t) and other boring things. I like Dr. Sheehan and I made a personal note to myself to not be so full of ‘tude the next time I visit her.

Full Circle

After another day of me sulking at Zoey’s place I reluctantly decided it was time for me to go back to my apartment. It’s been longer than a month since someone broke in. It was time for me to get it together and grow up a little. Zoey loves me and I know she would never kick me out but I know having me live with her off and on like this over these past few weeks was starting to grate on her privacy. I thanked Zoey before she left and promised to hang out with her and Anna some time, and maybe even invite Molly.

As I settled in to do a little bit of work that I had neglected while my life was collapsing around me, Murphy played around on the floor. It took me a few seconds to recognize my phone vibrating next to me. It was my mom. I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t really want to listen to her gush about how excited she was to meet Sean and then listen to her accuse me of being the reason he wouldn’t be flying home with me.

It’s weird. I don’t really know how to feel about this most recent fight with Sean. I’m so confused about everything and I’ve been second-guessing everything. Should I have said “screw it” and taken it to court just to lose like Shelby said I would? Was the principle of the thing…that Kevin should be punished in a court of law… was that what Sean was more upset about? But that would never happen, my case would get thrown out or I would be slandered as a whore who was asking for it! It would never have ended in punishment for Kevin. I was right to take the deal. But Sean didn’t think so…

My thoughts had been going nonstop like this since I got home. The silence was driving me nuts. Then my phone started buzzing again and I angrily answered it.

“I don’t want to talk right now mom!”

Silence was on the other end.

“…It’s me.”

“Oh.” I said quietly. Sean’s voice sounded tired.

“Do you want to get coffee somewhere? Talk.”

Images flashed through my head of the last time I met a boyfriend in a coffee shop. It was Kevin and we broke up. I swallowed hard, not wanting that to be what happened with Sean.

“I’m home right now.”

“No. I want to meet somewhere neutral to both of us.”

“If you’re going to break up with me, Sean, just do it. I don’t need it t-to be face to face.” I tried to keep my voice even but it wavered at the very end.

“Do you want to break up? Because I don’t. I just want to talk about…about how we….how I left things. But if you don’t want to be with me anymore, then I guess that’s what we’ll do.”

“I don’t. Where?”

“There’s a place near your house, the one we took your brother and Shannon to. I’m already there.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

I hung up the phone and then immediately became self conscious of how I looked. I hadn’t even tried to keep my personal appearance acceptable unless I had to work, and even then it wasn’t even a very good attempt. My hair was a mess and I had bags under my eyes which looked even worse since my eyes were puffy from crying so much. I ran a brush through my hair and hid the bags with some foundation before giving up and leaving for the coffee shop.

He was sitting in a corner with two cups of coffee for us. I noticed the coffees were in to-go cups in case things went south and one or both of us left. I hesitated before sitting down, he hadn’t noticed me enter, or maybe he did and just pretended not to in order to give me a chance to change my mind. He seemed almost surprised when I slid into the booth opposite him.

“Thanks…for meeting me.” He said looking down and slowly spinning his cup around on the table top.

“Sure.” I said feeling incredibly awkward.

We were both looking at our coffee cups, unwilling to say anything. I took the contract Kevin had signed and laid it on the table.

“This is the deal I made. It’s a legally binding contract. He can’t break it or he risks going to jail…for real.” I said, adding emphasis on “for real”.

Sean read it quietly and then slowly pushed it back towards me.

“I don’t really know how to feel about all of this. How am I supposed to be okay with the fact that he’s probably laughing about what he did to you and how he got away with it?”

“You don’t have to like it, Sean, but you do have to accept it. I dropped the charges because I love you and I don’t want to be the reason you go to jail or can’t play your music. You protected me,” I reached across the table and touched his hands lightly with mine, we looked at each other for the first time since I sat down, “and this was the only way for me to return the favor. I will never be able to thank you for pulling him off of me.”

“You love me, still, huh?” Sean said more to himself than me. He ran his thumb over my hand.

“I do,” I said pulling my hands away, “But I know it’s no surprise that I haven’t been very happy lately and neither have you. It feels like we fight all the time and when we aren’t fighting, we aren’t talking about anything that matters. What happened to us?”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head sadly, “I was so much more open with you and I felt like we really communicated and then I found out how much you weren’t telling me and I think I got defensive and started doing the same. I want to go back to before, but I don’t know how.”

