Issues

“Faith, I think you’ve been through a lot over the past 12 months. I don’t know that your moving on from everything is going to happen by a certain time. The real point is that you are making progress.”

“But…I just feel…so…lost.” I sighed.

Dr. Sheehan sat across from me in a sensible suit and pumps. She had her usual yellow legal pad in her lap and a bright blue pen in her hand as she jotted down notes during our session.

“I think anyone who has gone through what you have would feel lost and out of place.”

“But why can’t I move on from my relationship with Sean? Why is that so impossible for me?” I said getting emotional and frustrated. I pounded my fist on the armchair I was sitting on.

“Oh, I think you have moved on from that.” Dr. Sheehan said. I was a bit surprised by that.

“Really?”

“Yes. I think what you’re struggling with now is not the loss of your relationship with Sean but allowing yourself to be in a relationship that you see as healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been coming to me for well over a year now and you’ve made a lot of progress but looking over your relationships, would you say they’ve been healthy?”

I thought for a moment and then felt embarrassed because I couldn’t say a single one was a healthy relationship.

“No.” I said sheepishly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I don’t think I actively seek out unhealthy relationships, I mean, when Sean and I got together we were happy for awhile.”

“Didn’t Sean lie to you about why he wanted to post-pone having sex with you right when you began dating?”

“Yes, but that was a really personal thing for him so I understand not wanting to talk about th-”

“Didn’t he also lie to you about taking erectile dysfunction medications at one point as well?”

“Yes but he eventually told me…”

“And when he was gone on tour and came to visit you at his office didn’t he throw a tantrum in front of your co-workers?”

“Um yes,” I said meekly, “But Randy and I were happy.”

“When? When you were actively cheating on him, with Sean, or when you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him how lackluster you thought having sex with him was?”

“Ouch.” I said.

“Faith, I’m only being this aggressive with you because you’ve been seeing me for so long and I know you can handle it. It’s time to stop making excuses for your previous relationships. It’s time to recognize that you are better than that, and more importantly, that you deserve better.”

“So…do you think sleeping with Brad is just another way for me to seek out another probably unhealthy relationship?” I asked.

“I can’t really answer that for you, Faith. But what I can tell you is that you do exhibit certain patterns of behavior. This isn’t the first time you’ve slept with someone casually and had a relationship…or at least feelings develop from it. You did this with Sean and with Malcolm.”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in college and were partners in this acting class. We started sleeping together and eventually dating and he broke my heart when he graduated and moved back to London.

“Not only that, but it seems like you’re not very sure where feelings of friendship and feelings of romantic love collide. Brad isn’t the first male friend of yours that you’ve brought up in our sessions. Adam is also a male friend that you have feelings for and feel uncomfortable acting on. I think this is a significant pattern in the way you form relationships.”

“But…aren’t healthy relationships built on friendship?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Sheehan said, “but your problem is that you don’t want to build romantic relationships with men you already have strong friendships with. If you wanted your relationships to be built off of friendship, then why turn Adam down every time he expressed his interest? Why tell Brad you didn’t want to go on the date when you could have kept that to yourself? I think it’s because you don’t want a healthy relationship.”

I thought about Dr. Sheehan’s words.

“But that just seems so absurd,” I said, “Why would I want to seek out unhealthy relationships? I don’t want to ever go through what I went through with Kevin, Sean, or Randy ever again. And between you and me, I would also like to avoid ever dating a priest again, too.”

Dr. Sheehan smiled. Dating Dean and finding out he was a priest was very traumatic but now it’s something I can look back on and laugh about. Telling Dr. Sheehan about Dean and his priest confession was a fun story.

“I don’t know that you are doing it in a way that you are aware, Faith. Sometimes we do stupid things and can’t seem to figure out why afterward.”

“But that sounds like you’re telling me to go on a date with Brad or Adam.” I said with confusion.

“I’m not saying that, Faith. What I am saying is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings.”

“But I really don’t want to go out on a date with Brad or Adam. I think the whole Brad situation happened because I’ve felt so lonely and it was nice to finally have someone pay attention to me. I think I used Brad’s affection for me to make myself feel better and it would be cruel to pretend like a relationship was something I wanted with him right now.”