I let what Sean said sink in. The damage I had caused from not telling him about Gerry was still alive and well.

“But you know why I didn’t tell you. I wanted to protect you. I thought if I just waited Gerry out, things would be fine. You guys were having so many problems and Gerry made it very clear that I was the reason…that he wouldn’t have been so controlling if you’d never-”

Sean stopped me by reaching across and grabbing my hands.

“I do know, but…” Sean was at a loss for words.

“What can we do? Is it fixable? How can I fix this?”

His eyes were full of pain, seeing how desperate I was to fix things. I could see him trying to think of something, anything to make me feel better, but he just shook his head when he couldn’t think of anything.

“Sean, do you know why I agreed to go on a date with you?” I asked him quietly.

“No.”

“Because you were willing to fix me. I was so…broken after Kevin. I was so hurt and betrayed and unwilling to trust anyone and you were the complete opposite of him. You are still the complete opposite of him. And I know that you don’t want to hear me compare you to my ex-boyfriend but it’s the truth. I don’t think very many people would have looked at me, seen me have a breakdown in a hotel room, looked at all of my baggage and taken that step to care about me the way you did. But you did and I am so lucky for it.” Tears were sliding down my face by the time I finished and Sean was sniffling.

“You fixed me too, Faith. I’m in therapy, now.”

Sean and I were at a stalemate. Neither one of us knew what to say.

“Can we try to start over? Reconnect?” I asked after I couldn’t take the painful silence again.

“I don’t think I can start over with you, for one I can’t afford the hotel bills.” We both laughed meekly at his joke, “But we can go slow and try to rebuild. I want to fight for what we have.”

“Me too.” I said.

After a small pause, I collected the contract and my coffee and got up to leave. Sean followed me out and walked me back to my apartment. We stood there like awkward teenagers, unsure of what to do.

“Do you want to come up? Murphy misses you. He’s been so confused with all of this moving around.” I tried to make a joke but neither of us really felt like laughing.

Sean thought for a moment and ultimately decided he would come up for a few minutes, as a good will gesture of effort towards rebuilding our relationship. I was sort of relieved because it felt like Sean was done punishing me for lying about Gerry…absolving me of all the things I’d done wrong to get us to this place. I think he knows, though, that we got here because of his actions just as much as mine…it takes two people to be in a relationship. When Sean decided to come up the slate was wiped clean and I felt hopeful that we could do this.

We sat on the couch talking for awhile while Sean stroked Murphy’s belly, we even laughed a few times. It was nice but Sean eventually got up to leave and I stood up to send him off. He went in to lightly kiss me good-bye but something came over both of us. I realized how long it had been since we’d had sex (almost a month) and I wanted Sean’s body against mine with such ferocity that I don’t even remember how we ended up back on the couch with me straddling him. He had me pulled against him with one hand on the small of my back and the other tangled in my hair. I frantically took my shirt off, not wanting my mouth to part from his, and then started unzipping his hoodie and moving it off his arms. I could feel just how into everything Sean was from the pressure that had appeared between my legs and slid my hands down to unzip his jeans. He let out a few stifled moans and whispered my name a few times once I got my hand to the right place. Everything was so animalistic and intense but then it went horribly wrong.

Sean went to unzip my jeans and I immediately started having a panic attack. I was having flashes of the night with Kevin and felt so scared and afraid. I froze and couldn’t seem to catch my breath. Sean didn’t realize what was happening at first because we were both breathing so hard at that point but knew something was wrong because I was so stiff.

“Faith?” He asked out of breath, “Faith are you okay?”

I shook my head because talking was impossible. He helped me stand up and then found a paper bag to help regulate my breathing. After a few minutes I was able to drink some water, but I had to go back to the bag. It felt like hours before my breathing was under my own control again but Sean never left my side, he held my hand and patted my hair and hugged me close the whole time. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I knew this was definitely something of that sort. I had trouble walking without getting out of breath and a few times I threw up the water I had been drinking. I don’t know when I started crying but Sean helped me with that, too, wiping away my tears with a tissue and making sure I blew my nose. At some point he helped me into bed and I just laid there in his arms listening to his steady heart beat. The irony of having a breakdown right before we started dating and having another one right after we agreed to try and rebuild our relationship was not lost on me. We’d come full circle.

Not so Great Good-Bye

I couldn’t wait to get back to Sean’s apartment to let him know how things went. A weight had been lifted on my shoulders and I was sure Sean would feel relieved, too, even though he’s been trying really hard to hide his anxiety from me. I walked into his apartment as light as air and fueled by happiness. He was in his bedroom getting ready to go to a gig.

“Hey!” I said swooping in to give him a hug from behind.

“Hey.” He said turning around and kissing my forehead, “How’d it go?”

“Better than expected. You don’t have to worry about anything anymore.”

Sean pulled away from me with a look of confusion on his face, “What does that mean?”

“Kevin is going to drop the charges he’s pressing against you.”

Sean’s eyes closed slowly before muttering a few obscenities.

“It’s okay, Sean. I know how worried you were about affording lawyer’s fees and going to jail. I know, we don’t have to keep pretending everything is fine anymore, because everything is fine. I fixed it.”

Sean scoffed and crossed his arms which wiped the hopeful smile off my face.

“And what was the deal, Faith?”

“I dropped the charges.”

“Of course you did.” Sean sneered.

I backed away from Sean and blinked. I couldn’t believe how upset he was about this.

“There was no way he was going to go to jail, Sean. I got the best deal I could.” I reached for the contract from my purse to show Sean but he walked by me and into the living room without a care.

“Don’t walk away from me, Sean! I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.” I said following him.

“You want to know why I’m pissed, Faith?” He spun around and shouted, “FINE. You let everyone treat you like a damn doormat and I’m sick of it! Kevin. Gerry. Elise. Everyone takes advantage of you and you just let them. Gerry- unpunished. Kevin- unpunished twice. Elise- unpunished more times than I can count. I pulled that asshole off of you in the nick of time and you just let him walk. Excuse me if I’m just a little disgusted by it.”

I was frozen in the door frame of Sean’s bedroom trying to make sense of what he was saying as he shouted at me. I kept shaking my head because his anger was so unexpected.

“But…th-this morning. You were going to ask me to get him to drop the charges against you, I knew you were going to say it but backed out at the last minute. I thought you c-couldn’t bring yourself to ask me.”

Sean made an exasperated sound.

“No I wasn’t! I was going to say the exact opposite. That I didn’t want you to drop the charges just for me!”

“Sean, you have to understand that this was the best deal for everyone.”

“Except you. It was certainly the best deal for him, though. I got somewhere to be.” He said grabbing his jacket and guitar from the hallway closet and heading towards the door.

“Sean, please don’t go. We need to talk about this.” I said putting my hand on his shoulder to stop him.

He turned around, his eyes were extremely angry.

“I don’t really want to do that right now. I have to go…and I don’t want to see you again tonight.”

“Are…are you kicking me out of your apartment?” I asked, utterly shocked at how quickly things had gone downhill.

“No. I’m telling you I’m not coming back here tonight and I’m not sure when I will be back. I don’t want to you to call my phone obsessively like you did before.”

I was stung by that last comment and the dam of emotions that had been building inside me finally spilled out in righteous anger.

“No. No, you know what Sean? I’ll save Lou or Guy’s couch from your bad attitude and determination to be a martyr. I’m leaving. I’ll be gone before you get home.”

Sean slammed the door without even acknowledging what I just said but I was so angry that I couldn’t muster a good response. The gravity of what we said to each other rushed over me but I shook the feelings of pity off and called Zoey.

“I need you to come get me. I’m leaving but I’m not ready to go back to my apartment, yet.”

“Oh, okay. I’m on my way.” Zoey sounded distracted and wasn’t pressing for information on why I was leaving and then I felt bad.

“You’re with Wesley, aren’t you?” I sighed.

“Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. We’re on our way.” Zoey hung up before I had the sense to ask her what she meant by “We’re” but I was too upset to care at that point and angrily began collecting my things.

Once I was packed for what seemed like the millionth time since my apartment was broken into, Zoey arrived with Wesley. They helped me load up her car with all of my stuff and Murphy and then repeated the whole routine once we got to her place. I thanked both of them before locking myself and Murphy in her spare bedroom and collapsing into a sobbing mess on the bed. It’s been three days and Sean hasn’t attempted to call me since he stormed out. I haven’t called him, either.

Justice?

Sean walked me to my lawyer’s office about an hour before my mediation with Kevin. He wasn’t very talkative as we walked and I was rambling on about something stupid that I can’t even remember. When we got to the doors things got kind of awkward.

“Do you want to come up?” I asked after he lingered there for awhile.