“Do you think you’re ready for a relationship at all?”

“I honestly don’t know. Not after this whole talk we’ve had. Maybe I should just steer clear of relationships forever.” I said dramatically.

Dr. Sheehan laughed.

“I don’t think you need to write off ever being in a relationship again, but I do think you need to start realizing that you’re worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship…for whenever you are ready for one again.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Well, have you ever actively sought out someone to date?” I gave her a confused look, “All of the men you’ve been involved with asked you out, right?”

“Um…yes.” I said thinking about it, “If you don’t consider the whole Brad mix-matched text message deal.”

“Maybe you should try asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting dates from men that seek you out.”

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Well, when a person is the one being asked out on a date, I think there’s sometimes a fear that if they don’t accept they’ll never be asked out again because they’re too picky or uptight or some other negative attribute that they ascribe to themselves. But when someone actually does the asking, there’s fear of rejection, but there’s also an element of control. You are asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting a date with someone who found you interesting based on their own preferences. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.” I said, “Same time next week?”

Dr. Sheehan nodded and said good-bye as I left her office. I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know I have a lot of issues but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I mean, at least I’m not trolling dating sites like I was right after Sean and I officially ended things. At least I’m not accepting dates from every guy who asks. Maybe I just need to get out more and meet new people.

Timing

Things at work have been going well. Kevin and I have been able to be in the same room together and not have any awkward tension. He was actually starting to feel like a real co-worker and not a dude with a fiancée that I made out with. But I went to his office today to pick up his quarterly employee reviews, which were due.

“Knock, knock,” I said popping my head in his office, “I’m here to pick up your employee reviews.”

He was on the phone and gave me the "one minute" hand signal, it sounded like he wasn’t very happy with the person on the other end. When he hung up, he sighed and went to reach for his file cabinet.

“Is now a bad time? I can come back later…” I said inching away.

“Uh, no, I’ve got them right here,” he handed me the reviews and then wrote something down in his planner. I left his office and started counting the slips of paper, I came up one slip too many and had to go back to Kevin’s office. He was sitting in his chair with its back to the door, before I could knock he started angrily talking into the phone.

“No! No! I can’t do that today, Hannah,” He was talking to his fiancée, “Yeah, well why can’t you pick it up, it’s just a pie! And it’s for your mom!” Kevin started getting louder and I was trying to figure out a good way to get away from his office without making a lot of noise, “Why are you being so difficult? I have to work late, I told you that, by the time I leave from here the bakery will be closed anyway. No! Why is that always your assumption? This has nothing to do with the wedding,” there was a long pause and Kevin sighed deeply, “Go ahead and call it off then.”

I dropped the stack of papers I was holding and Kevin swung his chair around. He had a look of utter shock and confusion and hung up the phone. I bent down to pick up the reviews and started rambling.

“There was an extra one, I was just trying to- I didn’t mean to overhear. I was just- I should leave, we can talk about this later. I’m sorry I-“

“You don’t need to apologize. Let me help you.” Kevin knelt down and started picking up the papers. I picked one up and realized it was my employee review.

“Oh, you can’t give this to me, it needs to be given to one of the other HR reps to remain confidential. This must have been the extra one.” I handed it to Kevin and finished collecting the papers. He stood up, put it on his desk, and asked me to close the door when I left. I went to leave, stopped, and turned around.

“I really didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine, I know you didn’t. I just need to do some work now.”

I quietly closed the door and quickly walked to my office. If Kevin and his fiancée called off the wedding, that could mean we might be able to try out a relationship or something. The dreams I’d been having about Kevin increased after Dean dumped me and they were getting more intense. They weren’t just sexy dreams anymore, they were dreams of me bringing him to meet my parents and other major relationship milestones. Would it be wrong for me to get together with Kevin if the choice was available? I mean he was willing, and for all I know, he did cheat on his fiancée, what would keep him from doing that to me? I mean, I think I want to be with him, but I don’t know if I’d ever be able to trust him knowing that he tried to cheat (and possibly did) on Hannah.