“No, I’ve gotta go talk to Lou about something….unless you want me to stay.”

Sean sort of caught me off guard. It sounded like he was asking me permission and I didn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t have a problem with Sean being there but I knew Kevin would be there and it just seemed like it would make the lack of communication we’ve been experiencing worse. I tried to give him the opportunity to decide for himself.

“You can stay if that thing with Lou isn’t important.”

Sean paused and took in my answer.

“…I should talk to Lou.” He said starting to walk away.

“Bye.” I said before he was too far away.

I turned to walk through the doors- “Hey Faith?”

I turned around and Sean was looking at me his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah?”

“…good luck.”

Before I could respond, Sean walked away. I had an overwhelming feeling he was going to say something else and I was kicking myself for not going after him as I walked off the elevator to go meet with my lawyer, Shelby.

“Hey,” she said warmly as she offered me some coffee.

“Hi.” I said sitting down in a squashy arm chair across from her. There was a coffee table between us and her office was very sleek and modern looking. It sort of reminded me of mine, with the large panel windows and sleek accents, but her office was dripping in rich earth tones and dark wood. The carpet was a nice, professional gray and there were various plants and decorations to give it a relaxed feel.

“So, Faith, I just wanted to invite you here to kind of prep you for how things will be today.”

“Okay,” I said dumping some creamer in my coffee.

Shelby reviewed my case with me and asked questions to help clarify about the events and then her demeanor changed. It was shockingly gentle.

“Because of the nature of what happened, Faith, I think I need to prepare you for Kevin’s lawyer’s questions and strategy.”

“Okay.” I said with trepidation putting my cup of coffee down.

Shelby opened her mouth to speak but an intercom on her desk interrupted her.

“Mr. Cartwright and his client are here.”

“Damn. They’re early. Can you settle them in the conference room? We’ll meet them in a minute.”

“Yes ma’am.” And the intercom clicked off. She turned her sights back to me.

“I just want you to make sure you have your demands ready and I don’t want you to be discouraged if you don’t get all of them met.”

She was choosing her words very carefully but before I could respond she started shuffling out of her office. I followed and then stopped cold. Hannah was sitting in the waiting area and her face was fixed with an icy glare in my direction. Shelby noticed I had stopped and turned around to look at me. I had to tell her about the history Kevin and I had prior to today so she could further understand my case and she slowly put two and two together.

“Come on, Faith, we don’t want to be late.” She put her hand on my shoulder and gently guided me to the conference room while simultaneously trying to block my view of Hannah with her body.

The shock of seeing Kevin for the first time since the night in the bar was also unexpected but I took a second to recompose myself and began walking to the conference table. From the door I could see Kevin’s injuries still evident on his face from Sean’s attack. The bruises around his eyes were yellow and green and the cut on his lip had a stitch in it. It also looked like he’d gotten some teeth work done. He smiled at me and it made my stomach churn. It was a hungry, disgusting smile that took in my entire body as I sat across from him and I found it impossible to stop the spread of revulsion quickly covering my face. I took in Kevin’s lawyer quickly. He was wearing a suit that was a shade brighter than navy with a garish gold watch and his hair was dark on the sides but graying on the top. Frankly, he stunk of money and seemed to imbue all of the privilege and snobbery of the clients he serves. He probably fits in perfectly at their exorbitant parties that serve only to congratulate each other on their bank accounts. I hated him instantly.

Shelby sat next to me and didn’t waste a second getting down to business.

“You’ve looked at the case, Dick?” She asked Mr. Cartwright.

“I have. There really isn’t one.”

I was taken aback by his comment but covered my shocked expression as he leaned back in his chair like he owned the place.

“Well, we think there is. Would you like to discuss a compromise for your client first?”

“Sure. 500 hours of community service and he pays her $1,000...for damages.”

“Excuse me?” I say.

I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out in anger.

“He tried to rape me. I don’t want money! I want his ass in jail!”

To my complete and utter disgust, Kevin and his lawyer started laughing like I told the funniest joke ever. I looked at Shelby with rage clouding my vision. She stood up immediately, walked to the door, and opened it.

“Gentlemen, could you give me a moment with my client.”

Kevin and his lawyer walked out trying to stifle their giggles as Shelby walked over to sit next to me.

“Why are they laughing at me?” I practically shouted at her.

Shelby took a moment, it was clear she was trying to find a good way to phrase her next sentence.