Let's do Brunch

I laid around in my apartment in a fog and went to work unresponsive for the better part of this week. It got to the point that Zoey was practically tearing down my door to knock some sense into me by the time the weekend rolled around. I went to open the door in sweatpants with my hair a complete mess and food stains on my shirt.

“Dear God,” Zoey looked around my apartment at the take out laying on my coffee table, the empty ice cream pints on my end table, and the multiple pizza boxes laying on my dining room table, “Puts some pants on we’re going to brunch.”

“I don’t really want to go anywhere right now,” I said being whineier than I intended.

“Well you might not, but I can’t be in this pigsty for longer than ten minutes, get going.”

I ran a brush through my hair and put it up in a messy bun, changed into some jeans and put a clean shirt on, and topped it off with some ballet flats and my black pea coat. We started walking to the café around the corner and I realized just how cold it was outside without any real shoes on. By the time we got to the café I was shivering and snow had started to fall. When we were seated I ordered a hot chocolate and a fruit plate and Zoey ordered a coffee and an cheese omelet.

“Faith, you have got to snap out of it. You’ve been like this for a whole week, it’s time to begin the moving on process, okay?”

I looked at Zoey and sighed, “I know, I just…I really liked him. And… a PRIEST!?” I started making a scene and Zoey put her face in her hands shaking her head. I was embarrassed and got a lot of dirty looks from the people sitting around us. “It’s just…lately, all the men I’ve had chances with have lied to me….don’t I deserve to be told the truth upfront? I don’t understand what kind of signal I’m sending to men that makes them think it’s okay to lie to me.”

“Oh, stop being so dramatic,” I looked up from my fruit plate and gave Zoey a dirty look, “Yes, Kevin and Dean lied to you, but they aren’t the representation of all men, you’ll get back on the saddle and find a great new guy to have sinful sex with.” Zoey winked, smiled, and sipped her coffee.

When Zoey finally let me go back home (we went Christmas shopping afterward, which cheered me up a little) I thought about what she said and decided to forget about Dean and Kevin. Zoey was right, there’s plenty of honest guys out there and I’ll find one eventually.

But seriously….a PRIEST!?

Holy Cow

Dean and I were laying in bed after a particularly steamy sack session when he started playing with my hair.

“Faith, I need to be honest with you about something.”

I warily looked at him and tried to figure out what was coming.

“I don’t think we can see each other anymore.”

I pulled away and looked at him shocked, “I thought things were going really well between us. Is there something going on? I mean I thought- I enjoy spending time with you.”

“Faith, I like you a lot and I really do want to be with you, but I just can’t.”

“Why, I want to be with you too, why isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t really want to talk about why we can’t be together. We just can’t.”

I started getting angry, “I deserve an explanation!”

Dean sighed and looked really tired, like he’d been struggling with his decision for awhile, “Faith, I’m going to become a priest. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d freak out about it.”

I stared at him in disbelief, “A priest!? How is that even possible? You’ve just made sure that I’m going to Hell!” I screamed as I wrapped myself as tightly as I could in my sheets and tumbled out of bed and away from him.

“Faith it’s not like that. I take a celibacy vow when I enter the seminary next week, you’ve done nothing wrong. I just…I found my calling…”

“I need you to leave…immediately. I can’t really look at you right now so I’m going to go into my bathroom and close the door, when I come back out you need to be gone.”

I stumbled into my bathroom trapped in my sheets and slammed the door. I didn’t move from my bathroom for about 30 minutes and when I finally came out any trace of Dean had disappeared from my apartment. I crawled into bed and started crying.

Deadly Sins

I had to stay late for work the day before Thanksgiving which put my holiday plans kind of behind. As I went to clear off my desk and grab my coat I felt someone behind me, thinking it was Dean who was coming to pick me up for dinner. Dean wrapped his arms around me from behind and started kissing my neck and slipping off my coat.

“We can't….not at my job,” I whispered. I turn around to start kissing Dean when I realized it was actually Kevin, “What are you doing!?”

“Getting what I want, you know you want this too, just let it happen.” Kevin inched my skirt up and sat me on top of my desk.

“My boyfriend is coming here to pick me up,” I said in between kissing him and straddling my legs around him. I lost all decision making skills and before I knew it his pants were unzipped, my shirt was open, and my desk was a total mess.