“Faith, it’s nearly impossible to get a rapist convicted, let alone attempted rapists. Asking for jail time for what he did is never going to happen.”

I blinked at Shelby’s bluntness.

“Shelby, this isn’t the first time he’s sexually assaulted me. I need to be protected from him showing up again and actually raping me!” My voice started to become hysterical and shrill at the possibility of Kevin ever coming back into my life after today.

“Faith, take a deep breath, please.” She poured me a glass of water and handed it to me before she continued, “I understand that, I do, but if we try and take this to court, Dick is going to get the previous sexual assault dismissed as evidence because you never pressed charges. He’ll also claim that because you two were in a relationship that ended badly, you’re lying about this assault. He’ll slander you and ask you invasive questions about your sex life, life if you like dominance. And he won’t just ask you, he’ll make Sean testify about your sex life, interview your friends to see if you’ve ever expressed interest in a anything kinky. He’ll ask you what you were wearing, if you have ever fantasized about Kevin, imply that you were pissed off about the wedding invitation and are just lying about this assault happening to get back at Kevin because you’re jealous he’s not marrying you. He’ll bring Hannah into this and destroy your character completely and you will walk away with nothing but emotional distress and possibly some relationship problems with your boyfriend.”

I gaped at her with the glass in my hand before I became enraged.

“So you’re saying this is my fault because I was in a relationship with Kevin!? That’s what all of this stems from!”

“No, Faith, it’s not your fault. It’s the fault of a society that gives privileged men like Kevin a pass, slut shames and victim blames women who have been assaulted or who admit they enjoy sex except for that time they were raped, or by telling women that being drunk and being raped isn’t actually rape. It’s the fault of male privilege and rape culture that vilifies women who accuse someone of rape. This is not your fault, it’s society’s.”

I looked at Shelby for a moment before I lost all hope. She was sympathetic to my experience but she was being realistic and I wasn’t. All of my fight left me and I was on the verge of tears.

“Then why are we even bothering with this mediation? Why didn’t you just let a judge throw out the case?”

“Because, Faith, I’m used to working with Dick and his clients. All hope is not lost. Kevin is part of the old money society, now that he’s married to old money. A public rape charge and court battle would be the scandal of the century even if your case would eventually get thrown out and it would ruin everything for Kevin and his pretty new wife, who I’m sure has no idea what this mediation is actually about.”

“So…what are you thinking?”

“Well, we aren’t going to get jail time, but if there’s something else you want we might be able to get this mediation going.”

“I never want him near me again and I never want him to send me anything ever again. I want absolutely no contact ever.”

“Done.”

“And I want him to drop the charges he’s pressing against Sean.”

“I think we can get that. Anything else?”

I thought about this for a moment.

“I want a written apology…to me and Sean, and I want him to sign a contract promising everything- dropping the charges, no contact, everything. A legally binding contract that I can bring to court and have his ass punished if he doesn’t abide by it.”

“Okay then.”

Shelby gives me an impressed look before asking me if it’s okay to bring Kevin and his lawyer back in. I nod and within seconds Kevin is sitting across from me again. Shelby slowly starts to read off my demands and Kevin begins to look green. I can tell the worst part about my list of demands for him was probably the written apology and I feel like having him drop the charges against Sean was his plan all along in exchange for me dropping the charges against him and I’m okay with that. It allows me to protect Sean from the stress and worry this has been causing him.

After Shelby lays out my demands and explains how the contract will work, Mr. Cartwright leans over to Kevin and they quietly discuss their options. Shelby and I can’t hear what is said but Kevin nods in defeat and a notary is called to draw up the contract I wanted. It takes about 30 minutes for Shelby, the notary, and Mr. Cartwright to hammer out a contract. The notary certifies two contracts and the two of us sign both of them while they witness it. I’m given a copy and so is Kevin and he goes to leave. I’m left with Shelby.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You sound pretty down.” She said.

“It just doesn’t really seem like justice was served. He’s just going to find someone else to manipulate and treat like garbage.”

“Well, maybe that doesn’t have to be his wife…”

I look at Shelby as she gives me a small smirk. I shake my head because I don’t understand what she means.

“You didn’t sign a confidentiality agreement, which means you’re free to discuss his actions to anyone you might choose. Anyone.” Shelby winks at me, waves good-bye, and then leaves for her office.

I contemplate her suggestion and I put myself in Hannah’s shoes. It seems like such a cruel thing to do. I leave the conference room to find Shelby’s waiting room empty. Kevin and Hannah are long gone and I wipe my hands clean of everything. When I get into the main entry way of the building I’m in I decide to go into the bathroom and when I come out of my stall Hannah is standing in front of a mirror applying lipstick. Our eyes meet as soon as I open it and the hatred behind hers begins to bore into me. I calmly walk to a sink and begin washing my hands and we icily stand in each other’s presence. I dry my hands and go to leave but turn and look at her.

“I know he probably told you something else, but he tried to rape me the night of his bachelor’s party. The only reason he didn't succeed was because of my boyfriend. He gave him all of those bruises. If it were me, I’d want to know.” And I walked out with the sound of my shoes echoing off the tile.

Kevin was standing near the information desk on his cell phone laughing. He saw me leaving the bathroom and I made sure to make eye contact with him. He stopped laughing and shifted his gaze a few feet behind me towards the bathroom, then looked back at me.

I smirked and lifted an eyebrow as I sauntered out of the exit; I could feel him watching me as I left.

Devolving

Over the past few days I’ve met with a lawyer to pursue pressing charges against Kevin and it looks like we’ve set a “mediation” appointment with him and his lawyer when he gets back from his honeymoon to see if we can reach an agreement without having to go through a trial or something really time consuming. To be completely honest, I really don’t know how I want Kevin to be punished, I just want him to be punished. I was walking to Sean’s apartment to tell him that everything was set but I picked up a newspaper on the way. When I opened it in the elevator there was a picture of Kevin and Hannah on their wedding day in the wedding announcement section. She looked gorgeous in a designer dress and there was an article underneath the picture that talked mostly about her big-wig job as a fashion consultant and her family’s money. Kevin is definitely on easy street now that they’re married; too bad he had two black eyes and a swollen lip in the picture. Heh. I couldn’t wait to show Sean, he’d probably find it as amusing as I did.

When I got to Sean’s apartment I heard him talking in his bedroom so I fed Murphy and then sat in the living room reading other sections of the newspaper. I could sort of hear what Sean was saying and I didn’t purposefully mean to eavesdrop but it was almost impossible not to.

“Man, what am I going to do? I don’t have the money for a lawyer. I’m going to end up in jail, Lou!”

I, honestly, was shocked. Sean had been playing it really cool for the past few days once the initial shock of being served had subsided. I thought he was handling things but I was wrong.

“I can’t go to jail, Lou! It will ruin my life; I’ll have to stop playing music-”

“Don’t be ridiculous, the band can’t wait for me if I’m convicted, we’re just starting to get some awesome reviews and opportunities. Plus, this guy s out to get me, man, he’s going to demand I serve time, I just know it.”

There was a long pause.

“No. No, absolutely NOT. I am NOT calling Paul. No way, man. I don’t need him to come and bail me out, just because he’s my brother doesn’t mean he’s going to do this pro-bono.”

“I think we should probably start looking for a new guitar player, to be honest. I’ll let you know what happens, but I gotta go.”

A few seconds later Sean opened his bedroom door and acted like he was completely fine. I tried to look like I was nonchalant and absorbed with the paper.

“Hey, you.” I said as he kissed my forehead and sat next to me.

“How’s the noggin?” He asked.

“Better, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health at my check-up today. You have to see this,” I said handing the paper to him with the picture of Kevin and Hannah on it.

Sean smiled and then took out the music section of the paper before handing it back to me. I let silence fall between us to see if Sean would say anything about the phone call to Lou but it didn’t seem like he was going to. I don’t think he knew I overheard him.

“So, how is everything going?” I tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible.

“Fine. Karen was able to do damage control and get us a few more gigs at that bar as well as some others at larger venues. It’s weird; she used the whole incident to kind of build up our cred as musicians but also downplayed it so we weren’t seen as a bunch of monsters.”

“That’s good,” I said, unsure of what to say without giving everything away.

We sat there and read the paper together until Sean had to go to another gig. I waited until he was gone before over analyzing everything and freaking out for him. How did everything get to this point?

Served

I wasn’t really able to sleep much last night so it was a relief when Guy called me at the crack of dawn to let me know that he and the rest of the guys were waiting for Sean to have his bail set. Zoey helped me pack up my stuff while I was on the phone.

“Zoey and I are on our way down there, Guy.”

“Faith, Sean doesn’t want you to come down here.”