When we were done and I was putting my clothes back on Kevin said, “I left my fiancée.”

I stood there speechless and unsure of what to do, that's when I woke up panting really hard and unsure of what my dream meant. Part of me felt like I had just cheated on Dean through my subconscious and I had a wave of guilt engulf me. The next morning I met with Elise and Zoey for breakfast and told them about my dream.

“Hey, it's cool we all have those kinds of dreams,” Elise said drinking a glass of juice.

“Seriously, it's not that big of a deal, it doesn't mean anything,” Zoey reached across the table for some pepper to put on her scrambled eggs and looked at me with confusion.

Apparently my friends thought I was crazy. “What if it means I actually want to be with Kevin? That makes me a home wrecker and I really would like to avoid being one of those. Of all the goals I’ve set for myself that was never one of them.”

“Well, do you want o be with Kevin?” Zoey looked at me pointedly and took a bite of toast.

“I don't know anymore, if you'd have asked last week I would have said, 'definitely not,' but now…”

“Look, why don't you just have sex with Kevin.” Zoey and I both looked at Elise awestruck, “What? Just have some great sex, get it over with and then you can go back to Dean. You'll probably stop thinking about Kevin after you have hot steamy sex with him, it's pretty much a done deal. You only want him because he's hot. I mean, we know he's a jerk and is willing to cheat on someone he proposed to, so those qualities make him unattractive but you still want to jump his bones, so it must be lust.”

Zoey turned her head to me and said, “She has a point."

“What? You agree that I should cheat on Dean?”

“No, I agree that you are lusting after Kevin. I mean, what other redeeming characteristics does this dude have?”

“Well he has beautiful blue eyes and thick brown hair. He has a great smile and we have a lot in common. He's a great kisser...”

Zoey stopped me and pointed out that the majority of my list made up physical traits.
“You're right; I'm just lusting after him because I can't have him. I can totally get over that, it should be simple.” I grabbed a bagel and started to dig in while Zoey and Elise exchanged credulous looks, I decided to ignore them. This was going to be simple. Right?

Evaluation

Dean came by to pick me up at work today. We had planned to meet for lunch before he disappeared to spend Thanksgiving with his family and I spent it with my girls. We decided that including me into Thanksgiving would be too soon for our relationship and honestly, I was so relieved by not having to meet his family yet. Moms tend to dislike me.

Anyway Dean arrived while I was finishing up a job interview and waited outside. As I said goodbye to the potential employee I grabbed my coat and we went to a sandwich shop down the street. It was a really nice lunch and I was disappointed to have to go back to work. Dean insisted on walking me back to my office. I thanked him and gave him a kiss before he left. When I went to sit at my desk, Kevin walked in.

“Who was that?” He said trying to be nonchalant.

“That was Dean, my boyfriend, did you need something?”

Kevin looked disappointed and turned red, he looked at his shoes and mumbled, “I need some more evaluation sheets.”

I got up and moved to a file cabinet and opened the bottom drawer to get more evaluation sheets. When I stood up and turned around I had a feeling Kevin was looking at my ass. I cocked my head and said, “How many evaluations have you completed?”

“About half.”

“These should be enough.” I handed him the pink evaluation sheets and went to sit back at my desk. Kevin was lingering in my office so I offered him a chair which he took.

“What do you really want, Kevin? I’m trying to work.”

“Faith, I just wanted to apologize again…about…you know.” Kevin really did look sorry and I felt bad for being so cold to him.

“Look, Kevin, I don’t agree with your actions and I think cheating on someone is the lowest thing you can do in a relationship, but I don’t want you to have to tip-toe around me. I’m a big girl and I’ve moved on, my job requires that we work together and I like my job so I’m committed to doing that, but nothing more.”

Kevin nodded his head, sighed and left my office. I don’t really know what to think of that but I know that the possibility Kevin and I ever had available is gone and I’m okay with it now. Dean is great and I’m happier when I’m with him. I barely think of Kevin in a romantic way now and it feels good to be over him and be fully committed to Dean. Hopefully this will be the last time Kevin and I need to talk about the whole fiancée situation.