“What!? Why?”

“He doesn’t want you to see him like this. Once we get him released I’ll take him back to his apartment but he practically begged me to convince you not to come down here.”

“Okay,” I said a little hurt, but I understood Sean’s reasons for it, “I’ll have Zoey take me to his apartment, then.”

Zoey and I finished packing all of my stuff and then headed out to Sean’s.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay until Sean gets home?” She asked me once we’d gotten everything settled back into Sean’s place and Murphy was dozing in a window.

“No, I’ll be fine. It’s okay; you have to go to work at some point Zoey.”

She nodded and gave me a hug before she left. I had called Veronica earlier to tell her I wasn’t going to be at work for the next couple of days citing my concussion as the problem and, to be honest, the doctor said I shouldn’t go to work anyway, so I, thankfully, have some time to kind of figure things out and let everything die down a bit before Steve, Suzy, and Dina bombard me with questions about how I got the concussion.

I was in Sean’s apartment for about an hour, unpacking my clothes, putting away Murphy’s toys, etc. when he finally walked in the door.

“Faith!?” He called when he walked in.

I came out of his bedroom and gasped when I saw him. He had a black eye and swollen lip that looked horrendous.

“Oh my God!” I said moving toward him.

“It looks worse than it feels.” He said once I had closed the gap.

We stood in Sean’s foyer awkwardly, unsure of how to greet each other. I don’t think either of us really knew what to expect in regards to the other’s feelings so we just stood there for a few seconds before I gave in and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and inhaled deeply. When we pulled apart Sean met my eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten into that fight. I never meant to put you through all of this, -I”

“What? If anything I should be apologizing to you. If I hadn’t come to see you this never would have happened.” I said.

“It’s not your fault, Faith. It’s his, he should never have put his hands on you like that, he could’ve raped you! It’s not your fault, do you understand me?”

Sean held my shoulders and refused to drop his gaze until I slowly nodded in agreement. We hugged again and then went to sit on Sean’s couch.

“Why did you come to the bar last night?” He asked once we were snuggled up.

“I went to my apartment to pick up a few things last night after hanging out with Molly. I got something in the mail that freaked me out and I wanted to tell you about it immediately.”

“What happened?”

“I got an invitation to Kevin’s wedding.” I got up and pulled it out of my duffel bag in Sean’s bedroom so he could look at it. I handed it to him when I sat back down.

He looked at it for a couple of seconds before lightly tossing it on his coffee table.

“Did you tell anyone about it?”

“I told the officer last night, they said they would pass along the information to the detective working on my break-in case, but I haven’t heard anything since then.” I said.

“I thought you said the person in your apartment was too short to be Kevin.”

“I’m almost positive that they were but he seemed like he could have been the mystery person last night. I mean showing up at the bar you were playing at the same night I got that invitation seems a little too-”

“Wait. What?”

I saw Sean stiffen quickly.

“What did I say?” I asked, confused.

“The guy in the hallway was Kevin!?”

“I thought you knew that, I thought that’s why you were so upset.”

“No! I was upset because some dude almost had his hand down your pants and was pressed against your face! If I’d known it was the bastard you dated before me I would never have stopped hitting him!”

Sean was visibly upset and I wasn’t sure what to say to make him feel better.

“It’s okay, Sean, I’m going to press charges against him. This is never going to happen again.” I said rubbing his arm.

“He’s the person who was in your apartment. The fact that he just happened to be at the bar I was playing at the same day you got his invitation, and so soon after the break-in. It’s him Faith, it has to be! He’s probably been keeping tabs on you since you broke up with him. What a sick son of a bitch.”

“I still think the person was too short to be him, but this seems like it’s impossible to just be a coincidence.” I said, “You know, I thought it might be his fiancée but I have absolutely no evidence to back that up. She found out about me right before I ended it with Kevin and if he’s been keeping tabs on me and she found out about it then maybe this is something she did to make it look like it was Kevin.”

“Yeah, but why would she want to get him in trouble right before her wedding?”

“Touché.” I said, “You know it’s possible we’ll never find out who it was.”

Before Sean could respond there was a knock on his door and he got up to answer it.

“Yes.”

There was a guy standing outside in a courier uniform.

“You’ve been served.” The courier handed Sean a packet of papers, had him sign something, and then left.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Kevin is pressing charges against me for assault and battery.” He said.

Sean was as white as a sheet as he stared at the papers.